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This page is the transcript for "Dumped at the Altar".

(Episode begins at Pops' house. Rigby is opening a soda and gives it to Mordecai. He smiles at the sunset.)

Rigby: Hmmm. (sips his drink) So, how are things with CJ now that Margaret's admitted she has feelings for you?

Mordecai: Psh. I don't know. Pretty weird.

Rigby: Mmmm. Mmmhmm.

(He takes another sip of his soda.)

Mordecai: I actually haven't even seen her very much. She's had some friends visiting out of town, so we haven't really had a chance to talk about stuff. It's awkward.

(The ringtone from "Mordecai and Rigby: Ringtoneers" is heard. Mordecai looks at his phone; CJ is calling.)

Rigby: Don't be afraid of your feelings, Mordecai.

Mordecai: (sarcastically) Thanks.

(He hits Rigby in the face.)

Rigby: Hey!

(Mordecai answers the call.)

Mordecai: Hey!

(CJ appears in split-screen.)

CJ: Hey.

Mordecai: What's up?

CJ: Mmm, not much. How are you?

Mordecai: Good, good.

(Rigby sighs in exasperation.)

CJ: Do you guys have a lot to do today?

Mordecai: Yeah. Muscle Man's wedding is tonight, so we're gonna be pretty busy. What time are you getting here?

CJ: Probably right before the ceremony.

Mordecai: Cool, cool. Well, cool. I guess I'll see you later then.

CJ: Definitely. I'll see you later.

(CJ hangs up.)

Mordecai: See? It's awkward.

Rigby: Well, what're you gonna do?

Mordecai: I dunno. It's fine.

Rigby: (concerned) Dude!

Mordecai: I'm fine, what?

Rigby: (concedes) Okay, you're fine.

(Cut to the next morning at Pops' house. The groundskeepers are gathered at the front.)

Benson: Okay, Muscle Bro's on his way with the tuxes. Skips, you've got the ice sculpture covered?

(Skips rolls out the ice sculpture; it is Muscle Man and Starla's heads lip-locking in a horn of plenty. Muscle Man gasps.)

Muscle Man: Our horn of plenty!

Benson: (spinning pen) Let's see, what else?

(Muscle Man stands up.)

Muscle Man: Can I just take a minute to tell you guys something? If you were to ask me to assemble a team of the best wedding planners I could find, a team more potent than the sum of its parts, each wheel turning...independently...yet together...

(Muscle Man breaks down crying, and smashes the sculpture.)

Mordecai, Rigby, Pops and Hi Five Ghost: Whoa, Muscle Man!

Muscle Man: Oh no bro, oh no! I'm sorry! I didn't think I'd be this emotional, but it's been a wild ride since about 4 in the morning!

Skips: Don't worry about it, Muscle Man.

(He gets a replica of the sculpture.)

Skips (continued): We expected this.

Muscle Man: (wipes tear) You guys... (yells in happiness) I meant what I said about the...

(He feels another breakdown and nearly chops the replica, but Benson comes to stop him.)

Benson: (laughs) Alright. Let's get this guy married, people!

(Cut to Parkside Lux. Inside, Mordecai and Rigby are setting up the chairs.)

Mordecai: 57, 58.

(He holds his arms out to catch the next folding chair.)

Mordecai (continued): 58...Dude!

(Rigby is covered in chairs, pretending to shoot guns. He falls back in the pile of folding chairs and laughs.)

Mordecai (continued): Man, come on. Why do you always do that?

(Mordecai's phone rings again. He fumbles with it.)

Rigby: (getting up) Oh, man.

(He grabs a folding chair and goes up to Mordecai. Mordecai turns away and answers his phone.)

Mordecai: Heey, Margaret.

Rigby: (eyes widen) Margaret? Is she coming to the wedding too?

Mordecai: (to Rigby) Go away!

(Margaret appears on the other end.)

Margaret: (laughs) I am coming to the wedding.

Mordecai: Sorry, Rigby was just not setting up chairs.

Margaret: That actually sounds a lot better than what I'm doing.

(We get a full view of Margaret's location. Starla is being prepped for the wedding.)

Margaret (continued): Starla's turning out to be a pretty high-maintenance bride.

Starla: Ugh! I feel like a stuffed sausage! Where's Eileen with my Gas-Be-Gone?!

(Eileen frustratingly storms in with an iced coffee.)

