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Fool Me Twice/Transcript

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(In the living room)

Mordecai (calling to Rigby): Dude, hurry! It's back! It's back!

Rigby (enters the living room with snacks in his arms): Aah-ha-ha!

(On TV, a cute purple octupus appears with yellow Japanese words around it; after fooling around once, it gets scolded by a wagging finger; after fooling around twice, it gets punched in the face.)

TV Announcer: We now return to... "Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice, I Punch Your Face!"

(Cut to a clapping Japanese audience in a TV studio. A robot who looks like ASIMO, with a green computer screen for a face, appears onscreen holding a microphone.)

Announcerbot: Hai! (Japanese for "yes") I am Announcerbot!

(In the living room, Rigby joins Mordecai on the couch.)

Mordecai: Whoo! Yeah!

Announcerbot: And now here's Shinehara!

Shinehara: Thank you, Announcerbot. I am gamemaster Mitsuru Shinehara. ("MITS!" appears by Shinehara's head) Before break, Clive from U.K. fool me once...

Audience: SHAME... ON... YOU! (words 'SHAME ON YOU!' show up on the screen when simultaneously spoken)

(Benson enters the living room.)

Mordecai and Rigby: WH-O-O-O-OA!

Benson: What is this?

Mordecai: Japanese game show.

(A gong sounds. The same octopus appears, wearing a headband with a rising sun and holding a sign with a number 2 on it.)

Announcerbot: ROUND 2!

Shinehara: Now, Clive, try to fool me again.

Clive: Well, I'd like to, Shinehara-san, but you've got some food stuck between your teeth.

Shinehara: Oh! Announcerbot, please, fetch toothpick.

Clive: Ha ha! Fooled you, mate!

(Sirens sound and red alarm lights appear around Clive. The Japanese word for "terrific" (すごい! - sugoi!) appears on screen.)

Clive: Yeeah!

Shinehara: You! Fool! Me! Twice!

Voice: Baka Blitz! (Shown is a graphic of "BAKA BLITZ" to the right of Japanese characters ばか (baka) in parentheses, all in a yellow "shout bubble".)

Mordecai: Dude, he's a goner. Nobody's ever completed the "Baka Blitz."

(The walls of the TV studio set open up to reveal the Baka Blitz obstacle course, with a goal at the end.)

Shinehara: You have 10 minutes to reach goal and grab Mystery Prize. But if time runs out or you give up, I punch your face. (Shinehara makes a punching gesture, almost punching Clive's face.)

Rigby: What do you think the Mystery Prize is? I heard it's a bajillion yen, which is like a majillion dollars!

Mordecai: I heard it's an 800-pound tuna. You could buy a house with that in Japan.

Benson: You know what I heard? This show is GARBAGE!

Shinehara: Clive, ready?

(Clive gets into position. A woman dressed as a cat fires a starting pistol.)

Announcerbot: Go!

(Clive starts running through the obstacle course.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Go! Go! Go! C'mon! Yeah!

(Clive jumps on giant sushi, but then he gets hit by a tuna fish.)

Clive: Aah! Oof!

(He then gets hit by a wall full of punching gloves and falls in a tub of wasabi.)

Clive: My eyes! No more! (He waves a white flag to surrender. Shinehara appears and punches Clive in the face. The octopus with the rising sun headband appears on screen knocked out.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Ha ha ha! Hahahahaha!

Benson: (sighs) Why are you guys into this stuff?

(Mordecai and Rigby groan)

Rigby: 'Cause it's funny. You're a wet blanket, man.

Benson: No, I'm not!

(All three turn to watch the TV.)

Annoncerbot: Attention, U.S. viewers. (On TV, an octopus holds an American flag and does a salute.) For the first time ever, we are looking for American contestants. (Announcerbot appears with a mystery phone number flashing above him.) During broadcast tomorrow, we will flash phone number. (In front of Mount Rushmore, a man wearing a T-shirt that reads "AMERICAN FOOTBALL" picks up a phone and dials a number.) Be first to call and you'll be on show! (to the American man) You just won! 

(A gong sounds; in an instant, the man is in Japan, with a pagoda and cherry blossoms around him.)

Man: Whoa! I'm in Japan!

Announcerbot (reads words that appear on screen): Land line only.

Rigby: I know what we're doing at 4:30 tomorrow.

Benson: Not on the park phones you're not.

Mordecai: But it says land lines only!

Benson: That's a long-distance call.

Rigby: We could win the Mystery Prize.

(Benson doesn't respond; he walks away.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Hm-hm!

(Timecard: "THE NEXT DAY")

Rigby (offscreen): Go!

(Mordecai dials a phone number on the telephone as fast as he could.)

