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Dead at Eight/Transcript

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 (Scene takes place during a bright day. Muscle Man is hammering and sawing some wood.)

Mordecai: Looks like he's at it again.

Rigby: Ugh... Why does he waste his time?

(Mordecai and Rigby walk toward Muscle Man.)

Mordecai: You've been building your water slide for six weeks.

Rigby: You're never gonna ride it, man.

Muscle Man: (Shakes his head) Dudes, dudes. Let me get real for a second. This slide is my life's work. It's gotta be perfect.

Rigby: Dude, dude, we dare you to ride it right now.

Muscle Man: I'll ride it when it's done. (Walks toward wooden beams) I still need to add some support beams to the ramp (Camera shows ramp) so that I can clear my trailer and land in the lake. (Camera shows ramp, lake, a tree, and Muscle Man's car in the distance.)

Mordecai: Dude, its totally sturdy.

Muscle Man: Yeah, but-

(Rigby cuts him off.)

Rigby: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Muscle Man: What? You think just cause you're yelling "Boo" I'm gonna ignore-

Mordecai & Rigby: Booooo!

Muscle Man: (Runs) Fine! I'll do it!

Mordecai & Rigby: Hmm, hmm, hmm hmm!

Muscle Man: (Now on top of the hill and screws open fire hydrant) I'm totally gonna do it, you know!

Mordecai: Sure you are, man!

Rigby: You think he's really gonna do it?

Mordecai: No dude, he's never gonna do it. He'll just wuss out like he did last week.

Muscle Man: (Shirtless and running) WHOO!!!!!! WHOO!!!!

Rigby: Yep, any second now he'll stop.

(Muscle Man is shown in slow motion as he jumps on the water slide. He is laying down on his back and he has his arms crossed over his chest.)

Mordecai: (Shocked) I can't believe it! Dude, he did it!

Muscle Man: (Goes down the slide) WHOO!! WHOO!!!

(Muscle Man passes Mordecai and Rigby.)

Rigby: Yeah!

Mordecai: Go dude!

Rigby: Go man!!

Muscle Man: In yo face, suckers!! (Gasps to see the ramp is breaking.)

Mordecai: Oh, geez!

Muscle Man: Yah, aaah! Yah!

(Muscle Man hits his trailer, then crashes into some tree branches.)

Rigby: He could be all right. (Gasps)

(Muscle Man slides off a tree branch and lands on top of his car.)

Mordecai: Are you okay?

(Muscle Man gets up to show a bruised face with branches sticking out.)

Mordecai & Rigby: Ahh!

Muscle Man: Yeah, I'm all good. (Spits out a tooth) Did you see how cool I looked?

(Death comes through a portal talking to someone on his phone.)

Death: What do you mean you can't babysit tonight? I know it's short notice. I'll pay you double. Wait, wait, don't hang up!! Oh!

(Death walks over to Mordecai, Rigby, & Muscle Man)

Death (continued): I'm in a bit of a rush today, so I'll just take Muscle Man's soul and be off.

Muscle Man: But I'm barely even hurt. It's just a few broken--

(Death interrupts and lifts up his scythe.)

Mordecai & Rigby: No wait, stop!

Mordecai: It's all our fault! He didn't even want to use the slide.

Death: Sorry, boys. No exceptions.

Mordecai: Please, we'll do anything!

Death: Anything?

Mordecai & Rigby: Yeah!

Muscle Man: Yeah.

Death: Hmm, wait a sec. Maybe we can make a deal. If you two babysit my son Thomas so I can take my wife out for our anniversary tonight, I'll let your friend go.

Mordecai: Sure, not a problem.

Death: Very good.

(Death pulls out an amulet and shrinks Muscle Man inside it.)

Muscle Man: Oh, no! Help me, bros!

Death: I'll be keeping your friend in this amulet until the wife and I return from dinner. And one more thing: if Thomas isn't asleep by 8:00, Muscle Man's soul is mine for eternity. Got it?

