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"Free Cake" Transcript

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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
This page is the transcript for "Free Cake".

[Rigby:' Oh man, oh man, oh man oh man! Mordecai, check it out! I found it in the trash in the back. Isn't it cool?

(Rigby brings a cracked plate decorated with a face and words SIMON KIPNER GODFATHER OF THE SOUL PATCH)

Mordecai: Dude, you gotta stop pulling stuff out of the trash. It's unnatural.

Rigby: You're unnatural! Besides, this is different. It's a treasure from the past.

Mordecai: It is a pretty sweet plate.

Rigby: We should put some food on this baby!

Mordecai: Hmm, Hmm. Agreed. You know what would look great on this plate? Chocolate cake!

Rigby: Ahhhhh, Yes! But how can we afford something as good as chocolate cake?

Mordecai: Don't worry, dude. I think I know where we can get one.

(Mordecai and Rigby are at the grocery store)

Mordecai (continued): Check it, dude. Cake mix. Add some water, slap it in the oven, pull that greasy pig out and BAM! You've got yourself a cake, baby.

Rigby: I can't wait to eat that greasy pig. Wait, how much does it cost?

Mordecai: (Looks at the box) A buck fifty.

Mordecai & Rigby: Aaaargh!

Rigby: I told you cake mix is too expensive.

(Mordecai and Rigby go to a wedding)

Doorman: Do you know the bride or the groom?

Mordecai and Rigby: Uuuhhh..

Mordecai: The one with the cake?

(The doorman shuts the door)

Mordecai and Rigby: Ugghhh!!

(Mordecai and Rigby go to the free store)

Cashier at the free store: Yeah, we don't have cakes.

(Mordecai and Rigby groan, scene cuts to the house)

Mordecai: (Sighs) Well, I'm all out of ideas.

Rigby: Ooh! I got it! There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!

Mordecai: Yeah. But Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.

Rigby: Who's to say it's not my birthday?

Mordecai: Who's to say it's not my birthday?

Mordecai & Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!

Benson: It's neither of your birthdays.

Rigby: Aw, man! He's killing us with that!

Mordecai & Rigby: (Sadly) No cake. No cake.

Pops: But it is Skips's birthday!

Mordecai & Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!

Benson: But he's really private about it.

Mordecai & Rigby: (Sadly) No cake. No cake.

Benson: Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever had a party for Skips.

Pops: If memory serves, Skips secludes himself in the woods every year on the day of his birth.

Mordecai: So, wait? You guys have never thrown a party for Skips?

Benson: No.

Mordecai: Dude, that sucks! Skips totally deserves a party!

Rigby: (Who interrupts) And cake!

Mordecai: Whenever something goes wrong, it’s Skips who fixes it. He’s always there for us, no matter what. I bet Skips wants a party, but he’s such a quiet guy he doesn’t know how to ask! We owe him a party!

Rigby: And also a cake!

Pops: Woo! Good show, jolly good show! Benson, a soiree for Skips, what a crackerjack idea!

Benson: You’re right. Fine! If you two get Skips on board, we’ll throw a party for him.

Mordecai: Oh, we know how to get him on board.

(We cut back to the house)

Mordecai (continued): Okay! How will we get him on board?

Rigby: Oh, I know! Let’s get a van!

(Mordecai and Rigby throw an unconscious Skips into a van)

Rigby (continued): Happy birthday, Skips! BAM! Free cake!

Mordecai: No, dude. That’s kidnapping.

Rigby: But we can’t just tell him. You heard Benson, Skips isn’t into this stuff.

Mordecai: I know, but dude, Skips is cool! We should just go and tell him we gonna throw him a party.

Rigby: Argh, lame!

Mordecai: What? What’s wrong with that?

Rigby: Two things: one --- no surprise and two --- no vans!

Mordecai: Ah, that’s it!

Rigby: What? Vans?

Mordecai: No! Surprise! Dude, we should throw Skips a surprise party!

Rigby: Dude, that’s perfect!

Mordecai: Yeah, I know. ‘Cause no one can say NO to a surprise party!

