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"Bad Portrait" Transcript

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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
This page is the transcript for "Bad Portrait".

(The episode starts off with Mordecai & Rigby playing a video game.)

Mordecai: Wooooooaaaahh! I beat the whole game without even taking a hit.

Rigby: I could have done that.

(Pops comes in)

Pops: Mordecai, Rigby, hello! Would you two mind picking up a painting for me today?

Rigby: Yeah sure, that sounds fun.

Mordecai: What's the occasion, Pops?

Pops: Tonight's the Hall of Park Managers' annual celebration, (Shows the picture) and Benson is being honored.

Rigby: Wow, they have a hall for everything these days.

Pops: Hmph, yes, all the greatest park managers in the tri county area have been represented there.

Mordecai: This sounds like kind of a big deal, are you sure you want us to do it?

Pops: Of course! I trust you. Benson's portrait is at the local gallery. (Shows another picture) Here is there information.

(Rigby grabs the information)

Mordecai: We won't let you down, Pops.

Pops: See you at the celebration. (Starts running, laughing, and throwing all the papers)

Mordecai & Rigby: Picking up a portrait!

(We skip the scene to see Gallery Chic. The camera zooms in to see the lady about to close the door)

Mordecai: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Takes a deep breath) Hi. Sorry we're late, we're here to pick up a painting.

Paint Manager: I was wondering when you'd show up.

(We skip to Mordecai and Rigby walking back to the house. Mordecai is carrying Benson's portrait while Rigby is carrying a hot pretzel.)

Rigby: So, no one's seen this painting yet?

Mordecai: Nope.

Rigby: You know, we could see this painting yet.

Mordecai: Nope.

Rigby: Aw, come on! You went to art school. Don't you want to see Benson, like, interpreted or look at the paint... composition?

Mordecai: Well, I guess that could be kinda cool.

Rigby: (Goes to rip open the painting's protective wrapping paper) Sweet! Let's rip her open.

Mordecai: Woah, dude. You're not going near it with that pretzel.

Rigby: My hands are clean. Check it out. One finger holds the pretzel while the others do what I want. See, that's why pretzels are the perfect food. They got handles.

(The pretzel slips out of Rigby's hand and slides down Benson's exposed portrait, to which Rigby gasps)

Mordecai: Oh no, dude. Oh no, dude! OH NO, DUDE! Wipe it off!

(Rigby tries to wipe it off, which only makes a bigger mess)

Mordecai & Rigby: Aaah!

Rigby: We just ruined Benson's face for Benson's face thing!

Mordecai: We're fired. That's it! We're fired!

Rigby: You're the art guy. Make us not fired!

Mordecai: Okay. The party's in seven hours. (Begins to think of a plan) Hmm. Hmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm, hmm. Yup. I'm going to repaint this thing.

Rigby: Sweet! Let's get this arty started!

Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOOOOOH!!

(The scene transitions back to the park house. Mordecai grabs a box labeled 'Mordo's art stuff' and coughs. He then sets up a canvas and tries to decide how he wants to paint Benson's portrait.)

Mordecai: Okay, Benson. Benson. Okay... Benson.

Rigby: Augh! Come on, just start already!

Mordecai: I'm trying!

Rigby: When was the last time you actually drew something?

Mordecai: It's a process, man. In art school they taught us to really explore the subject and take time to really understand the deeper meaning.

(Rigby makes an obnoxious fart noise in response)

Rigby: Come on, this is Benson. It's not hard. Move. (He begins to paint on the blank canvas) Watch. He's round, angry, red... big ol' face. Whatever, done. Perfect. (A sloppily-drawn Benson is revealed)

Mordecai: Dude, that's way worse.

Rigby: At least I did something.

Mordecai: Augh. I just can't concentrate with you here watching me.

Rigby: Fine, but you better have something done when I get back. (He goes to leave)

Mordecai: I will! Once I, like, get the lights right, and the paint's gotta set... wait for the gesso to dry...

(Rigby slams the storm doors on his way out)

Mordecai: Alright. (Claps his hands) Time to get to business. (Claps again) Just gotta... (Fiddles with a radio) pick the right tunage. 

(We then skip to much later in the day. Rigby returns with a hot pretzel)

Rigby: So, how's it going?

Mordecai: Dude, another hot pretzel?

Rigby: Of course another hot pretzel. This is who I am, now. Deal with it. (Eats the pretzel) Alright, let me have a look.

Mordecai: Uh, naw. (Quickly blocks the painting) It's not ready yet.

Rigby: Come on, I wanna see! (Pulls Mordecai out of the way)

Mordecai: It's a work in progress. 

(The camera zooms in to the same crappily-drawn painting from before)

Rigby: Dude, you literally haven't done anything!

Mordecai: I said it's a work in progress!

Rigby: (Sighs) Seriously, Mordecai, what's the hold up? Hungry? Thirsty? Didn't graduate and are a huge loser?

Mordecai: (Groans) No, it's not that.

Rigby: Well, what is it, then?