(Scene then goes to Mordecai, Rigby, and Death walking to his house and opening the front doors)

Death: Baby! I'm home!

Death's Wife: Who is that with you? Wait, let me guess, the "babysitters". (Walks down the stairs and walks over to the guys) Well I must say, you two certainly don't much look like babysitters.

Death: (Chuckles) Course they are! The best babysitters money can buy.

Rigby: (Laughs nervously) Yep, we're totally babysitters.

Death's Wife: And how did my husband contact you a month ago?

Mordecai: Phone.

Rigby: Email.

Death: Fax.

Rigby: Email?

Death: Phone?

Mordecai: Fax?

Death: All three naturally. Wanted to be thorough.

Death's Wife: And you've had experience with paranormal children?

Mordecai: Yeah. Pairs, one on one, all sorts of normal kids.

Rigby: Hey, so, where is the little guy anyway?

Death: Oi, Thomas. Say hi to uncle Mordo and uncle Rigs.

Death's Wife: Come on Thomas. (Thomas is seen babbling nearby) Come to mommy. (Picks Thomas up) You know, Thomas can be quite a handful. Make sure he's asleep when we get back. If he isn't, I'll be most disappointed in you. ALL of you.

Death: I will be disappointed also. (Makes MM get squished in the amulet) Get it?!

(Death and his wife walk out.)

Death's Wife: So, where is the reservation?

(Death and his wife teleport into their car and drive off.)

Death: Oh, you know, that extra fancy, extra available place.

Muscle Man: I can't believe this! You losers better know what you're doing! Do you even know how to get a kid to sleep?

Rigby: Dude, no problem.

Mordecai: Yeah, man, he's just a kid,

(Cut to Thomas's room)

Mordecai: Okay little dude,  time to go to sleep. 

Thomas: (Talking like an adult) NO! I REFUSE.

Mordecai: What the--

Rigby: Wait, you can talk?

Thomas : Of course I can. I am over 300 years old.

Rigby: Wait, do your parents know?

Thomas: NO! And let's keep it that way! I wanna ride this baby thing out for a little while longer, and before I slumber, I demand that we play.

Rigby: Well, okay. But you better go to sleep after that! (Mordecai nods)

(A montage of playing begins. Mordecai and Rigby let Thomas play with a small scary-looking vacumn cleaner, and fiery sparks come out of. Next, Rigby gives Thomas a black toy bunny which he chews up, spits out, and tears the stuffing out of. Mordecai, Rigby, and Thomas start playing with fake guns, Muscle Man not feeling amused. Thomas is later taken to a swing to play on, and he performs a fiery trick. Mordecai and Rigby show some appreciation, though it later gets out of hand.)

Thomas: That was an excellent playtime.

Rigby: Ok! Now, you need to go to sleep!

Thomas: (With fire in the background) In time, but right now, I hunger: for food!

(Cut to the kitchen)

Mordecai: Ok. Let's see what we can find. (Opens the fridge, which appears to have a magical green light) Ok. Soul juice, goat's feet....augh, almond milk? (Finds something) Oh, there it is. (Pulls out a glass of milk and gives it to Thomas) Here you go, Thomas. Warm milk.

Thomas: Warm milk is (Whacks glass away) nothing to me! I want cookies! (Sucks cookies into his mouth) I also love sugar! (Sucks sugar out of a bag in the cupboard) It gives me power! (Starts bouncing around the kitchen)

Muscle Man: UghYou toolboxes are hopeless! You couldn't put a kid to bed to save your lives!

Rigby: Well, it's a good thing it's your life at stake then.

Muscle Man: (Furiously begins banging the glass) You shut your face! You're lucky I'm stuck in this ball!

(The phone starts to ring. Mordecai goes to answer it.)

Mordecai: Hello?

