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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
This page is the transcript for "Death Punchies".

(Mordecai turns on the television, Rigby inserts the game cartridge in the console and Mordecai presses the power button on the console.)

Announcer on game: Da-da-da-da-da! Dig Champs!

Rigby: Dude, these are probably the best graphics I've ever seen in my life!

Mordecai: Dude, it looks just like the cover!

(Mordecai and Rigby chuckle at the cover of the game and the game itself, with the cover obviously looking better and different then the actual game.)

M&R: Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!

Mordecai: Oh man. Dude, let's play it.

Rigby: Woah, woah, woah! You can't play game like this right out of the box. We should stretch it out first. We don't want to pull our "hammies," know what I'm sayin'? Hey, whatta ya doin'?!

Mordecai: Starting. Hurry up, and, pick your character! He-he-he!

Rigby: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!

Mordecai: Dude, I'm player one. You're player two.

Rigby: I don't wanna be player two! He digs with a sucky pickaxe! I want the one with the shovel!

Mordecai: Dude, they're exactly the same!

Rigby: Then why don't you be player two?!

Mordecai: Pffft. I'm not using that sucky pickaxe!

Rigby: (gasps) See?!

Mordecai: Dude, calm down! Let's play Punchies to see who gets to be player one.

Rigby: Fine!

(Rigby tries to punch Mordecai. He fails. Mordecai then punches Rigby and wins.)

Rigby: Ahh!

Mordecai: Looks like I'm player one.

Rigby: No! It's not fair! You always get your way! (Mockingly): Let's play Punchies, let's play Punchies. I'm sick of it! Of course I'm not gonna beat you at punchies!

Mordecai: Dude, you don't beat anybody at punchies.

Rigby: Yes I do!

Mordecai: No you don't.

(A series of flashbacks is shown. Rigby and Muscle Man are playing punchies. Muscle Man wins. Pops with his eyes closed punches Rigby to the wall.)

Rigby: Ahh!

(In the last flashback, seemingly drunk Mordecai and Pops see also seemingly drunk Skips punch Rigby. Rigby is being taken off by a helicopter presumably to a hospital.)

Mordecai: We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! Quick, doctor, both of these butt cheeks are unrecognizable. If we want anyone to be able to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, stat!

Rigby: Stop talking!!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!

Mordecai: Ha-ha-ha! That's right! We used to call you the One- Cheek Wonder! Dude, I'm bringin' it back.

Rigby: You better not!

Muscle Man: Is that One- Cheek wonder? I hope he's not trying to play Punchies with cheeks like that!

M&MM: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Close up of Rigby's butt cheeks. Rigby covers them with his tail.)

Rigby: Shut up! Don't look at them! I'll win at punchies, you'll see!

(Rigby runs to his and Mordecai's room.)

Rigby: Wahhh!!! (Jumps on Mordecai's bed.) Ugh! Ugh! Dumb Mordecai! I hate you!

Mordecai (downstairs): You better not be messin' up my side of the room!

Rigby: Ahhhhhhhhh! (grabs book) You're ruining my life!!! (throws book at the door, it bounces of and hits him in the face) Oww!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!!!!!!!!!

(A frustrated Mordecai puts on headphones and plays the video game.)

Rigby: Ughh! Stupid bo-ok?

(An interested Rigby looks at the phone book, which says "Death Kwon Do.")

Rigby: Death Kwon Do? "Learn kicks, chops and punches in moments. Unlock your full potential today"? Y-e-es!.

(Cut to the "Death Kwon Do" building.)

Sensei: It's a touching story. Really, it is. But I don't know if you're ready for Death Kwon Do.

Rigby: Why not?!

Sensei: Death Kwon Do is all about self-defense. But, from the sound of it, you just want to hit harder.

Rigby: Uhhhh....no? Can you just teach me something?

Sensei: Hmm. Determination. I like that. Okay, I'll teach you some beginner defensive moves. All you gotta do is pick from the sacred text of Death Kwon Do.

(Sensei holds up a book titled "Death Kwon Do.")

