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"House Rules" Transcript

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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
This page is the transcript for "House Rules".

(Mordecai and Rigby are playing Karate Choppers. The swordsmen on the game both destroy enemies, as a popup appears on the screen)

Announcer: Double death combo!

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOAAAAA! Double death combo!

[Benson comes in, carrying a book]

Benson: Hey guys, listen. When you've got a minute, I need you to take a look at these.

[Mordecai grabs the book]

Mordecai: Sure, Benson. [sees front cover: it reads "Benson's House Rules"] Oh, the house rules. Thanks, but we already have these.

Benson: Uh, no you don't, cause I've added a few new ones in there, and I'm gonna need you to sign off on them, okay? [walks off]

Rigby: Aw, man, more rules? He's gotta be joking!

Mordecai: Alright, let's see. Rule #114: No feet on the table. [M&R's feet are on the table, then they take them off, moaning] Rule #115: No food on the table. [food is seen on the table, so they knock it all off]

Rigby: Fine!

Mordecai: Rule #116: No food on the floor.

Rigby: WHAT?! That's going WAY too far! [growls while straining himself to lift the table] Come on, man, help me flip the table!

Mordecai: No, dude, just chill out. There's only one more new rule left.

Rigby: What is it?

[Mordecai flips the page, then, a shocked look comes to his face as the camera zooms in. Cut into Benson's office]

Mordecai: No video games?!

Rigby: Are you nuts?!

Benson: [holding up rule] Rule #47: No yelling!

Rigby: You can't take video games away from us, man. What're we supposed to do?

Benson: Work. You're supposed to work.

Mordecai: You know what? We're sick of all your rules! No prank calls, no rock-paper-scissors, no punchies, no oversized novelty hats on worktime, no unicorns? What does that even mean?

Rigby: These rules are all totally random, Benson, and they're all aimed at us!

Benson: That's not true. #68: No harpsichord playing after 10 PM.

Rigby: I actually kind of like that one.

Mordecai: Yeah, but that's the only good one in there. The rest of them are terrible!

Benson: Look, I'm doing you a favor. Life without rules is chaos.

Mordecai: Fine. But we're only signing off on the rules we like.

Rigby: Yeah, like the harpsichord one!

Benson: It doesn't work that way! If you can't agree to live by all the house rules, then you can't live in this house!

Mordecai: Well then, we won't live in this house.

Rigby: Yeah, cause your rules are whack!

Mordecai: We'll show you. [zoom in] We're not gonna live with any rules at all.

[cut to outlet and plug, leading out of the house and into a tent. M&R are back to playing Karate Choppers]

Announcer: Double death combo!

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOAAAAA!

Mordecai: Heheh. Dude, we should have moved out a long time ago. I feel like I just got out of prison.

Rigby: That's 'cause Benson built a rule prison around us. But we busted out, and now we can do whatever we want!

Mordecai and Rigby: [rapping] Rules are for fools! Rules are for fools! Save your stupid rulin' for fools that need some schoolin'!

[the tent begins to get destroyed, and the impact of it breaks the TV and sends Mordecai and Rigby flying out of the tent. Muscle Man is revealed to be the one destroying the tent, and he falls through the tent, but continues to punch and scream]

Mordecai: Muscle Man, what are you doing?!

Muscle Man: My job, bro. Read it and weep, ladies. [holds up Rule #118: No overnight camping]

Mordecai and Rigby: Aw, what? Come on!

Muscle Man: While I sympathyze with your quest to live free of the man's rules, this guy's still gotta put food on the table.

Mordecai: Fine! But you didn't have to ruin our campsite!

Muscle Man: Yes I did.

[clock transition to Coffee Shop. It's closed, but Margaret is still inside as M&R walk up]

Mordecai: Yes! She's still here. [waves into building. Margaret notices] Hey!

Margaret: [opens door] Hi guys!

Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Margaret.

Margaret: Hey, is it true? Did you really move out of the house?

Rigby: Yeah, we did! 'cause Benson got all rulesy!

Mordecai: We had no choice. It was either leave or live with some other dude with rules.

Margaret: Wow, Mordecai! I didn't know you were such a rebel.

Mordecai: Yep. You know me. Total rebel. [they both laugh]

Margaret: Well, good night. [almost closes door, but Mordecai stops the action with his foot]

Mordecai: Actually, we don't have anywhere to sleep, so we were hoping you would let us camp out here tonight.

Margaret: I wish I could, but, my manager has a rule about that kind of thing. [pans over to guy in white shirt. He sticks a paper to the window that reads, "get lost campers"] Sorry, guys.