Death: Dinner went magnificently. We're coming back now, and if Thomas isn't asleep, Muscle Man will be a permanent part of my wife's jewellery collection! (Hangs up)

(Mordecai gasps)

Mordecai: They're on their way home.

Rigby: What do we do?!

Muscle Man: You get up there and put that kid to bed, or I'll haunt you turds for the rest of your lives!

(Mordecai and Rigby are seen walking around, trying to find Thomas.)

Mordecai: Thomas?

Rigby: Thomas!

(They enter a room where Thomas is moving around.)

Mordecai: Thomas, get down from there!

Rigby: You promised you'd go to bed after you ate!

Thomas: Dad always reads me a story before bed. (He drops down onto the floor) Regale me with a story.

Mordecai: Okay. (Grabs a book off the shelf) Uh, once upon a time...

Thomas: Not that book. (Points behind Mordecai) That book.

(Mordecai and Rigby turn to see a book that is being held up by skeleton hands and is engulfed in flames. The camera then zooms in on it.)

Mordecai: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Thomas: It is a terrific idea.

Muscle Man: Just read it, bros! (He begins to sweat) It's starting to smell like B.O. in here for some reason!

(A clock transition shows Mordecai, Rigby, and Thomas sitting on the couch. Mordecai is getting ready to read Thomas the story.)

Mordecai: (Reads the book title) The Hungry Hungry Soul-Sucking Death Worm. (Continues reading) The hungry, hungry soul-sucking death worm was so, so hungry-

Thomas: Pull the tab! (Mordecai pulls the tab.)

Mordecai: He searched far and wide for souls to eat, but only got hungrier.

Thomas: This is the most boring part of the book. It gets much better.

(The scene then skips ahead to where Mordecai is almost done reading the book.)

Mordecai: And once all the souls were eaten, he took a nice, long nap. The end. (Looks up) That was a pretty good book.

Thomas: No, wait. You forgot to pull the last tab. (The camera zooms in on the tab.) 

Mordecai: Uh...

Thomas: PULL IT! This is my favorite part!

Mordecai: What's the point? The book's over, dude.

Thomas: If you don't, I won't go to bed.

(Mordecai and Rigby then pull the tab, releasing a real life soul-sucking death worm, which breaks the table in front of them. Mordecai and Rigby scream and run away while Thomas claps.)

Thomas: Don't be afraid, just feed it!

Mordecai: What do we feed it?

Thomas: Souls. (He tries to teleport Muscle Man out of the amulet.)

Muscle Man: Wah!

(The death worm roars happily when it sees Muscle Man. Rigby screams in fear and runs away with Mordecai as the hungry creature comes towards him. He keeps running and turns around only to see the death worm right behind him. He quickly thinks of an idea and takes off the amulet.)

Rigby: Mordecai! Catch!

(Rigby throws the amulet and barely avoids getting bitten by the death worm. Muscle Man screams as he is hurled through the air. Mordecai manages to catch the amulet, which makes the death worm start to chase after him instead. As it turns, its tail hits Rigby in the face, causing Rigby to be flung into a TV.)

Thomas: What are you doing? Give it the fat man's soul! (He climbs up Mordecai in an attempt to get the amule.t)

Mordecai: Hey! Uuuuh! (Thomas bites Mordecai's arm, causing Mordecai to drop the amulet) Ow! (The amulet rolls away.) Augh, knock it off!

(The death worm smiles as it sees Muscle Man, and Thomas laughs with glee. Before Muscle Man can be eaten, however, Rigby rolls by and snatches up the amuet.)

Rigby: I got it! (He rolls out of the way right before the death worm eats him) A little help, Mordecai?!

(Mordecai runs to catch up with Rigby.)

Mordecai: Dude, we have to get the worm back in the book!

Rigby: (Tosses the amulet) Take Muscle Man. I got a plan! (He runs away.)

Mordecai: Rigby!

(Rigby slides into the living room and grabs the book. Meanwhile, Mordecai is shown running away from the death worm as Thomas follows in hot pursuit, laughing. Mordecai then runs up a flight of stairs, causing the death worm to chase him.)

