Regular Show Wiki
Register
Advertisement
Regular Show Wiki
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
This page is the transcript for "Dumptown USA".

(Episode begins at Pops' house. Rigby and Eileen are playing a video game.)

Rigby: Okay. Whoever makes this jump gets to choose lunch.

Eileen: You're on!

(Rigby, who is Player 1, makes the perfect jump while Eileen fails.)

Rigby: (stands on couch) OOOOOOHHHH!! We're going to Wing Kingdom!

(Eileen sighs. Rigby sits down and the two go back to playing as Benson comes into the living room.)

Benson: Rigby, did you clean out the gutters yet?

Rigby: No way. That's a two-man job.

Benson: Well, where's Mordecai?

Rigby: I dunno. I haven't seen him.

Eileen: Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since CJ dumped him at Muscle Man's wedding.

Benson: Yeah, no one has. He hasn't come to work for two weeks now. I tried calling, but he won't pick up.

Rigby: What? No, here. I'll call him.

(Without looking, he grabs his phone from inside the couch and speed-dials Mordecai's number. He holds his phone to his ear. A vibration is heard, and Rigby hears it in the couch. He reaches in and finds Mordecai's phone, opens it, and sees 347 missed calls from Benson.)

Rigby: Huh, that's not like Mordecai.

Benson: (frustrated) I can't believe this! You don't even know where your best friend is!?

Rigby: Hey, I've been busy.

(He motions his head and eyes towards Eileen, signifying he's been going on dates with her.)

Benson: Look, I'm just as concerned about the well-being about my employees as any park manager, but I've got a business to run here. If you don't find Mordecai and bring him back to work by tomorrow, then I'm gonna have to fire him.

Rigby: (shocked) WHAT?! (stands on couch) WAIT! I can find him.

Benson: Well, for your sake, I hope so. Otherwise, you'll be cleaning the gutters solo from now on.

(Scene cuts to Mordecai and Rigby's bedroom, where it is completely littered with clothes, junk, and other personal belongings. The drawers and Mordecai's bed are left a total mess. Rigby piles through Mordecai's sock drawer in a frantic effort to find clues of his friend's disappearance.)

Rigby: Come on, Mordecai, gimme a clue here.

(His phone rings and vibrates. He takes it out and answers.)

Rigby (on phone): Hello?

(Eileen appears in split-screen.)

Eileen (on phone): Hey, I checked with Margaret, she hasn't seen or heard from Mordecai.

Rigby (on phone): Yeah, his parents don't know where he is either.

Eileen (on phone): And I don't think he'd be hanging with CJ anytime soon. Well, (She holds a flyer of Mordecai labeled "MISSING!" at the top.) guess I'll start putting these flyers around town. (Lifts up a stack of flyers.) Hopefully a hundred should be enough.

Rigby (on phone): Well, I'll keep riffling through his personal stuff that he doesn't like me touching. See ya.

(He hangs up, the split-screen ends.)

(Rigby grunts as he takes the mattress off of Mordecai's bed, revealing a card on top of the bed frame.)

Rigby: Huh?

(He notices it's a postcard, which reads, "Greetings From DUMPTOWN U.S.A.". He picks it up and reads from the back.)

Rigby (reading): "Dear Mordecai, stop wallowing in your lady woes and come have sodas..."

Sad Sax (voice-over): "...With other single bros! There's a place with hot sandy beaches and an All You Can Eat buffet. So pick up your sax and jam with the crew in Dumptown U.S.A.! Signed, Sad Sax."

Rigby: (annoyed) Aah! Sad Sax Guy? I should've known! And Dumptown U.S.A.? That sounds so lame! I bet nobody's even been to this place.

Benson (o.s.): I have.

(Rigby turns his head to see Benson standing at the door)

(Cut to Benson's office, as he explains about Dumptown USA)

Benson: Dumptown is a refuge for guys who have recently been dumped. A place where they can forget about their breakups and embrace their newfound singlehood.

Rigby: Wow. That's depressing.

Benson: (smiling) Oh, no! Dumptown is great!

(Flashback to Dumptown USA, where a teenage Benson is seen leaving Dumptown Deli for the first time holding grocery bags)

Benson (narrating): Throughout my life, whenever I got dumped, it was the perfect place to forget about all my ex-girlfriends.

Teenage Benson: (sighs happily) Ashley who?

(A slightly older Benson — probably in his college days — is playing volleyball with the other residents)

College Benson: Monica who? (passes the ball)

(Benson, sporting long, flowing hair and sunglasses, is jet skiing)

Long-haired Benson: Patricia who?