Mordecai: It's cool. I'm sure we can find some place to crash that isn't so big on rules. Later!

[M&R walk off, beginning a montage that starts off at Awesome Dynamite. The guy carrying a clipboard lets two couples in, but when M&R walk up, he stops them in their path, then turns his clipboard around to show "No losers." Next up is Al's Convienience Market. M&R roll their sleeping bags on the floor before Al walks up and points to a sign reading, "No hanging out." They pick up their sleeping bags and walk off. Finally, they stop at a bench and try to sleep before a shirtless man comes up to point at a tattoo reading "Günther," then he points to the bench, which is revealed to also read "Günther," then, he sticks up a baseball bat, also reading "Günther." Günther chases M&R before he stops at an alley, twirls his bat and walks off. M&R then pop their heads out from behind the garbage]

Mordecai: Dude, this is getting intense.

Rigby: [moans] No! More! RUUUUULES! [zoom out before an earthquake, followed by a gust, occurs, followed by a mysterious laugh]

No Rules Man: Did somebody say... [comes out from shadows] ...rules?

Rigby: Oh, great. Who are you, the alley rules guy?

No Rules Man: Who am I? I'm whoever I want to be. Wanna know why? 'cause I don't believe in rules that tell me otherwise.

Mordecai: Whoa.

Rigby: That's pretty cool.

No Rules Man: You better believe it's pretty cool. So what's your guys' story? You all free to do whatever you want?

Mordecai: We wish.

Rigby: Yeah, we have this lame boss Benson that tells us to-

No Rules Man: Boss? What's that?

Mordecai: It's a-

No Rules Man: (interrupts Mordecai's speech) Yeah, I know what a boss is. I was just making a point. Bosses are nothing but fools with rules.

Rigby: Oh yeah, rules for fools.

No Rules Man: That's right! It makes so much sense in rhymes.

Rigby: Whoa, that's crazy!

No Rules Man: You guys seem pretty cool, so I'll let you in on a little secret. [whispers] I know of a place where rules don't exist.

Rigby: No way! Are you serious?

No Rules Man: Shhhhhhhhhhhh. [signals M&R to follow him as he backs up to a box filled with garbage bags. He almost jumps in before...]

Mordecai: A box of trash? Are you joking?

No Rules Man: Do I look like I'm joking? [jumps in]

Mordecai: Uh, I don't know about this, dude.

Rigby: Well, I practically sleep in a pile of garbage at home anyways, so this isn't really that different for me.

[Rigby walks up to the box and jumps in. Mordecai follows, but he screams as he falls through the unexpectedly deep hole. He screams again as he reaches the bottom of the hole and falls to the earth. Rigby and the No Rules Man are playing a video game as Mordecai falls on the table, and sees a game of rock-paper-scissors in progress]

Mordecai: Sweet! [looks over and sees a punchie parade, and then notices Rigby and the No Rules Man are playing Karate Choppers]

Rigby and No Rules Man: WHOAAAAA! Double death combo!

Mordecai: Aw, you guys have Karate Choppers down here? [walks up to couch and sits, feet on the floor]

No Rules Man: Go ahead. Put your feet up.

Mordecai: Aw, yeah-yuh! [does so] Can I get next game?

No Rules Man: No need, bro. [controller appears right in Mordecai's hands. Mordecai, Rigby and the No Rules Man are now playing three-player mode]

Mordecai and Rigby: Three-player Karate Choppers! [pick up pizza and high-five eachother with the pizzas] Oh, yeah-yuh!

No Rules Man: Rockin'. [phone is ringing] Would you mind getting that?

[Mordecai picks up the phone. A prank caller is on the other end]

Mordecai: Hello?

Prank Caller: Loser says what!

Mordecai: Who is this?

Prank Caller: Loser says what!

Mordecai: I know what you're trying to do. I'm not going to say "what."

Prank Caller: [laughs] You're a loser! You loserhead! I hate you!

Mordecai: [hangs phone] Dude, I think someone just prank called us.

No Rules Man: Ah, yeah. It was probably Kevin. [points to phone booth. Kevin laughs hysterically before the phone booth blasts off like a rocket]

Rigby: Oh man, you guys can make prank calls down here?

No Rules Man: You still don't get it, don't you? Down here, you can do... [floats up to air] ...whatever you want.

Mordecai and Rigby: Whoaaaaaaaahhhhhh. [they, too, float up to the air]

Mordecai: Whoa-oa!

No Rules Man: Yeah man, no rules of gravity.

