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This page is the transcript for "Carter and Briggs".


Mordecai and Rigby: (Cheering to the T.V.) Car-ter! Bri-iggs! Car-ter! Bri-iggs! Car-ter! Bri-iggs!

(Goes to "Carter and Briggs. 'Briggs throws the suspect (Named Sammy Krendelman) over the hood of the car.)

Sammy: Hey!

(Briggs takes his wallet)

Briggs: Looky what we got here, Carter.

(Briggs tosses the wallet to Carter.)

Sammy: (Angered) Why am I being arrested!?

Briggs: Attempted hit and run.

Carter: (Sly) Ah, Slammy Fenderbend.

Sammy: (Defensive) That's not my name!

(Carter and Briggs get in the vehicle with Sammy in the back.)

Carter: We know you work for Escobito, Sammy!

(Static is heard and Commissioner Davis comes through the intercom.)

Davis: Carter and Briggs! This is Commissioner Davis. You two are loose canons!

Briggs: (Sarcastic) Whatever, Commissioner Lame-is!

(Carter and Briggs's theme music plays)

Davis: (Angered) Carter! Briggs!!

Carter and Briggs: Awww! Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-Ah!!

(Briggs hits the gas and does a donut. The screen freeze-frames as credits appear for the executive producer (T. M. Blunderbuss))

Narrator: Next week on "Carter and Briggs"!

(Carter and Briggs are doing donuts while shooting guns in a warehouse with four masked men, one of which falls from an upper-level.)

Carter and Briggs: Ye-e-e-e-e-e-AH!!

Carter: Escobito~!

(Briggs shoots a missile)

(The scene turns back to the living room)

Rigby: (To Mordecai) You know what I like about this show? (Crosses arms) The realism.

Mordecai: And their custom 1985 police cruiser engineered for doing donuts. 

(Mordecai immitates a car screeching while pretending to turn a driving wheel.)

Rigby: (High-pitched) Donuts for Show-Nuts!

(Mordecai and Rigby laugh)

Rigby: (With his fist in the air) Best cop show evah!

Announcer on the TV: Would you like to meet Carter and Briggs?

Rigby: (To the T.V.) Yes!

Announcer: They'll be at Morton Horner Arena this weekend judging the 8th Annual Donut Spinathon! (Deeper voice) Spin-a-thon!

Rigby: Donuts!

Mordecai: We do donuts all the time!

Rigby: (High-pitched) For Show-nuts!

Announcer: Whoever holds the longest spin will win! (Deeper voice) WIN! 

Rigby: (Anxious) Win what? Win whaaat!?

Announcer: You and a friend could win a guest starring role on "Carter and Briggs"!

(Mordecai and Rigby anxiously gasp.)

Rigby: Ah! Awesome!

Mordecai and Rigby: (At the same time respectively) We should-!     We really should-!

Rigby: (Pointing at Mordecai) You go first!

Mordecai: Dude. Dude...Duuude. We gotta enter that contest!

Rigby: That's exactly what I was gonna say! Are we on the same level or what!

Mordecai and Rigby: (They raise their arms) Who-OOOOOOOOAH!!

(Mordecai and Rigby run out of the house.)

(Pops enters the living room and looks at the television.)

Narrator: And now it's time for "Crime She Typed"!

Pops: (Excited) Ooo! What's she going to type this time?

(Transitions clockwise into next scene. Mordecai and Rigby are in the cart, in front of the house, doing donuts.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Ooooooooooah! (They slide off to the side) Awwww...

(They reattempt the donut)

Mordecai and Rigby: Oooooooah! (They slide off again)

Rigby: Aww...

Mordecai: Aw man!

Rigby: Dude...Maybe we're not as good at this as we thought...

Mordecai: Yeah...Who do we know that's really good at spinning donuts?

(Scene goes to outside Muscle Man and HFG's trailer. Muscle Man is working with some tools.)

Mordecai: Muscle Man. We need your help.

Muscle Man: Can't you toolboxes say that I'm busy organizing my toolboxes?