(A short-haired Benson is stuffing his face with food at the Dumptown buffet)

Short-haired Benson: (with his mouth full) Lisa who?

(Near the present day, Benson is eating wings on the beach near a bonfire, after his then break-up with Audrey as mentioned in "The Real Thomas".)

Benson: (drunk) WHOO-HOO! Audrey WHO?!?!

Benson: (flashback ends) Yep. Good times. So good that some people don't ever leave. And I don't blame them.

Rigby: Okay, well, how do I get there?

Benson: The only way you can get to Dumptown is to get dumped.

(Rigby looks worried, knowing what he has to do next…)

(Cut to Eileen's house, she and Rigby are sitting on her couch)

Eileen: So, let me get this straight. You...want me to dump you?

Rigby: Yes.

Eileen: As in break up, with me?

Rigby: Yes.

Eileen: So you can be magically transported to a beach full of losers so Mordecai doesn't lose his job?

Rigby: Yeah, that's right.

Eileen: No!

Rigby: Aw, come on! It's not for reals!

Eileen: (sighs) Fine. (half-heartedly) Rigby, it's not you, it's me. I think we should see other people. (pause) Nothing's happening.

Rigby: Well, put some more feeling into it. It's not called "Gentle Letdown, USA", I gotta get dumped.

Eileen: (sighs) Well, I guess you are pretty immature.

Rigby: Go on.

Eileen: You don't floss or brush your teeth at all.

Rigby: Keep going.

Eileen: (gradually raising her voice) You're irresponsible, lazy, you never try anything new!

Rigby: Now we're talking!

Eileen: (genuinely angry) I've been wanting to try that new Ethiopian place for weeks now, and you won't--

Rigby: (raises hands, nervously) Whoa! Okay, I think that's good.

Eileen: You know what? It's OVER!! GET OUT! Consider yourself dumped, loser!

(She throws a box of Rigby's belongings on the steps as he stands at the door)

Eileen (cont.): DON'T CALL ME! (slams door)

Rigby: (saddened) Did I just get dumped for reals?

(The Sad Sax theme plays while the camera zooms up to show Sad Sax laying on the roof.)

Sad Sax: (scoffs) Chicks, man.

Rigby: (upset) How long have you been up there?

Sad Sax: Brother, I saw the whole thing.

Rigby: It wasn't for reals!

Sad Sax: That's what they all say.

(He holds up a Dumptown U.S.A. postcard next to him.)

Sad Sax (cont.): Luckily, I have a consolation prize for you - a one-way ticket to a place to make the sad times go away.

(Drops the postcard and Rigby grabs it mid-air.)

Rigby: So, am I supposed to take a cab or...

(Sad Sax plays his saxophone as he flies in the air.)

Rigby: Huh?

(Rigby starts to float and follow Sad Sax. The two fly past the city and the ocean and reach Dumptown USA)

Sad Sax: There she is: Dumptown USA. You're gonna love it here, man.

Rigby: I'm not here for me! I'm here to find my friend Mordecai!

Sad Sax: (thinking) Mordecai? (remembers) Oh, yeah! I brought him here like two weeks ago.

Rigby: You know where I can find him?

Sad Sax: Well, he's probably on a food run. The new guy always gets the food. Try Dumptown Deli.

(The two land near the bridge at Dumptown USA)

Sad Sax: All right, man, this is you.

Rigby: What? You're not coming with me?

Sad Sax: Dumpees only, brother. I'll chill around here until you get back. (plays his saxophone and flies away)

Rigby: Ugh. I hate that song!

(Rigby walks into Dumptown USA. We see an image of the Dumptown Deli, then we cut to Rigby walking around the deli.)

Rigby: Ugh! Everybody's all gross and wearing bathrobes in public.

(Rigby walks up to Mordecai dressed in his bathrobe and sporting shoulder-long hair)

Rigby: Excuse me, sir, have you seen a tall guy by the name of (Mordecai turns around, showing his bearded face behind a pair of tropical sunglasses, à la Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski) Mordeca-- AIIIII!!!

Mordecai: Rigby! You made it! Got dumped too, huh? I knew Eileen couldn't take it much longer.

(Mordecai chuckles as he elbow bumps Rigby)

Rigby: Ugh. What? No! Our breakup wasn't for reals.

Mordecai: That's what they all say.

Rigby: It's true! I just came here to bring you back to work so you don't get fired!

Mordecai: Work? Pfft! Look around you, man. This place is a paradise.