(The TV is next to Mordecai, Rigby, and the telephone, and not in its proper place.)

Rigby (checks his stopwatch): 2.2 seconds.

Mordecai (hangs up the phone): Still needs work.

(Benson enters, clearing his throat.)

Mordecai (dials another phone number): Hey, Benson. How's it going?

Rigby: What's up, man?

Benson: What did I tell you about using the park phone?!

Mordecai: Ugh! I feel something kind of damp.

Rigby: Yeah, I feel it, too. What do you think it is?

Mordecai: I don't know. Feels kind of like a wet blanket.

Benson: Very funny. Now hang it up and put the TV back in the living room!

Mordecai: Aw, come on, Benson!

Rigby: We really think we can do this.

Benson: I don't care. If I catch you trying this again, YOU'RE FIRED! (He storms out.)

Mordecai: Ma-a-an...

Rigby: This blows. I can't think of a single reason to keep on living if we can't be on this show.

Mordecai: Wait!

Rigby: What?

Mordecai: I have a plan, (zoom in on his face) and it is the single most perfect plan in the history of plans.

(Cut to Benson getting a sandwich from the fridge and eating it. Then he looks at the clock and sees that it's almost 4:30.)

Rigby (his head floats by in a flashback): I know what we're doing at 4:30 tomorrow.

(Then Benson opens the living room door and sees that the guys are not there; he closes the door, then he notices something and opens the door again and realizes that the TV is a cardboard box.)

Benson: Argggh! (He picks up the phone and hears Mordecai and Rigby on the line.)

Rigby: (on phone) Do you think he fell for it?

(The telephone line leads from the house to the shed, where Mordecai and Rigby are.)

Mordecai: (on phone) Of course, dude. I went to art school.

(In the shed, Mordecai and Rigby sit in front of the real TV.)

Rigby: You didn't graduate.

Mordecai: Quiet!

Benson: (banging the shed door) Open this door right now!

(Mordecai and Rigby gasp, turning their attention to the TV, where the show is about to start.)

Shinehara (seen on TV in front of the studio audience, heard between door knocks): Welcome to "Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice, I Punch Your Face."

Rigby: Just show the number!

Benson (still knocking): You two better not call that number!

Mordecai and Rigby: Come on!

Benson: Hang up that phone NOW!

Announcerbot (on TV, with the phone number flashing above him): The number is... (the screen reads, "1-888-555-0123")

Rigby: Dude, dial!

Mordecai: I'm dialing!

(Benson finally gets the door open.)

Announcerbot: Hello!

(Mordecai and Rigby yelp at the sight of Benson.)

Announcerbot: We have a winner!

(Mordecai, Rigby and Benson are suddenly beamed through the phone. The three scream as they are beamed across telephone lines, through a field with cows, past the Port of USA in what looks like San Francisco, under the sea, into the Port of Japan and finally into the TV studio set, where they are beamed out via Announcerbot's phone. Mordecai, Rigby and Benson now wear sporty white jumpsuits with red trim. Four cameras close in on them.)

Shinehara (holds a microphone to Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson): What are your names, contestants? (We see the glare of Shinahara's face.)

Mordecai: Omigosh.

Rigby: Er...

Benson: What the--

Shinehara: Welcome, first American contestants Omigosh, Er, and What The!

(Applause.)

Benson: No, no, no, there's been a mistake, and we need to leave. Our names are Benson, Mordecai, and Rigby.

Shinehara: Oh, you fool me once!

Audience: SHAME... ON... YOU!

(Applause. An octopus appears on one of three sections of a screen on the contestants' podium.)

Benson: No! We weren't even trying to fool you!

Shinehara: But I thought you were.

(Sirens sound and red alarm lights appear around Benson. The Japanese word for "Amazing!" (すごい!, sugoi!) appears on screen.)

Benson: THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Shinehara (rapidly stamps his feet as Announcerbot raises his arms): Yooou foool meee twice!

(Another octopus appears on the contestants' podium.)

Shinehara: You know what that means!

(Loudspeakers appear near Mordecai, Rigby and Benson. Benson worries while Mordecai and Rigby chant.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Baka Blitz! Baka Blitz! Baka Blitz!

(More sirens sound. A red alarm light appears on top of the contestants' podium.)

Benson: STOP! STOP! I refuse to play!

Voice: Baka Blitz!

(The stage walls open up to reveal the same Baka Blitz obstacle course from before.)

Mordecai: Whoa!

Rigby: Awesome.

(Octopus-shaped props start spinning and shooting water. A purple ball rolls down slopes. Large pistons from above stomp on platforms.)

Shinehara: You have 10 minutes to get to goal.