Rigby: There's a donut-spinning contest, and we need to win!

Muscle Man: (Confused) But donut sports are off-season.

Mordecai: But Carter and Briggs are holding it!

Muscle Man: What!? That show's for babies, bro!

Mordecai and Rigby: Come on! Without your help we can't-!

Muscle Man: (Interrupting) But.....I do love spinning donuts. (Crosses arms) Your first lesson is tomorrow at dawn.

(Transitions clockwise to Mordecai and Rigby in front of the house meeting with Muscle Man.)

Mordecai and Rigby: (Gives an aggravated sigh)

Rigby: (Whining) Why do we have to get up so early?

Mordecai: (Exhausted) I'm gonna need more coffee...

(Muscle Man knocks Mordecai's cup of coffee out of his hand.)

Muscle Man: Coffee is for people who don't have adrenaline!

Rigby: (Teasing Mordecai) Yeah! Get some adrena-! 

(Muscle Man knocks the cup out of Rigby's hand.)

Rigby: (Whining) My coffee~!

Muscle Man: (Taking charge) Now listen up! (Climbs on top of the cart, making souns of struggling) Donuts are an ancient practice that probably started in some foreign country by old wizards, or something. The number one rule is to keep your turn radius small. 

Rigby: Turn radius?

Muscle Man: (Jumps off the cart, pulls out a rod, and draws a 10' diameter circle in the dirt.) Keep your front wheel in this circle. (Points at the circle with finger.) The smaller the radius, the longer you can hold the spin. So let's get to work on your radius!

(Scene goes to Mordecai and Rigby practicing their donuts' radius, but they fall out of line with the circle)

Mordecai and Rigby: Aww...

Muscle Man: Augh! I told you! Hold the turn radius! Now do it again! (Blows his whistle)

(Mordecai and Rigby attempt the donut again.)

Muscle Man: Hold it! Hold it!

(Mordecai and Rigby continue the donut)

(The scene goes to Muscle Man drawing an 8' diameter circle within the previous circle. Mordecai and Rigby are displeased but carry on their training)

(The shot is focused on their donuts while Muscle Man's head pans through the shot)

Muscle Man: Master the radius.

(The circle turns into the sun and then the moon as Mordecai and Rigby continue their donuts around it)

Muscle Man: The smaller the radius, the longer you hold.

(Mordecai and Rigby keep doing smaller and smaller radiuses)

Muscle Man: Whoooooooo! (Dusts flies towards him, making him cough. He then walks to Mordecai and Rigby.) Good form, nice circle work, and you cut your turn radius in half!

Rigby: Alright! Let's get it down to zero!

Muscle Man: Whoa! You wanna drive in a vortex, bro?

Rigby: Huh?

Muscle Man: Zero turning radius is only theoretical. When you find that sweet spot: Infinite donuts!

(Mordecai and Rigby gawk at Muscle Man.)

Muscle Man: But you've gotta spin in a vortex. (Twirls finger around.) It's too dangerous to attempt. (Becomes reassuring) I think you guys are ready now. Congratulations, losers.

(Muscle Man walks away as Mordecai and Rigby shake hands and walk away just to turn back and give each other a high five. (Freeze frame on the high five))

(Transitions to Skip's garage.)

Skips: Alright, fellas. The cart is ready to go. Got it all tuned up. Refreshed the fluids, filled her with special high octane fuel, and installed extra bald, no friction tires. With these babies, you'll be spinning donuts for days. (Nods)

Mordecai and Rigby: Thanks, Skips!

Skips: Don't mention it. Good luck out there.

(Skips tosses them the cart keys, but is intercepted by Benson.)

Benson: Not so fast. I heard all about your little contest. There's no way I'll let you guys do it. (Points at Mordecai and Rigby)

Mordecai and Rigby: Why not!?