Eileen: You asked me to go get you an iced coffee!

(She sighs, places the iced coffee down, and storms out.)

Margaret: I should run. But I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on our double date. I apologize to CJ too. I didn't mean to make things weird, it's just-

Mordecai: Yeah, yeah, it's cool.

Margaret: Well, see you at the wedding.

(Mordecai looks back and is shocked at something.)

Mordecai: Uh, yeah. Okay, bye! (hangs up) Rigby?!

(The chairs are stacked up together in a pyramid instead of in rows.)

Rigby: Yes.

Mordecai: This is the complete opposite of setting up chairs!

Rigby: (smugly) Yeah, but now who dropped out of art school?

(Some time later, the wedding venue is set up and attendees start to arrive one at a time. Mordecai and Rigby are wearing tuxes and standing at the front entrance ushering them in. Margaret walks into view.)

Mordecai: (noticing her) Margaret, hey!

Margaret: Hey.

Mordecai: I really like your...shoes. (close-up of her pacific blue pumps) Uh, w-what would you call those? (Rigby shakes his head) Dress shoes?

Margaret: You look really nice.

Mordecai: (chuckles nervously) These old rags?

Margaret: Are you an usher? (holds her elbow out) How about ushing me to my seat?

(Off the corner of his eye, he sees CJ arriving on her bike in a lovely mauve dress.)

Mordecai: (nervously) Uh, you can just sit wherever or whatever.

Margaret: Okay. (she heads inside)

(CJ waves at Mordecai, who waves back. Rigby leans back against the wall and sighs in relief.)

Mordecai: (chuckles) Hey, it's good to see you. (they hug) Wow, you look amazing.

CJ: Thank you.

Mordecai: Heh, this is gonna be fun. It's gonna be good. (they lock arms and head inside) You know, there's a separate deep-fryer for each table.

CJ: Whaaat? That's not acceptable. I'm gonna need my own! (both laugh) Sorry about this week. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and--

Benson (on radio): (urgently) Mordecai! Mordecai, come in!

Mordecai: (answering his radio) Yeah, what's up? (CJ heads to her seat)

Benson (on radio): Things are really bad. We need backup now!

(Cut to Muscle Man's suite, which is left in shambles. The husband-to-be is tearing the curtains down in a fit of rage. Close-up of his bloodshot eyes as he prepares to lance a hole on the other wall with the curtain rod. Mordecai grabs the other end of the rod to stop him from causing more damage.)

Mordecai: Dude, what's going on?

Muscle Man: It's my wedding day, and I don't have a letter!

Rigby: A letter?

Benson: From Muscle Dad.

Muscle Man: There's no way he would've forgotten to leave me a letter for the most important day of my life!

Rigby: Did you look in your trailer?

Muscle Man: Are you kidding me right now, Rigby?!

(He violently kicks a chair all the way towards the wall, its legs stuck in the holes)

Benson: (admonishing) Married and Broke won't cover damages, Muscle Man!

Hi Five Ghost: Muscle Man, why don't you sit down? (places his arm over his shoulders to placate him) I'll get you some electrolytes, okay? Mordecai and Rigby will go find your letter for you.

Muscle Man: (panting, calms down) Yeah, okay.

(HFG walks Muscle Man back to his seat)

Hi Five Ghost: (to M&R) Write it yourselves if you have to, but do not come back here without that letter!

(Cut to Muscle Man's trailer, as M&R search for Muscle Dad's wedding letter. Mordecai looks under the couch cushions.)

Mordecai: Nothin'.

(Rigby rummages through a trash pile for the letter, and comes across a moldy sandwich with a living bat inside. The bat screeches and flies around, causing Rigby to scream in fright.)

Rigby: Of course he couldn't find that letter! This place is a sty!

Mordecai: Well, he won't get married without it, so just keep looking! Ugh! I just wanna get this dumb day over with. I'm gonna look over here.

Rigby: Hmm. You okay, dude? You seem a little on edge. You and CJ?

Mordecai: What about us?

Rigby: Well, you decide what you're gonna do yet?

Mordecai: What's to decide? I'm with CJ. We're happy. It's good.

Rigby: (not buying it) Uh-huh.

Mordecai: (slightly irritated) What? I said it's fine! Just leave it! Besides, no offense, dude, but what would you know about relationships anyway?

Rigby: Well, actually, smart guy, I-- Ehh….

Mordecai: Actually what?

