Clerk 2 [Sam Marin]: (over black screen) How much longer? This is so...boring!
Clerk 1 [JG Quintel]: It's only two more hours, dude.
Clerk 2: (sigh) Two more hours. (beat) Two more hours. (beat) (sigh) two more hours... fuck!
(Cut to counter with two clerks)
Clerk 1:Dude, want some candy?
Clerk 2:(Groggily) Eh, nah. No thanks.
Clerk1:Aw, come on! It's Halloween.
Clerk 2:(off screen) Eh, hmm.
Clerk 1:Come on. You..You gotta have candy. You've gotta have candy on Halloween. It's Halloween!
Clerk 2: Eh.
Clerk 1:(close-up) Dude...candy!
Clerk 2: Arugh! Oh, alright.
Clerk 1:Ha ha ha! Yeah-yuh!
(Clerk 1 takes two candy pieces out of his pocket and both begin chewing.)
Clerk 2:(suspicious) I think there's something wrong with this candy.
Clerk 1: Uh, wh..what do you mean? What are you talking about?
Clerk 2: I don't know, it tastes funny.
Clerk 1: Huh. Hmm. Oh, oh yeah yeah. Huh huh yeah. That's because I put drugs in it.
Clerk 2: What? Why?! Uh... What's wrong with you!
Clerk 1: Uh, geez. I'm sorry. I.. I thought..
Clerk 2: Whoa, huh! You thought wrong! I mean, what did you put in these things anyway?
Clerk 1:It's.. It's just a little marijuana. It's just a little marijuana.
Clerk 2:(softly) Weed candy. You put weed in a candy bar.
Clerk 1:Oh, oh no wait! Ha ha! No, no I remember now. Don't worry dude, I didn't put any weed in this candy. It was acid!
Clerk 2:(spits out candy) What?! Acid?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Clerk 1:I'm.. I'm sorry.
Clerk 2: I mean, you said that like acid is safer than weed. You know it's not, right?
Clerk 1: Yes. Yeah, uh. Yeah, I knew. Sorry, I.. I don't know why I said that.
Clerk 2:(loud sigh) I've never done acid before. I didn't want to do acid. But, even if I did, I'd much rather be told about it than slipped some stupid milk chocolate Mickey!
Clerk 1:Look, I'm sorry, okay? I really am, but what's done is done. My advice, at this point, just calm down and enjoy it. You know what I mean? Seriously man, it's too late!
Clerk 2:(sigh) I guess you're right. Well...(clerk morphs into proto-Benson) when's it supposed to kick in?
Clerk 1:(shocked, then excited) Right fuckin' now!
Clerk 1:(laughs) Look in the window.
Proto-Benson:(turns to window and sees reflection) What the fuck? Uh... This is crazy. Come on, that's not me. That's not me! If this crap fucks up my brain I'm gonna kill you, man!
Proto-Benson; (sigh) This... This is stupid! I'm a gumball machine.
Clerk 1: Come on, it's supposed to be fun.
Clerk 2: This? (turns crank on his chest, dispenses gumball, then he chews and swallows it) Not fun, man.
Clerk 1:(off screen, while reaching for the crank) Aw, cool!
Proto-Benson:(slaps his hand away) Fuck off!
Clerk 1: (head has changed into toast?) Hey! This isn't my fault, alright?
Proto-Benson:(morphs into housefly) Hm. Not your fault, huh?
Clerk 1: (morphs into proto-Pops) Not my fault.
Clerk 2: (his regular head inflates into a balloon) Not your fault.
Clerk 1: (has morphed into a dolphin) Heaheaheaheahea!
(both clerks have morphed into dolphins and loudly click and whistle for a few seconds before Clerk 2 is splashed morphing him into a bear)
Clerk 2:Okay! Okay! Stop it! (morphs back into Proto-Benson)
Proto-Benson: This is too.. Weird!
(Clerk 1 has moprhed into proto-Mordecai with a fanny-pack)
Proto-Mordecai:Uh... Yeah... This is, uh, getting a little weird for my tastes. (Zipper on fanny-pack opens) Especially right now.
Proto-Benson: What are we going to do when someone comes in for gas? We can't help people when were like this. (his face swirls for a split-second) We can't help people when were like this.
Proto-Mordecai:Yeah we can.
Proto-Benson: No! Were gonna get fired over this crap!
Proto-Mordecai: Look...Look just calm down. It's two in the morning, nobody's coming in for gas right now. Okay? Okay?
(service bell rings, both duck under neath counter)
(they look outside to see a car about to put a gas pump nozzle into a man's butt, but stop to look in the window)
Proto-Benson:(panicking) What do we do? What do we do?
Proto-Mordecai: Just, shut up! Just shut up for a second! I have to think. Uh.
Proto-Benson: Shit! What do we do? What do we do? Fuck! What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?
Proto-Mordecai:Oh! Okay. Okay, I got it! I got it!
Proto-Mordecai:We just have to concentrate on what we're supposed to look like, and then we'll switch back.
Proto-Mordecai:I heard it makes it wear off faster.
Proto-Benson:You are so full of shit!
Proto-Mordecai:Do you have a better idea?
(montage of proto-Benson and proto-Mordecai falling through space as they try and concentrate on switching back)
(front entrance door opens ringing a bell, both clerks have morphed back to their normal selves.)
Clerk 1:Shh! Shh! (softly) Just be cool, just be cool. It worked, alright? Shh! Shh! Shh!
(Clerk 1 stands up and brushes himself off before realizing the customer is a police officer)
Policeman:How's it goin' fellas?
Clerk 1:Good. Good.
Clerk 2:Uh, it's kinda slow. Yeah.
Policeman: I hear that. But it is Halloween. Everyone tends to be on foot.
Clerks 1&2: (nervously) Uh. Yeah! (laughs) Yeah! Uh... Yeah!
Policeman:Hey! (suspiciously) You two stayin' outta trouble?
Policeman: Ha! I'm just messin' with you! I just need a little midnight snack. (holds up a bag of chips) (off screen) How much do I owe you?
Clerk 2:(shakes head quickly) Okay, that'll be 1.24.
Policeman:(sigh) (starts eating chips, then stops)
Policeman: These chips are a little stale.
Clerk 1: Oh! Do...Do you want-
Policeman: No! No! It's fine.
(beat, clerks look at each other then back at police officer)
Policeman: (mouth opens wide, inhaling entire bag of chips)
Clerks 1&2:(screaming) Ahhh!
(a whirlwind is created inside store while police officer takes his head off, sits on it, then flies through doors shattering the glass)
(clerks 1&2 dumbfounded as they stare at hole left by the police officer)
Clerk 1: Shh! Shh! Shh! Do you hear that?
Clerk 2:(frightened) What?! What?
Clerk 1:(looking at Clerk 2, passes gas loudly)
Clerk 2:(sigh) I... Fucking hate you!
Clerk 1:Aw come on! It's supposed to be fun!
(cuts to credits)