(A guy picks up a milk carton and falls to the floor)

Mordecai: Also, now that you're the new guy, I don't have to pick up food anymore! OOOOOOOOOOO-- (coughs)

Rigby: (sternly) Maybe I'm not making myself clear here. If you don't get back to work by tomorrow, Benson's gonna fire you!

Deli Clerk: Order up! (rings bell)

(Mordecai grabs his food bag.)

Mordecai: Come on, dude. We got plenty of time to get back. First, you got to come check out the beach house.

(The duo leave Dumptown Deli.)

(Counterclockwise wipe to the beach house where Mordecai is residing. The duo enter through the front door.)

Mordecai: Wassup, roomies?

(Full shot of the living room, littered with trash and junk everywhere, and the houseguests — looking filthy, unkempt, and depressed themselves — all lounging on the main couch and mutter in greeting.)

Mordecai: (holds up bag) I brought you guys some French diiiiips!

(The houseguests exclaim excitedly at the mention of food, and Mordecai drops the deli bag on the coffee table in front of them. They quickly grab their sandwiches and start greedily devouring them.)

(At the kitchen, Mordecai is placing his deli bag in the refrigerator, knocking over a milk gallon and an open box of Chinese takeout. Rigby surveys the messy kitchen, with dirty dishes filling up the sink and table, and trash bags piling up as flies are buzzing.)

Rigby: (concerned) Dude, this is no way to live.

Mordecai: (holding an open box of Chunky O's and milk) It's the only way to live.

(He pops the cap off the milk, and pours it into the cereal box, as Rigby looks on in disgust. He eats straight out of the soggy box with a spoon. He then offers the box to Rigby.)

Mordecai: Eh? Eh?

Rigby: Nyah! (smacks away the box, spilling cereal and milk on the floor)

Mordecai: (sadly) Aw, dude. That was my brunch.

Rigby: (snapping) Nobody eats brunch at home! Only losers do!

Mordecai: Come on, man. Don't be like that. Hey, I know what you need: a grand tour of Dumptown. Come on. There's plenty of fun things to do. (leaves the kitchen)

Rigby: Aren't you gonna clean that up?

Mordecai: Nah, Jeffrey's got it.

(A sickly dog, Jeffery, is seen wheezing at a corner near the spilled cereal box and his food bowls)

Mordecai: Now chop-chop. Dumptown awaits!

(A montage begins of M&R touring around Dumptown, first with the duo on the beach playing volleyball against two other dudes. Rigby serves the ball, which hits a green-shirted guy on the head, felling his red-and-white cap and knocking him out with little effort. Rigby looks on with concern, but Mordecai gives him a thumbs-up. Then the two ride along the hotel's lazy river, with Rigby looking miserable while Mordecai is spinning around in his pool tube giving two thumbs-up. Cut to a shuffleboarding field where Rigby makes the first move, but his partner next to him stumbles and trips face-first when he pushes his cue too hard, causing the disc to veer off the court. Again, Mordecai gives a thumbs-up while an observer applauds this lazy display. At the beach, Rigby is searching for buried items on his metal detector, and grows excited when he hears something. He digs into the sand, and soon becomes disappointed when all he digs up are a pair of broken sunglasses. Mordecai immediately takes those ruined shades and replaces his own, revealing his half-shut, lifeless eyes behind the broken tinted glass in contrast to his false smile and another thumbs-up. Later, the duo dine at the Table for One Buffet, where Mordecai is filling his tray with all manner of junk food he can get his wings on, while Rigby — with a tray of healthy salad and a drink — glares at him in disapproval. They take their seat across separate tables, where the camera zooms out to show several guys dining alone — hence "Table for One" — where Mordecai once more gives Rigby a thumbs-up.)

(Cut to the beach house)

Mordecai (o.s.): Band practice!

(In the living room, Mordecai and his housemates are playing saxophones very off-key. Rigby is sitting mortified listening to this awful session, he looks ready to lose it.)

Mordecai: Here, dude! (offers his sax to Rigby) Give it a whirl!

Rigby: (pushes sax away) NO! I've had it with this place! (stands up on couch) Come on, Mordecai, we're going back to the park right now.

Mordecai: Yeah, yeah. I'll go, I'll go. All right, guys, one more time! (inhales deeply, but Rigby smacks the sax off his hands before he can play again)

Rigby: (snapping) You're being ridiculous! All of this because CJ dumped you?

Mordecai: (playing dumb) CJ who?

Rigby: ...You've changed, man. I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore.