(Rigby visibly struggles to keep from answering)

Mordecai: Spill it!

(Unable to keep it hidden anymore, Rigby loudly confesses…)

Rigby: EILEEN AND I ARE DATING!!!

(Mordecai gasps in shock over his friend's revelation, as the bat flies across the room. He drops his coffee mug — appearing strangely out of nowhere — as it breaks and spills coffee on the floor.)

Rigby: For, like, a couple of months now!

(close-up of Mordecai's slack-jawed face)

Rigby: WE HAVE MATCHING BRACELETS! (close-up of said bracelet on his right wrist, which reads "HIS ♥")

Mordecai: Ah, dude, that's crazy! Why didn't you tell me until now?

Rigby: We didn't want to shove our happiness down your throat too much. Well, I mean, I wanted to shove our happiness down your throat, but Eileen told me not to.

Mordecai: Ah, dude, I'm happy too, I swear. Everything's fine.

Rigby: Well, okay, but it's just-- Y'know, last few months, I've been really happy, and I think you deserve to be happy too, man. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I will say, I know you, and I think you should go with your gut for once. Look at me. I never think things through, and my life rules! (notices a milkshake cup amidst the trash pile) Ah sweet, chocolate milkshake! (grabs it and takes a sip)

Mordecai: (smiles) Thanks man, but it's not that bad. Besides, relationships are always complicated.

Rigby: Dude, Eileen and I have been dating for months, and you never even noticed. It doesn't need to be that complicated.

(Mordecai silently contemplates on this advice, but is interrupted by his phone ringing. He checks the caller ID and sees it's from Fives)

Rigby: Dude, you really need to change that. We did that, like, three years ago.

Mordecai: (answers his phone) Hey, Fives. How much time do we have?

Hi Five Ghost (on phone): Uh...

(Zooms out to show Fives at the ceremony, where everyone is gathered, Pops is officiating, and the Muscle couple are already on their "I Do"'s, as Muscle Man looks on nervously)

Starla: I do!

(the crowd murmurs)

Pops: (to Muscle Man) And do you?

Hi Five Ghost: Not much.

Rigby: Ugh! With all this junk everywhere, it could take us years to find this stupid letter!

(He kicks some nearby speakers in frustration, and the mountain of junk and trash falls down on him as he screams)

Mordecai: Rigby!

(Mordecai quickly rummages through the post-avalanche of trash to pull Rigby out. He pulls him out by the arm, as Rigby struggles to take a deep breath. He finds his other arm hidden underneath a dirty Burger Barn bag with flies swarming around.)

Rigby: Ugh! (removes the bag in repulsion) Huh? (finds himself holding an envelope, checks it, and gasps in realization) Mordecai!

(Shows him the unopened envelope with the words "WEDDING DAY" written on it)

Mordecai: That's it! Let's go!

(back at the altar, Pops addresses Muscle Man)

Pops: ...as long as you both shall live?

Muscle Man: (panicking) I... I CAN'T!!

(the crowd gasps and murmur in shock)

Starla: (worried) Mitch?

Muscle Man: I'm sorry, babe, but this is the biggest moment of my life, and…I-I just can't go through with it until I talk to my dad!

(Right on cue, M&R enter the venue through the double doors)

Mordecai: We got it! We got it!

(They rush to the stage and Rigby hands Muscle Man his dad's letter)

Muscle Man: (relieved) I knew I could count on you, bros! (unfolds the letter, clears throat) (reading) "To Muscle Son on his w-- His w--" (cries, falls to his knees in distress) I feel too much! (to Mordecai) You got to read it for me!

Mordecai: Me? Uh, I don't know.

(Close-up of Muscle Man's pleading face as he starts to cry again with snot running down his nose)

Mordecai: Okay, okay.

(He grabs the letter, walks up to the mic, clears his throat, and begins to read aloud)

Mordecai (reading): "To Muscle Son on his wedding day."

Muscle Dad (voice-over): (writing) "Son, if you're reading this letter, you've accomplished something very tough. You found yourself a co-pilot to help navigate the highway of life. You do your old Muscle Dad proud."

(Muscle Man looks on with a nearly tearful look of pride and joy. Rigby and Eileen are seated beside each other as Rigby is snacking from a paper bag. Benson forlornly looks at an empty chair next to him.)