Rigby: ‘Cause they can’t!

Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!

Skips: No, I don’t wanna hang out with you, guys, at 8 o’clock tonight.

Mordecai: Well, then... How about later tonight?

Skips: No! I wanna be left alone!

Mordecai: Argh, man. What would we do now?

Rigby: Dude! Check it! We’d just lie to Benson and get a cake first, and figure out the Skips part later.

Mordecai: Hmm, hmm. Sounds like a cake of the idea to me.

Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!

Mordecai: Skips totally wants a birthday party.

Benson: Really? How did you convince him?

Mordecai: We told him there’s gonna be cake.

Rigby: Yeah, he wants an extra-large chocolate one!

Benson: Really?

Mordecai: Yeah. 8 o’clock. His place.

Rigby: But he wants it to be a surprise, so if you see him don’t say anything. (Mordecai punches Rigby.) Ow!

Benson: Okay. Here’s the key to the cake in a snack bar. I guess I’ll see you at 8. BUT IF YOU, MORONS, ARE LYING TO ME, YOU’LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!

Mordecai: We did it!

Rigby: Let’s eat it!

Mordecai: No! You heard Benson. Do you wanna be on dish duty?

Rigby: Arghhhhhhh, fine! We’ll do dish duty.

Mordecai: No, dude. We have to get Skips.

(Mordecai and Rigby walk through the woods. Rigby carries the cake.)

Rigby: Are you sure Skips is even here?

Mordecai: Pops said Skips secludes himself in the woods. Where else should we look? (Rigby’s stomach rumbles.) Don’t touch that cake.

Rigby: It’s a medical emergency!

Mordecai: You just ate a sandwich!

Rigby: Are you a doctor now? Did you go a medical school in a past 5 minutes?

Mordecai: We’re saving it for the party, and that’s THAT.

(Mordecai takes the cake from Rigby.)

(At Skips’ place.)

Benson: Do you see them?

Pops: Not yet!

Benson: Hit a light. It’s almost 8 p.m.

Muscle Man: Whooooo! Skips is gonna be so surprised when he comes and sees us totally naked!

Benson: It’s not that kind of party, Muscle Man!

Muscle Man: Ohhhh! Don’t turn on the lights!

(In the woods.)

Rigby: Ohhhh, man, it’s almost 8. We’re not gonna find him, let’s just eat it!

Mordecai: No. Benson’s gonna get pissed, so we shouldn’t. (In reruns, the line is changed to "Benson's gonna get ticked, so we shouldn't.")

Rigby: Benson’s gonna get like that no matter what. (Grabs the cake from Mordecai.) Better to have no regrets!

Mordecai: Dude! No! (Grabs the cake back. Rigby jumps on Mordecai trying to get the cake.) RIGBY! GET OFF! (Mordecai throws Rigby off and tries to run away with the cake, but Rigby gets him. They fight over the cake.) Dude! Quit it! You’re ruining the cake! (A mysterious sound is heard.) Wait! What’s that? Sounds like some kind of weird Aztec ritual... (Mordecai and Rigby stop fighting. While Mordecai was puzzling over the sound Rigby sneakily obtained the cake.) I think it’s coming from over there. We should go to check it out.

Rigby: That’s funny. Usually, if there’s a strange noise in the woods, you don’t check it out. Mordecai? (They see Skips jumping around a blue-colored bonfire with a big rattle.) What’s Skips doing?

Mordecai: I don’t know. But it looks kind of important. Maybe we should leave him alone.

Rigby: What about the cake?

Mordecai: Would you forget about the cake for a minute? Rigby!

(Rigby interrupts Skips.)

Rigby: You’re coming with us, Skips!

Skips: What are you doing!!!??? (The bonfire goes out.) Fools! You interrupted my spirit dance! You don’t realize what you’ve done!

(A white pickup lands near them.)

Gary: Skips! You have broken the pact with the Guardians of Youth!

Skips: Gary! You don’t have to do this!

Gary: Listen! I’m just doing my job.

(Both teleport into the pickup.)