Rigby: Dude, in Benson's face! Living without rules is awesome!

Mordecai: Yeah it is!

[M&R laugh]

Mordecai and Rigby: No rules! No rules! No rules! No rules! [No Rules Man laughs]

No Rules Man: That's right, no rules at all. [points] Hey, look over there! [M&R look off in distance, then, the No Rules Man punches Mordecai]

Mordecai: What the heck, man?

Rigby: Dude! He just took your wallet! [No Rules Man has wallet]

Mordecai: Dude, give it back!

No Rules Man: Why? There's no rule that says I can't take other people's stuff.

Old Mordecai: He's right, dudes. [Mordecai & Rigby recoil in fear at seeing the Old Mordecai] Oh, man! I used to be so cool-looking! [pats Mordecai's hair] Wow, you're totally going to miss that. You know what else you're going to miss? [points to Rigby] That guy. Enjoy him while you got him, you know what I'm saying?

Rigby: What does that mean?

Old Mordecai: Oh, uh, nothing, dude.

Mordecai: Dude! How is this even happening?

No Rules Man: Because there's no rule that says it can't! From your future to your past, anyone can join the party.

[unicorns drive up from below]

Mordecai: Unicorns?!

Rigby: They're supposed to be dead!

Unicorn 1: Check it, bros! It's those two jerkbags that blew us up!

Mordecai: You gotta listen to us, man! These guys are seriously bad news! You gotta get rid of them!

No Rules Man: Did you just tell me what to do?! You just told me what to do! [to unicorns] Hey, they just told me what to do!

[shock comes to some punks, Kevin, and the unicorns]

Unicorn 1: They're telling WHO what do to?!

Unicorn 2: Oh, no way, bro! Get 'em!

[the unicorn's car drives up into the sky and runs the Mordecais and Rigby over, sending them to the ground. They get up as the car turns around to chase them, running the old Mordecai over. M&R duck for cover as the punk truck comes up. The punks give M&R punchies as Kevin's phonebooth comes zooming towards them, which they duck under before a giant RPS hand comes to try to crush M&R]

Rigby: Hey, you gotta get us outta here, man!

No Rules Man: This guy ain't gotta do jack, amigo! I can't believe how lame you guys turned out! I thought you were cool! [everyone else comes up]

Rigby: I hate to admit this, but I miss Benson and his stupid rules!

Mordecai: Wait! Yo! No Rules Guy! You do have at least one rule down here. You have a rule against rules.

No Rules Man: There's no rule against rules.

Mordecai: That's all I needed to hear. [raises hand to make rule book appear in midair]

Unicorns: Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! [as the unicorns dirve up, Mordecai flips through the book]

Mordecai: Rule #37: No unicorns! [unicorns explode into neon blue goo] Rule #72: No rock-paper-scissors! [giant hand explodes] No punchies! [the punchie-playing punks blow up off screen]

Rigby: And no prank calls! [Kevin explodes into neon blue goo before the phonebooth vanishes as well]

No Rules Man: Stop! Just stop it! You guys have no idea what-

Rigby: AAAAAGGGHHH! [tackles No Rules Man, then, Mordecai jumps in and pins him to the ground]

Mordecai: Show us the way out of here!

No Rules Man: There's no rule that says I have to!

Mordecai: There's also no rule that says I can't point this laser pointer in your only good eye! [prepares to do it]

No Rules Man: Okay, okay! I'll take you out!

[blacks out. Cut into Benson's office. He's writing something up as Mordecai drops the rule book on the table]

Mordecai: There. We signed off on all your rules, Benson.

Benson: Well, well, well. Wasn't so easy living without rules, was it? [opens book] Wait a minute. One of these rules is missing.

Rigby: Oh, no. Which one?

Benson: I don't know, there's over a hundred of these things!

Mordecai: Well, then, how do you know it's missing?

Benson: Because somebody RIPPED IT OUT!!

Mordecai: That's crazy. I wonder which one it is.

[cut to the No Rules World. The No Rules Man is playing Karate Choppers, all by himself]

No Rules Man: Hmph. Hmph. I don't need those guys, I can play video games all by myself. [The ripped page falls onto his lap. It is Rule #117: No Video Games] NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[the No Rules Man, as well as everything else explodes, leaving the No Rules World into nothing but a barren wasteland.]


Start a Discussion Discussions about House Rules/Transcript

  • House Rules/Transcript

    3 messages
    • Is that a new episode?
    • No, it's from Season 3, this episode. There are a lot of possibilities and interpretations for this line; I've checked...

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