(The goal is shown, with plumes of fire shooting from its corners; the Mystery Prize, a yellow box with red question marks, sits in the center.)

Shinehara: But if you give up before time ends, I punch your faces.

Mordecai and Rigby: Awesome!

Benson: Wait, what?

Mordecai (grabbing Shinehara's arm with the microphone): I just wanted to say, we're gonna make history tonight! We're gonna be the first ever to win the Mystery Prize!

(Applause. Mordecai and Rigby raise their arms.)

Rigby: Yee-ah! USA! USA!

Mordecai and Rigby: USA! USA! USA!

Rigby: Come on! Say "USA" with us, Benson.

Benson: Are you guys crazy?! You guys said nobody's ever beat it before!

Mordecai: Dude, we've watched it a million times. There's a good chance we'll win the Mystery Prize. (At this, Rigby nods his head.)

Benson: A chance?! What if we get punched in the face?!

Rigby: Benson, this is TV. Nobody really gets hurt.

(Applause. A gong sounds.)

Announcerbot (reads words on screen): Sincerity Spotlight!

Shinehara (walking under a spotlight): You know, we have lots of fun on show, and I may not show it, but, actually, (he makes a fist) I hate being fooled. So it has been great pleasure defending prize by punching liars in face. Let's watch.

(On a TV above the stage, a video montage called "Punching the Liars" starts; it shows Shinehara punching various contestants.)

(A Japanese reporter holds a microphone to a punched contestant.)

Reporter: How does it feel to be the only contestant who didn't die?

Contestant (speaks in Cockney accent): I can't feel me face, but at least I'm alive!

(Shinehara laughs manically in front of fire, then punches the camera glass to make it break. Applause as we zoom out from the TV onstage; Shinahara bows.)

Shinehara: Thank you, thank you.

(Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson look stunned as a single sweat tear drop slides on each of their faces, then pops. Announcerbot pushes the three of them over.)

Mordecai: Listen, I think we should—- Wait! Come on. Can't we forefeit?

(An angry face like a gorilla's appears on Announcerbot's screen, at which Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson scream. Announcerbot leaves them at the starting line and walks away. Applause continues.)

Shinehara: Ready?

(Mordecai and Rigby whimper.)

Mordecai: What are we gonna do?

(Benson looks determined now; he quickly takes several steps forward and takes his position.)

Rigby: Benson?

Benson: Come on, fellas. We got a game show to win.

(The same woman in the cat costume fires her starting pistol.)

Announcerbot: Go! (He now announces the various obstacles throughout the course; their names appear onscreen.) Danger Hop!

(Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson jump on rotating platforms set up over water, they jump over on one platform which spins over to to the next. Mordecai and Rigby try to jump over, but they get hit by the platform and fall into the water below. Benson jumps over and makes it to the solid platform on the other side.)

Benson: Come on! 

(Mordecai and Rigby climb up a ladder on the solid platform.)

Announcerbot: Bumper Ballz!

(The three contestants, along with a person dressed as Shinehara with a giant head, roll on purple balls with octopus faces against a grassy platform surrounded by water. Benson knocks over giant-Shinehara-head, who then charges toward Mordecai and Rigby and knocks them into the water, where they are then shocked by electric eels before they swim back to the surface. Shinehara and Announcerbot laugh.)

Shinehara: Do you give up?

Mordecai and Rigby (climbing out of the water): No!

Announcerbot: Sumo Slide!

(The contestants slide down over slippery mannequins of sumo wrestlers. Mordecai slips on his tummy. Rigby's nose gets whacked. All three slide up into the air.)

Announcerbot: Death Tube!

(The contestants glide through a giant tube filled with water. Mordecai and Rigby feel sick.)

Announcerbot: Ball Fall!

(The contestants are now sealed in giant balls; they roll down through a sloping Plinko-like course. Benson lands in his ball on a mattress, while Mordecai and Rigby fall and crack their ball.)

Announcerbot: Tennis Balls Blast!

(The contestants are now dressed as giant tennis rackets and race through a tennis-court-style course with tennis nets every several feet. Giant-Shinehara-head fires tennis balls at the contestants; the balls hit Mordecai and Rigby's faces. Benson hits a ball with the giant racket at the top of his head. The three go down stairs to the next obstacle. Shinehara watches as he grips his punching fist, which now beats like a heart.)

Announcerbot: Buttock Shock!

(The contestants ride motorized toilets through electric currents; Mordecai and Rigby get shocked by a current. As Benson gets off his toilet, Mordecai and Rigby are shocked again before falling off their toilet.)

Announcerbot: Rhino Giddy Up!

(The contestants are on the backs of rhinos; motorized punching gloves force the rhinos to move. Shinehara's punching fist now beats faster than ever and grows bigger, causing Shinehara to fall to the floor.)