Sensei: Let's see, we can start you off with "Bicep Flex of Death." Or there's the "Leg Lifts of Death." That's a good beginner's move. Or the "Pelvic Thrust of Death." That's one of my personal favorites.

(Rigby is searching for moves in the book.)

Rigby: That one. That's the one I want. "The Death Punch."

Sensei: That I'm afraid is not for beginners.

Rigby: What, why?!

Sensei: Because you only want to use it to beat up your friends. You're not pure of heart!

Rigby: What?! Don't call me "not pure of heart"! What about you with your crappy mullet?! You're the one who's not pure of heart!

Sensei: That's it! I'm turning my back on you and counting to three! Of death. And when I turn back around you're toast! One of death. Two of death.

(A rip is heard. Rigby has ripped out "The Death Punch of Death.")

Sensei: Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Death Kwon Do Student: Uhh...Sensei, uhh.., I think somebody just Death Kwon Clogged the toilet.

Sensei: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

("You're the Best Around" sung by Joe Esposito is heard during the montage. Rigby is trying to learn how to perform the "The Death Punch." Rigby fails, but learns how The Death Punch is used to have a mullet. He combs his hair into one, but still fails. He then learns you also have to wear cut jeans to perform it. He cuts the legs off of a pair of jeans and puts them on. He successfully performs The Death Punch by braking his and Mordecai's burrow. You're the Best Around fades away.)

Rigby: Woah! Time to take this baby for a test drive.

(Rigby goes outside.)

Rigby: Huh-waaaaayyyyy! Hah! (targets Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost.)

Rigby: Heyy-yah! Heyy-yah! Heyyyyyyyyyy-yah! Hah! ("punches" Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost. Muscle Man hits the wall)

Muscle Man: Oh no, bro!

(Rigby then targets Pops.)

Rigby: Heyy-yah! (punches Pops up to the sun)

(Rigby then targets Skips.)

Rigby: Heyyyy-yah! (punches Skips all the way a park light, leaving a rut.)

Rigby: Hah! Mmmeeeh!

(Rigby explodes the Snack Bar. Then the park fountain. Then a carnival tent. And finally, a rock.)

Rigby: Uhhhhh-aughhhhh! You're next, Mordecai!!

(Cut to the door of the bathroom. Mordecai comes out. A flush sound is heard.)

Mordecai: Do-do. Do-do. Do-do, do-do, do-do. All right, Rigby, cry baby time's over. Come on, let's go get some food. I'm buying.

(Mordecai notices Rigby's destruction of their room.)

Mordecai: Aw, what?! Rigby! Aughhhhh! He's gonna pay for this. (Picks up the phone book.) Death Kwon Do?

Rigby: Where are you, Mordecai? I wanna play you punchies!

(Mordecai looks through the shades of his and Rigby's window.)

Rigby: Hey, mister, have you seen Mordecai?

Man 1: Uhhhh.., no. W-who's..(Rigby punches the Man.) Ughhhhhh!

Rigby: Have you seen 'im?

Man 2: Seen w-ughhhhh! (Rigby punches the second man.)

Rigby: How 'bout you?

(Punches the third man up on the window.)

Man 3: Ughhhh! Uhhhhhh........

Mordecai: Oh, so you think you're gonna beat me at punchies? Well, I've got news for you. I know your little secret.

(Cut to the park. The park is destroyed beyond repair.)

Dog 1: Rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr!

Dog 2: Uhmmm.

Rigby: Now massage this foot!

Skips: But I already did that one.

Rigby: Then rub it again! Unless you want to get punched again! And Pops, what's with the easy-breezy? Speed it up! My pepperonis are roasting down here!

Pops: Uhh-hmm!

Rigby: Muscle Man, you see Mordecai yet?

Muscle Man: Uhhh, I can't see anything. (he lowers the binoculars, revealing two black eyes)

Mordecai: I'm right here, Rigby!

Rigby: Gimme those!

(Notices Mordecai's attire. His hair is in a mullet and he is wearing jean shorts like Rigby.)

Rigby: Looks like you've learned the ways of Death Kwon Do.

Mordecai: Looks like you know how to say things people are already aware of.

Rigby: Whatever! You can't handle The Death Punch!