Muscle Dad (continued): "Knowing you hitched the right trailer to the right rig is no easy feat. In any relationship, it's normal to have doubts, but when you find yourself wondering if you've made the right choice, remember the old Sorrenstein rule…"

Mordecai (reading): "Trust your gut." (he softly gasps in realization)

(Zooms in on Margaret, then pans right to CJ, seated in the same row)

Mordecai (continued): "It was your gut that told you you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, and it's the same gut that still fills up with butterflies when you make her smile."

Muscle Dad (voice-over): "The Sorrensteins have big guts for a reason, son. That ain't fat in there, it's wisdom. Good luck on your journey, Muscle Son. Your dad, Muscle Dad."

Muscle Man: (wipes tears, smiles) Thanks, Dad. (to Pops) Pops, let's do this!

Pops: Do you, Muscle--

Mordecai: (interrupting) Muscle Dad is right! Finding the right person is hard. You know, for a while, I've been telling myself there's no such thing as soul mates, but now I'm not so sure. Look at Muscle Man and Starla. It's like they were designed for each other. So where's my soul mate? Are they in this room? It could be anyone. (points towards Quips and Monica) Maybe it's you. (points at an old lady) Maybe it's that really old lady. I don't know.

Benson: (whispering angrily) Why are you talking?

Mordecai: Oh, uh, right. My point is, I...

(Looks over at Rigby, who's cringing at this display, and signals him to hurry up and leave the podium)

Mordecai (continues): (stammers) I don't know if there's one perfect person out there for me, but I know that for a long time, I've been ignoring my gut. Because I didn't wanna hurt anyone, but instead of saving their feelings, it's just made everyone around me miserable. For the first time, I'm gonna take Rigby's advice. (walks over to CJ) CJ, I need to tell you--

CJ: (stands up) Mordecai, just stop! I already know what you're gonna say, so save it.

Mordecai: I--

CJ: (tears welling) You don't know who your soul mate is?

(Mordecai is speechless.)

CJ (continues): (sighs) Here. (She hands him the charm bracelet from "Real Date") You didn't even point in my direction.

(She runs from the altar crying)

Mordecai: CJ!

Muscle Man: (upset) Yo, Mordo, if you're finished hijacking my wedding, is it okay if we get married now?

Starla: The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can start up these fryers!

Mordecai: Oh, uh, sorry. (runs off)

Muscle Man: I do.

(He stomps on a glass wrapped in cloth, as per Jewish wedding tradition.)

(A montage begins with the wedding reception underway, with various meats (chicken, burgers, etc.) being dumped into several deep fryers. Then a shot of the attendees partying on the dance floor under the disco lights, including Rigby and Eileen. The newly-wedded Muscle couple are shown next, with Starla and Muscle Man twirling their bridal veil and jacket respectively above their heads, and Muscle Man throwing his jacket towards a group of men, where Benson catches it in mid-air and hollers excitedly as if he had caught the bride's bouquet. Then, Muscle Man grabs a turducken from a labelled cooler and dumps it in a fryer. The resulting deep fry creates a force so great, it blasts the turducken high at full speed to break through the Parkside Lux ceiling and land straight onto the roof of Benson's car, smashing it.)

Benson: (running towards his car) NO-HO-HO!!

(Rigby walks out from the main entrance holding two sodas, and glances at his left view. At a distance, Mordecai and CJ are talking to each other, then they hug, and after glancing at him one last time, she rides away on her bike. Mordecai waves her goodbye, and heads back in disappointment.)

Rigby: Hey, man. How'd it go?

Mordecai: CJ and I are gonna take a break for a while.

Rigby: Sorry, man.

(Hands Mordecai a soda as they sit down on the grass)

Rigby (continued): So, when I said, "Go with your gut", did you hear, "Completely lose your mind and try to dump your girlfriend at a wedding"? Cuz that seemed to be the option you went with.

Mordecai: I told you I'm no good at this stuff.

Rigby: Yeah, you're the worst.

Mordecai: Maybe I'm just not cut out for this romance junk.

Rigby: Definitely not.

Mordecai: (annoyed) Okay, I get it. You have a girlfriend, and I don't. Quit rubbing it in.

Rigby: Well, it'll be all right, man. Come on, let's get you some fried foods.

(He places a comforting hand on Mordecai's back as they head back inside the Parkside Lux. Benson is standing beside his wrecked car in total shock, and after a few beats, slams his head down on the hood in despair.)

End of "Dumped at the Altar"

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