Shinehara: Ugh! Worry not, my pet. No one has ever made it through The Gutinator.

(The contestants now approach the Gutinator. Metal sticks underneath the floor pop up and hit Mordecai and Rigby. After they get through a machine shooting tennis balls, a large purple metal stick with an octopus at its end swings down from above and hits Mordecai and Rigby.)

Benson: Hurry!

(Three pistons from underneath hurt Mordecai and Rigby even further. The two now look tired.)

Mordecai: We can't...

Benson: This is what you wanted, isn't it?

Mordecai: It looked so much easier on TV.

(He and Rigby are shot in the stomach by tennis balls.)

Mordecai: Ooohohohohh...!

Rigby: Make it stop!

(Another metal stick pops up from below and hits them once more.)

Mordecai: Ohh!

(He and Rigby fall to the floor.)

Rigby: I want to go home.

Benson (approaching Mordecai and Rigby and offering them a hand): Come on.

(Mordecai and Rigby take Benson's hands and get up. The three of them start running again.)

Announcerbot: Terror Taikos!

(Two minutes remain on the clock. Benson climbs up and points the way.)

Benson: The goal!

(Mordecai climbs up with Rigby on his back. They now face a walkway above lava leading to the goal, lined with taikos swinging from chains.)

Rigby (weakly): Uh oh.

(They all make their way through the swinging taikos before stopping on a circular platform to take a break. One minute thirty seconds on the clock.)

Benson: Don't have much time. Huh? (He notices Shinehara standing on a platform which appears from above. Shinehara jumps from the platform onto the Terror Taikos course, in front of the contestants.)

Shinehara: Hahahahaha! (He grunts at whatever he is hiding in his cape.) Ohh! Nobody's ever won, and nobody ever will!

Benson: Whoa, woah... (He points at Shinahara.) You can't shoot us!

Shinehara: Shoot? Hahahahahaha! (He reveals his punching fist from under his cape, which is now bigger than ever, still beating and also electrified. The audience gasps. Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson look suprised)

Rigby: Dude, what's up with your hand?!

Shinehara: It's gone too long without punching a face. (grunts and his hand grows huge)

Rigby: But you can't punch us! We haven't given up!

Shinehara: Too bad! It is my show! (He stretches his arm, attempting to punch Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson, who jump out of the fist's way. The fist destroys some of the taikos and stretches back. Shinehara makes another attempt at punching them.)

Benson: Run!

(The three flee, but Shinehara punches the path, thus bouncing them back.)

Shinehara: Any last words? (He holds up his punching fist. The trio look at the swinging taiko behind Shinehara.)

Benson: Look! It's Mt. Fuji!

Shinehara: Huh? (looks behind him. Mordecai and Rigby push him in the way of the taiko, knocking him off the platform. He begins to fall to his death.)

Benson: Run! Run! (the trio runs towards the goal)

Shinehara: No! You fooled me 3 times! No! No! NOOOOOOO! (Having been fooled thrice, his punching hand magically stretches back and punches him - a fitting taste of his own medicine - and he falls into the lava, thus causing an explosion which the contestants start to run away from.)

Announcerbot: The Americans are almost there! 

(The contestants keep running, dodging more swinging taikos. Announcerbot and the audience begin to count down from 10 in Japanese. After the coundown reaches 1, the same rising-sun-headband octopus appears, holding up a sign with a flashing red X. The three leap and yell as the explosion comes over them, almost making it to the goal before time is up. Smoke clears and a bell rings. Applause. The contestants get up and raise their arms in victory.)

Benson, Mordecai, and Rigby: (chanting in unison) USA! USA! USA!

Mystery Prize Box: (giggles) Excellent work. You have won the Mystery Prize. Your choice of... (It opens, flashing two items)

Announcerbot: A state-of-the-art clipboard with built-in clock and calculator, or... a trip to Space Camp!

(Mordecai and Rigby speak at the same time as Benson, each saying a diffferent prize.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Space Camp!

Benson: Clipboard!

Announcerbot: Congratulations! You are the first contestants to beat the Baka Blitz without being punched or dying. (sadly) This means I have failed. Gomen'nasai, Shinehara-senpai. (This is Japanese for "I'm sorry, Master Shinehara"; that being said, he self-destructs, exploding into pieces.)

(Cut back to the Park. The Park phone rings and Pops answers it.)

Pops: Hello? Ready to get picked up from space camp?

(Cut to what looks like the inside of a space shuttle, where Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson are in.)

Mordecai: Yeah, but--

Benson: I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!! (laughs)

(The three are actually inside a flight simulator at space camp.)

Mordecai: Please help us.

(The episode ends.)

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