Benson: Not unless you wear these on T.V. if you win. (Holds up a shirt)

Mordecai: Oh. Let me see. (Mordecai is handed the shirt and holds it up)

(The shirt has red seams on the sleeves and neck, and plain text that says "The Park")

Mordecai: (Trying to sound sort of convincing) Wow...Great design...(Nervously laughs)

(The scene goes to the 8th Annual Donut Spinathon where some of the competition are getting ready.)

Mordecai: Oh man...These guys are pretty serious.

(The shot overlooks the competitions' vehicles.)

Muscle Man: Don't get psyched out, bros! It's not about the equipment. It's about heart!...Wait...That doesn't sound right...It's about turn radius! And you two got that down!

Mordecai: Thanks, Muscle Man.

Rigby: Dude, look! (Points upward) It's Carter and Briggs!  

(Carter and Briggs are waving to the audience)

Briggs: (Into a microphone) Aaaalright! You guys ready for some donuts?

(The crowd cheers)

Briggs: I can't hear you! I said, "Are you reeeady!?"

(Crowd cheers louder)

Briggs: Thank you! My hearing's not so good! (Raises arm) And now, whoever holds the longest spin will win!

(The Spinathon starts as a montage begins. Mordecai and Rigby face their first opponents, who quickly lost their spin, making Mordecai and Rigby continue on. Mordecai and Rigby face their second opponents, whose bus tire breaks and their bus flips to an edge of the stadium, killing them, making Mordecai and Rigby continue on. Benson, Hi Five Ghost and Pops hold up three signs that says "Mord & Rics" which they flip over and says "Kick Their Butts". Mordecai and Rigby face their third opponents, who felt sick and had to stop to vomit. Mordecai and Rigby continue on as the crowd cheer on them. Mordecai drinks a bottle of water, then passes it to Rigby who squirts the bottle on his head. Skips repairs the wheel while Muscle Man give Mordecai and Rigby some more advice to about keeping their turn radius small. Mordecai and Rigby face their next opponents, whose engine burst into flames and the opponents caught on fire, making Mordecai and Rigby won as the crowd cheers and the montage ends.)

Briggs: Welcome to the final round!

Rigby: It's really you guys!

Briggs: What are your names, contestants?

Mordecai: Mordecai and Rigby, sir.

Briggs: Yeah, yeah, that's great. Anyway...

Carter: Let's see who you'll be up against.

(Mordecai and Rigby gasp)

Muscle Man: Oh no, bro!

(A police cruiser is revealed with two posers dressed as Carter and Briggs in it)

Muscle Man: (continued) A mint-condition 1985 police cruiser?! 300 horsepower V8, extra bald tire streaks, air dynamic chassis?

(The Briggs poser drives as Mordecai and Rigby scream, then they do donuts until they stop. They come out as the crowd cheers)

Carter: Hey, Briggs! Those guys look like us!

Briggs Poser: (as he and the Carter poser bow to the real Carter and Briggs) It is an honor, Carter and Briggs. And as for you two posers, you are going down!

Mordecai: Posers?! We don't need Halloween costumes to be fans.

Briggs Poser: As Escobito said in the TV movie "Carter and Briggs Bust Russia": We will destroy them your holiness.

Mordecai: Well is Briggs said in episode 238: Shut your crime hole!

Carter Poser: Episode 129: Eat taser! (takes out a taser)

(Carter and Briggs laugh nervously)

Briggs: Alright

Carter: Which team will win the chance to be on Carter and Briggs?!

Briggs: Probably the one that's exact replica of police cruiser, am I right?

Carter and Briggs: Awww! Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-Ah!!

Carter: Teams, to your vehicles!

(The two teams go to their vehicles. Muscle Man goes to Mordecai and Rigby)

Muscle Man: Bros! Bros! Don't listen to them! Focus. They have 1985 police cruiser replica, which is pretty much the perfect donut spining winning machine. But I don't train losers to lose, I train winners to win! Now go win this Donut Spinathon, losers! (He walks away)

Mordecai: Thanks! I guess.

(The final round of the Spinathon starts as the two teams do donuts)

Muscle Man: Pump the edgy, bros!