Thomas: No, no, no! This is not how it is written! The worm must eat the soul! (He throws a piece of wood at Mordecai.)

Mordecai: (Ducks) No way, you bloodthirsty little jerk!

(He continues to run away as the death worm appears right behind him. Rigby then runs back into the room with the book in his hands.)

Rigby: Mordecai, throw Muscle Man over to Thomas!

(Mordecai is shown running up the flight of stairs again. He stops when he hears Rigby say this.)

Mordecai: What, he'll just feed him to the worm! (The worm roars in response.)

Rigby: Trust me!

Muscle Man: You better not do it, man!

Mordecai: Sorry, Muscle Man!

(He throws the amulet over to Thomas, which confuses the death worm. Muscle Man screams in anguish.)

Thomas:  I will feed it myself if I need to! (The amulet lands into his open hands.) Huh?

(The death worm then proceeds to jump down the flight of stairs in order to get to Muscle Man.)

Thomas (continued): Ah! That's not what I meant!

(Right before the death worm can eat Muscle Man's soul, Rigby jumps in front of Thomas with the open book. Rigby screams as the death worm starts to get sucked back into the book, and Mordecai picks up Thomas and the amulet. The death worm has its tail wrapped around a chandelier, but that does not stop it from getting pulled back into the book. Rigby then closes the book in success.)

Mordecai: Dude. Nice!

Rigby: (Whose face has been messed up from the force of the worm getting sucked back into the book) Thanks!

Muscle Man: Ugh. I think I'm gonna hurl.

Thomas: Augh! That was an awful storytime!

Rigby: Hey, we read you the story, now go to sleep!

Thomas: I could have been killed! I'm never going to sleep! Never, ever! Look at the time!

(The camera zooms in on a clock, which shows that it is almost eight p.m. Mordecai and Rigby gasp.)

Thomas (continued): Mommy and daddy will be back any minute now, and when they see me wide awake, they'll go ballistic.

(Footsteps are heard right outside the door. Mordecai and Rigby gasp in fear. Thomas starts laughing, only to be silenced when the chandelier falls on top of him. Mordecai and Rigby grimace.)

Mordecai: Dude, we're so dead.

Rigby: He could... be alright.

(The door opens)

Death: We're back! (He gasps.) Oh! What happened here? (Camera follows Death as he walks around and points out everything.) Broken furniture all over the place? Fires everywhere! My favorite harp: ruined! Unbelievable! (He walks back over to Mordecai and Rigby) And what about Thomas?!

Rigby: Uhhhhh....

Death's Wife: Thomas? (She lifts up the chandelier) He's out cold. (She walks back over to Death) Oh, thanks for a perfect anniversary, darling. (She kisses Death and walks away with Thomas.)

Death: Right. (Points at Mordecai and Rigby) You two... are the best babysitters we've ever had! You certainly did better than the last few. (He holds up his hand, which has three rings with the last few babysitters' souls inside) I'm impressed. I was sure you'd perish.

Mordecai: Yeah, thanks. But you know what we want. (He holds up the amulet.)

Rigby: Bring Muscle Man back.

Death: Alright, fine. A deal's a deal.

(Death teleports Muscle Man out of the amulet, which also brings Muscle Man back to his original size. Muscle Man cheers and swings his shirt over his head until he realizes it is now too small to put back on. A clock transition then shows Mordecai, Rigby, and Muscle Man standing outside of Death's house.)

Death (continued): You know, it's not easy juggling a full-time job and raising a family, so don't expect it to be so easy to get one of your souls back next time. Which will be soon, what with Muscle Man entering that hot dog eating contest. (Mordecai, Rigby, and Muscle Man laugh) Seriously, you're gonna die in a hot dog eating contest. Ta! (He walks away and closes the door)

Rigby: Wait, how do we get home?

(End of Dead at Eight)

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