Mordecai: That sounds like a challenge.

Rigby: That's because maybe it IS a challenge!

Mordecai: Well then what're you doing up there?

Rigby: Muscle Man, Hi Fives, carry me down.

(Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost carry Rigby down to Mordecai.)

Rigby: Don't drop me! Be careful! Woah, woah! Leaning, leaning! Here, here! Set me here. What move did you learn?

Mordecai: Why don't you come over here and find out.

Rigby: Hmm! Heyyyyyyyaaaaaahuhuhuh-hah!

(Rigby punches Mordecai.)

Rigby: What?!

(Mordecai is not injured.)

Rigby: How come you're not dead yet?

Mordecai: Probably because I learned "The Death Block." (He holds up the page for it.) It worked pretty good for a first try, either that or your Death Punch totally blows!

Rigby: I'll kill you!!!! Yayhyhyhyhy!

Mordecai: Hmm-hmm! You're never gonna beat me at punchies!

Rigby: Nyyayayayahah!

(Rigby repeateadly punches Mordecai, albeit failing, as the hole surrounding the two gets wider and deeper and Skips, Pops, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost watch the impact.)

Rigby: (panting)

Mordecai: Are you finished yet?

Rigby: Not until I smash you!!!!! Hyhaaw! (He punches Mordecai again and begins panting, but suddenly, a crack rips up the wall causing rock and soil to fly out, the lava starts to ooze out of the crack.)

Mordecai: Woah.

Rigby: What? Are you afraid of a little lava? Hyayaaha! (Because of the punches, more cracks and lava occur.)

Mordecai: Dude, this is serious! We've gotta get out of here!

Rigby: Never! Not until I beat you at punchies! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! (more lava spews)

Mordecai: Dude, stop! We're gonna die!

Rigby: I don't care!!! I'm sick of you always winning!!!!

(Mordecai has a realization about Rigby's statement. In the flashbacks, he first punches Rigby in his arm. And again. And again. Then on his side. Then on his back. And finally, in his crotch.)

Rigby: I'm not quitting 'till I win!!!

(Rigby continually punches Mordecai.)

Rigby: Heh-huh. Heh-huh. Heh-huh.

Mordecai: (faking) Aw! You got me, you got me! Aw, you got me! You win! We have to stop now 'cause I lost.

Rigby: Hah! I told ya I was gonna win! In yo face! Yay-hay-hay! I finally get to be player one!

Mordecai: What?! That's what this is about?! You just wanted to be player one?!

Rigby: Huh! That's all I ever wanted!

Mordecai: Dude, you can totally be player one.

Rigby: (sobs)

Mordecai: Dude, quit crying. I said you could be player one.

Rigby: I know, but what good is being player one now? We're just gonna die in this lava!!!

Mordecai: Don't worry, dude. I can get us away from the lava.

Rigby: Really? How?

Mordecai: You think I'm dumb enough to steal only one Death Kwon Do move?

Rigby: Wha-?

Mordecai: Now, how do you wanna get outta here? "The Death Jump" or "The Death Dump"?

Rigby: Aw, sick!!! Better go with the Death Jump.

Mordecai: Hold on tight.

(Mordecai flies up to the sky holding Rigby.)

Pops: Look!

Sensei: Why yes sir, I have the Death Jump and the Death Dump right he-- (opens the notebook... only to find both the Death Jump and Death Dump pages ripped out, courtesy of Mordecai) Nnnnoooooooooooo!

Announcer on game: Da-da-da-da-da! Dig Champs!

Rigby: Aw, yes! It's finally happening!

Mordecai: Yep. For once being a huge baby actually worked out for you!

Rigby: Stop talking!!!!!!!!

Mordecai: Hah-ha-hah! Dude, just hurry up and play. You're just gonna die right at the beginning anyway.

Rigby: Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah! Unn! I'll show you!

(Rigby plays the game. He is killed by a snail.)

Rigby: Aw, what?! Snails are bad?! I thought snails were good!

Mordecai: No, dude, snails are bad.

Rigby: Aw, man! This sucks!....... I wanna be player two.


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