Mordecai: It's just... uhh... (Rigby motions for him to continue) Alright, look. Whenever I drew portraits in college, they always went badly. They'd always misinterpret it, or get offended, and it was just tough because... augh, whatever. I just can't do portraits.

Rigby: It's okay, dude. I'm sure you can conquer your fear. You really want to let down that face? (Rigby gestures to his sloppy drawing of Benson, and Mordecai laughs) I believe in ya, man.

Mordecai: Alright, I'm gonna try a trick that always worked in art school. (He puts a tape on. The words 'Painting is Great with Benny Harris' appear.)

Benny: Oh. Hey there, fellow painters, Benny Harris here. And today I'll be showing you how to make some beautiful little portraits. 

Mordecai: Hmm, hmm.

(A clock transition shows Mordecai finally attempting to paint Benson's portrait)

Benny: And sometimes, we just gotta take our accidents and make them a little more chipper. Cheer up there, little moustache! Now that's a pleasant little moustache we just painted.

Mordecai: Hmm. Hmm, hmm.

Benny: And do you know why?

Mordecai: Mm-mm.

Benny: Cause I pictured it in my mind's eye. (The hedgehog on his shoulder chirps in response, and he laughs) Penelope sure does love it when I get existential.

Mordecai: Mind's eye. (Sighs)

(Mordecai then has a flashback of when he was still in art school. A young woman comes up to him.)

Woman: Hey! (Mordecai looks up) So you're, like, an artist?

Mordecai: Yeah. I mean, I'm in art school, so... (Laughs)

Woman: So, could you, like, draw me?

Mordecai: Oh, yeah, sure. (Quickly draws her and shows her the picture. As soon as the woman sees it, she runs away crying. Mordecai groans loudly in response.)

(The scene then cuts back to the present, where Mordecai is groaning in the same exact manner)

Benny: Relax. The human mind can be a spooky place full of all your memories, fears, and secrets. Focus on that there subject.

Mordecai: Okay, okay.

(We then get another glimpse into Mordecai's mind, where he is still picturing the girl crying. He groans in concentration and is able to replace the crying woman with Benson.)

Benson: Hi, I'm Benson. Your boss, former drummer, stick hockey enthusiast.

Mordecai: Yeah, yeah. Yeah! (He begins to paint, only to create a cubist painting) Uh, ooooh.

(The camera then pans over to Skips and Benson, who are talking outside)

Skips: Benson, you excited for the party tonight?

Benson: Yeah! It feels really good to be given this huge honor. I can't wait.

(Rigby walks in)

Rigby: Hey man, how's it going? I assume everything's aweso-ooooooh!

Mordecai: Augh. This is horrible. I can't show this to Benson. (He then hears Benny say something and turns his attention to the TV)

Benny: Now I know our mind's eye can sometimes get a little messy. When my thoughts get clogged up, I find taking some slides really inspires my creative flow.

Mordecai: Dude, that's it! I just need some reference.

(Rigby pulls out a camera)

Rigby: I'm on it! (He runs outside)

(We then cut back to Benson and Skips talking)

Benson: Yeah, I mean, Audrey and I aren't really calling it a date... (Rigby starts taking pictures) Rigby, what are you doing? Stop! Stop it! Get out of my face with that camera or you're fired! (Rigby stops taking pictures and rushes back to Mordecai)

Rigby: Alright, let's go get these babies developed.

(A clock transition shows Mordecai and Rigby back at the park)

Rigby: Okay, let's see what we got here. (Turns on a projector and flips through all the photos he took) Nice. Cool. Woah!

Mordecai: Rigby, I can't use any of these.

Rigby: He moves around a lot, got all that nervous energy.

Mordecai: Augh! 

Rigby: Come on, you got all you need here! (Flips through the photos again) His face, hands, feet, that's his, you know, his butt, that's an important element.

Mordecai: (Sighs) Yeah. I guess I can piece it together. (Starts painting)

Rigby: You're doing it!

Mordecai: Dude, don't jinx it. (Goes back to painting)

(Rigby's phone suddenly rings)

Rigby: Hey, Pops.

Pops: Yes, hello, Rigby. It's Pops, your friend Pops from the park. Say, I must ask, where's the portrait? We're all waiting.

Rigby: Oh, it's going great, gonna be great, everyone's gonna love it! (Mordecai tries to silence Rigby with hand motions) I think the artists really had some breakthroughs. Get your hopes way, way up! We'll be there soon, very soon. (He hangs up)

Mordecai: Dude, why'd you say all that?

Rigby: It's true, right? You gotta be done by now.

Mordecai: No, I still gotta fix the-

Rigby: There's no time! I'm sure it's fine!

Mordecai: Seriously, it's not ready yet. And keep that stupid pretzel away from it!

Rigby: I'm sorry, but seriously, we have to go now!

Mordecai: But they're gonna hate it! No! (He ends up pushing Rigby, whose hot pretzel sauce ends up getting all over the projector)

Rigby: Hmm. Something weird normally happens when that happens. (He then slips and spills his cheese sauce on the projector) Oh no, my dipping sauce!