Mordecai: Wait! Where are you taking him?

Gary: I’m only the chauffeur.

(The pickup leaves.)

Mordecai: Dude! I think we just screwed Skips!

Rigby: And ourselves! No Skips --- no cake!

Mordecai: Come on! We better follow him! (They jump into the trunk. The pickup arrives onto a sandy island in the space.) Dude! What the...

Rigby: Dude! What’s with the babies? We’ve got to get Skips back to the park.

Mordecai: Shh! Shut up!

Gary: Guardians of Eternal Youth! I have brought you the condemned!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: Skips! You have failed to complete the Spirit Dance! And thus the pact you made with us for eternal youth has been broken! Now you shall shrivel into dust and disappear! Forever!

(The Guardians of Eternal Youth blast Skips with energy beams. Skips turns very old and collapses to the ground.)

Mordecai and Rigby: SKIPS!!!!!

(Skips starts crumbling to dust.)

Mordecai: Wait! That’s not his fault!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: What’s done is done!

Mordecai: But it is our fault! We interrupted the dance before he could finish!

Rigby: Yeah, man! Let him finish that dance thing!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: The decision of the Guardians cannot be overturned!

(Skips continues crumbling to dust.)

Mordecai & Rigby: SKIPS!!!!!

Mordecai: We’re sorry, Skips!

Rigby: Yeah, we’re sorry!

Mordecai: We just wanna to throw you a surprise party!

Rigby: Yeah! It was going to be really cool. We were gonna eat cake...

Guardian of Eternal Youth: Cake?! Did someone say cake?

Rigby: No! There’s no cake!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: Wait, brothers! I smell cake! Do you smell it as well?

Guardian of Eternal Youth 2: I smell cake!

Guardian of Eternal Youth 3: As do I! Cake! Cake!

Mordecai: Wait! You guys like cake?

Guardians of Eternal Youth: Yes! Yes! We love it!

Mordecai: Give me the cake, dude!

Rigby: No way!

(Mordecai grabs the cake from Rigby.)

Mordecai: So, you’re telling me you like cake?

Guardian of Eternal Youth: The blue one has cake! Cake! Give us the cake!

Mordecai: Nah! The cake for Skips!

Rigby: Mordecai, what are you doing?!

Mordecai: Dude! Do you want Skips to die on his birthday?

(Skips is almost dead.)

Rigby: All right!

Mordecai: Do we have a deal?

(Guardians of Youth decide to debate a situation.)

Guardian of Eternal Youth: What flavor is it?

Mordecai: Chocolate!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: We have reached a new decision! We will restore Skips’ youth in exchange for your cake!

(Mordecai puts the cake on the ground.)

Mordecai: Now change him back!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: Done!

(Skips returns back to normal. Guardians of Youth start smearing themselves with the cake.)

Rigby: Aw, what! They are not even eating it! They’re just smushing it on their faces!

Guardian of Eternal Youth: Be gone with you!

(Mordecai, Rigby and Skips disappear and materialize at Skips’ place.)

Benson, Pops, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost: Surprise!

Pops: Let the merry making commence! (laughs)

Skips: You guys almost kill me for some cake?

Rigby: Hey, Skips! We’ve got you a birthday present! (Rigby gives Skips the plate he found in a trash.) It says: SKIPS --- GODFATHER OF SOUL!

Skips: No one’s ever thrown me a birthday party before. Thanks!

Benson: So, where’s the cake?

Mordecai: Ahh, cake?

Rigby: I don’t remember anything about cake.

Mordecai: Me neither.

Rigby: Must be a misunderstanding.

Mordecai: Oh! The cake from the snack bar!

Rigby: Did you wanna that cake for this party?

Mordecai: Ha-ha-ha! Oh, man! I mean what a mix-up, right?

Rigby: The important thing is we are all together.

Benson: Argh, I knew I couldn’t trust you, idiots! You’re lucky Pops brought a spare! Happy birthday, Skips!

Mordecai: Ha-ha! Yes! Finally! (Bites a piece of the cake.) Argh! Vanilla...


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