Mordecai: Nah, man, you don't understand. This place is good for me! It's given me a chance to rethink my life, you know?

Rigby: Look, I know things have been hard for you, but CJ is just one girl, man. There's so many more out there. But you're not gonna meet them if you're trapped in this place forever.

Mordecai: Look, I don't see what the big deal is. I've only been here a couple of days.

Rigby: (utter disbelief) "A couple of days"?! Dude, you've been here for two weeks!

Mordecai: Wait, what? No way! That can't be right, I just got here. Right, guys?

House residents: (all muttering in agreement) Yeah, man, you just got here… 1994… September or... Stacy who?

Rigby: See, dude? Everyone is so out of it because there's no concept of time here. You're wasting your life away! Look at yourself!

(Lifts up saxophone so Mordecai can see himself in the reflection, causing him to exclaim in alarm over the disheveled mess he's become. He looks around the house, his sickly, depressed housemates, and Jeffery, who is still wheezing in the kitchen. It all finally dawns on him now.)

Mordecai: (gasps, out of denial) You're right, dude. I don't wanna wind up here forever. Let's go!

(They jump over the couch and rush out of the beach house)

Red-headed bum: Hey! Mordecai and his little buddy "Ricky" took off! Let's get 'em!

(M&R run down the main road, and turn their heads to see the angry housemates chasing after them.)

Red-headed bum: You can't leave Dumptown!

Grey-haired bum: Yeah! Who's gonna pick up the food for us?!

(M&R jump over a Dumptown resident who's picking something off the road, whom the angry mob bump into and fall over from the collision.)

Mordecai: (panicking) How do we get out of here?

Rigby: (pants, points ahead) The drawbridge!

(Zooms out to show the duo heading towards the drawbridge, which starts to open and rise.)

Mordecai: We're not gonna make it!

Rigby: Look!

(He points towards the Lazy Wheelz Hut, which sells rental motor scooters for sale. M&R quickly steal one with an attached sidecar, which wakes the owner from his nap as they bolt.)

Lazy Wheelz Rental Owner: Hey, you need to sign the Lazy Wheelz rental agree-- Ah, whatever.

(The angry mob continue to chase after the duo, who are commandeering the rental scooter while wearing helmets. Mordecai sits in the sidecar as Rigby drives, as the former is looking back at the mob gaining fast.)

Mordecai: Dude! Can't this thing go any faster?!

Rigby: I'm trying! I'm trying!

(Rigby frantically presses a button on the controls to increase speed, to no avail.)

Red-headed bum: There they go!

(Zoom out to see M&R and the angry mob heading towards the rising drawbridge. Camera pans right to see Sad Sax at the island entrance playing his saxophone.)

Rigby (o.s.): (gasps) Sad Sax!

(The drawbridge continues to rise…)

Mordecai: We're not gonna make it!

(The scooter's battery level is shown at three-quarters full, as Rigby gets an idea…)

Rigby: Hmm! Hmm! Time to lose these losers.

(He presses the battery meter, and they take off at rocket-speed. The angry mob stops running and moan in failure. M&R scale high up the ramp…)

Rigby: Hold on!

(They scream as they jump the gap and descend, landing safely on the island. The scooter careens back and forth and the two fall forward with a hard thud.)

Sad Sax: (floating) Wow. I don't think I've seen anyone leave Dumptown like that. Most guys stay for years. Or never come back at all.

Mordecai: (chuckles) Well, I'm ready to go home.

Sad Sax: You got it, brother.

(He plays his saxophone, and M&R float in the air as they are transported back to the city at lightspeed. Cut to the Park, where the duo lands face-first on the grass near Pops' house. They groan in pain.)

Rigby: (raises head) Welcome back to the real world, dude.

Mordecai: (raises head) I guess. I admit Dumptown was a pretty lame place. But things were definitely a lot simpler there.

Rigby: You want simple? Take a break from dating, man. Forget about the chicks and just focus on what's best for Mordecai.

Mordecai: (smiles) Yeah. You're right.

Benson: (walks up) Well, well. Look who decided to finally show up. Go take a shower, burn that bathrobe, (turns red) and get back to work, or you're FIRED!!! (turns normal, greets Sad Sax) Oh. Hey, Sad Sax. (walks away)

Sad Sax: (waving) What's up, Benson?

(Rigby's cell phone vibrates, he picks it up and beeps to answer)

Rigby (on phone): Eileen? It's me. Am I still dumped? (short pause) Aah! Ethiopian food? It wasn't for reals!

End of "Dumptown USA"

Advertisement