(Mordecai and Rigby are seen coughing as something emerges from the projector)

Mordecai: What is that? (More objects begin to emerge) Dude, are those your horrible slides? 

(A Benson slide then leaps up and latches onto a pipe)

Benson Butt Slide: We're horrible? You call this art? (He shows Mordecai his painting)

Mordecai: What do you mean?

Benson Butt Slide: This portrait looks nothing like me!

Mordecai: Yeah it does! I mean, kinda.

Benson Butt Slide: You've ruined everything!

Benson Face Slide: Destroy the painting!

(Another Benson slide begins to climb up Mordecai's leg)

Mordecai: Aaah!

(Rigby begins hitting the Benson slides with Mordecai's painting)

Rigby: No! Mordecai is good at art! (A Benson slide goes through a paper shredder)

Benson Face Slide: Rigby's not an artist! You can't trust his opinion!

Mordecai: He's my friend! (Kicks the slide)

Benson Face Slide: Exactly! (Crawls back over towards Mordecai)

(Rigby is shown running away with the painting)

Benson Butt Slide: Give me that cubic trash! (Rigby screams and flings the slide, which lands back on top of him) Mordecai, there's no time! We have to get to the party!

(Mordecai grabs a pipe and uses it to remove the Benson slide from his leg)

Rigby: Their punches are like papercuts!

(Three Benson slides attack Rigby. Mordecai goes to get rid of them, but another slide jumps onto the pipe he's holding.)

Benson Big Hand Slide: You're just another slacker that went to art school to feel like he accomplished something!

(Mordecai flings the slide into the TV, which activates Benny Harris's ghost)

Mordecai & Rigby: Benny Harris!

Benny: Well, hey there!

Mordecai: What should we do?

Benny: I always say use what you see in your mind's eye.

Mordecai: (Kicks a Benson slide) Dude, that didn't work!

Benny: Who cares? What's more important is that you made something. That's more than most people can say. Look at that guy. He probably never made anything in his life!

Rigby: Hey! (A Benson slide punches him in the face)

Mordecai: But the painting's all wrong! I messed it up! Now Benson's night is gonna be ruined.

Benny: Well, sometimes we gotta take our accidents and make them a little more chipper. (Holds up a paintbrush)

Mordecai: But how does that stop the Bensons?

Benny: Augh, just paint over them. They're slides!

Mordecai: Oh, cool. (Walks over to a can of paint)

Benson Blob Slide: Might as well just give up now. You couldn't use a paintbrush to save your life!

Mordecai: Well then I won't use a paintbrush. (He dunks his fist in the paint can)

(He throws a ball of paint at the slide, which eliminates it. Rigby gasps in admiration. Mordecai then punches another slide, which sends paint flying onto the canvas. The shredded Benson slide climbs onto Rigby, who dives into another can of paint. He shakes the paint off like a dog and eliminates another Benson slide that is crawling towards him.)

Benson Butt Slide: You're making a mess! Clean it up or you're fired!

(Mordecai throws Rigby at the slide, which then ultimately ends up eliminating it when Rigby rams into the projector screen. Benny whistles in awe.)

Rigby: We did it!

Mordecai: Thanks for your help, Benny Harris's ghost, or hologram, or astral projection, or whatever.

Benny: No problamo! Don't be a stranger now, and remember to rewiiiiiiind! (He gets sucked back into the tape)

Mordecai: How does it look? (Rigby shows him the painting) Uhhh.... wait. Help me flip it over. Good enough. Let's roll.

(We skip to the Hall of Park Managers)

 Host: And now, we welcome our newest member! Mr. Pops, would you please present the portrait?

(Pops murmurs nervously)

Benson: You didn't have Mordecai and Rigby do it, did you? 

Pops: Well...

(Mordecai and Rigby burst through the doors. Everyone gasps in shock.)

Host: Who are those two? This is most unusual.

Mordecai: We brought the painting. And... we're sorry. We messed it up. (Benson turns red) But I tried to... well, I hope you like it anyway. Sorry if it isn't what you wanted.

(Rigby unveils it, and everyone complains. Benson and Pops gasp in shock.)

Mordecai: Uh... dude, flip it over! (Rigby flips it over, and everyone in the audience starts to applaude) I understand if you want to fire me.

Benson: Fire you? I think it's great! The brush work, the composition, the raw energy perfectly captured my misunderstood personality. You're actually a really great artist, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Thanks.

Host: Uh yes, yes, I love it too. But I'm sorry; this abstract, unconventional piece just isn't appropriate for a hall setting. We'll have to commission a new portrait.

Rigby: You're not even going to use Mordecai's cool one?

Benson: That's okay. I know just the place for it.

(We cut back to the park house, where Benson is writing something at his desk. The painting is hanging behind him. Suddenly, it falls down, and Benson sighs.)

Benson: Why did I have Mordecai and Rigby hang it?


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