(Mordecai shifts the stick gear, which makes their cart spin faster, then the Briggs poser shifts the stick gear, which makes their police cruiser spin faster)

Briggs Poser: Hit the grace.

(He pushes a button, which releases grease on the ground and they spin on it)

Benson: Come on!

Carter: Whoah! That straight illegal brad?

Briggs: Does it matter?

(They kept spinning on the grease until they get closer to the cart as Mordecai and Rigby scream, then they bump the cart, making both of the teams' vehicles bump into the walls of the stadium until they continue to spin)

Mordecai: You'll never break our spin!

Rigby: We got mad skills!

Briggs Poser: Who need skills?!

(He pulls a lever, which lets out an engine and a speed booster as Mordecai and Rigby scream, then the cruiser spins and hit Mordecai and Rigby's cart, making the vehicles spin at zero turning radius and create a vortex, which the crowd, except Muscle Man and Skips, who are holding an edge of the stadium, run away. They spin in the vortex as Mordecai and Rigby scream and the the Crater and Briggs poser laugh maniacally)

Carter Poser: Resist defeat, we have ways to dealing with you!

(He grabs a baton and hits Mordecai and Rigby, but Rigby grabs the Carter poser's arm.)

Carter Poser: The sooner you die, the sooner we will be on "Carter and Briggs."

Mordecai: You guys are psycho!

(They see a piece of the ground above the vortex, then Rigby bites the Carter poser's arm, making him drop the baton and land in Rigby's hands. Rigby throws the baton at the piece of the ground, making it fall, then Mordecai spins the cart away from the police cruiser)

Carter Poser: That hurt!

(The piece of the ground crashes on the police cruiser, causing it to drive at the bottom of the vortex and it explodes, killing the two posers)

Rigby: We're gonna win!

(A skull monster with tentacles rises up)

Rigby: We're gonna die!

Mordecai: What do we do?!

(Rigby gasps)

Muscle Man: (voice-over) You gonna drive in a vortex, bro?

Rigby: Dude! We gonna do zero turning radius! Spin in a vortex!

Mordecai: But that's crazy!

Rigby: Have any better ideas?

(Mordecai pumps the gas pump and turns the wheel to spin with the vortex)

Mordecai: Hold it!

(The cart starts spinning with the vortex as the two are vibrating)

Mordecai: It's workinnnnnnng!

Rigby: Zeeeero turrrrning radiuuuus!

(The cart continues to spin with the vortex until it rises out of the vortex as the crowd watches. Muscle Man smiles. Carter and Briggs get up)

Briggs: We have a winner!

(The cart comes down and stops spinning as Mordecai, Rigby and the cart are vibrating. Carter and Briggs gives Mordecai and Rigby magnetically as the medals land on their chests.)

Carter: Congrats, Motorcai and Spinsby.

Briggs: See you two on set.

(Mordecai and Rigby gasp excitedly. Scene circle-wipes to the house where the guys, including Margaret, Eileen and Thomas, are in the living room watching Mordecai and Rigby's guest starring roles on Carter and Briggs.)

Benson: This free publicity will be so good for the park.

Mordecai: Shh! Be quiet. Our scene is next!

(They watch the scene where Mordecai and Rigby, who are wearing the shirts Benson gave them, are in an area in town with Carter and Briggs where the scene is made)

Rigby: Pu-pulling us of the street walt do-doing a thing, Carter and Briggs.

(Carter and Briggs look disappointed)

Mordecai: Yeah! Crime is like a lizard's tail It always (cough) It always grows back?

Briggs: Take your last breath of fresh air, punks. 'Cause you won't be breathing them for a long time.

(Carter is proceeding to arrest Rigby)

Rigby: Hey! That actually hurt!

(The screen freeze-frames as credits appear for the executive producer (T. M. Blunderbuss))

Mordecai: So, what do everybody think?

(Everyone, disappointed at the scene, mumble and walk away, leaving Mordecai and Rigby)

Mordecai: Dude, this is the best day in my life.

Rigby: That's exactly what I was gonna say.

(Episode ends)