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This page is the transcript for "Men in Uniform".


(Episode begins with Huge Head hiding in the bushes the park.)

Huge Head: You stole my name, Pops, and it won't be over until I get my revenge! (Chuckling evilly) (The camera pans over to the guys sitting down while Benson is seen messing with some sweets.)

Rigby: Hey Benson, what's with the fancy spread?

Benson: Mr. Maellard said he needed to give an announcement this morning. (Turns toward the others.) You know, you all could learn a thing or two about boss appreciation...

(Suddenly, Mr. Maellard's limo crashes through the sweets and Mr. Maellard steps out of his limo.)

Benson: (Sighs and facepalms) Mr. Maellard! How nice of you to visit us today.

Mr. Maellard: No time for bollocking Benson. Take a seat. (Benson does so) As you all aware: Park attendance has been declining for years. With no visitors, I'm basically just paying you boys to babysit Pops at this point. 

Pops: And they're doing a bang up job.

Mr. Maellard: With that in mind, I've decided to shut down the park.

[Everyone starts complaining.]

Mordecai: No visitors? Well, what about, uh, that guy?

[Everyone looks at Huge Head]

Huge Head: Wait, not yet!

Mr. Maellard: One ugly guy, plotting revenge on my son for the last four years isn't enough to keep the park open. You guys all had a good run, but I'm afraid you're all fired. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rig a yacht race.

[Mr. Maellard begins to walk back to his limo, it begins to drive away]

Benson: Wait! Mr. Maellard! Mr. Maellard!

[Limo stops as Benson holds onto the car door]

Mr. Maellard: Benson, get a hold of yourself.

Benson: Please, just give us one more shot. It's all I've got (groans)

Mr. Maellard: Uuuuugghh, oh geez. Look, it'll take a week for the paperwork to go through, but if you could get attendance up, I might reconsider. (Benson grins) But, I'm talking about real Park visitors, not a bunch of weirdos hiding out in the bushes.

Benson: Thank you Mr. Maellard! (Car window starts to close) Thank you so much!

Mr. Maellard: (annoyed) One week Benson. (Limo quickly drives away, causing Benson to lose his balance and falling on his back)

Benson: (Weakly) ...Thank you Mr. Maellard.

(Circle-wipe transitions to the house with Huge Head still hiding in the bushes)

Huge Head: Not yet! Ho, ho, ho!

(Cut to the guys in Benson's office with a turnstile)

Benson: Maellard sent us this turnstile to keep tabs on our attendance. Ideas for bringing in more visitors? Anyone?

(No one response)

Mordecai: (mumbling to himself and putting his hand over his shoulder) Paddle boats?

Benson: Mordecai, do you have something you'd like to share?

Mordecai: Oh, uh, I was just thinking that paddle boats are kind of lame, so maybe, if we could...

Rigby: Woah! Let me stop you right there, 'cause I see where you're going and I like it!

Mordecai and Rigby: Battle boats!

Rigby: Like bumper cars, but on the high seas.

Mordecai: Slap small tires on the sides, get people lances for jousting.

Skips: I don't think that's a good idea.

Benson: Hold on, Skips. Now, obviously battle boats is a terrible idea. We all agree on that. But we've got just one week to save the Park. So no idea, besides battle boats, is too stupid. Now, come on, let's get some visitors to the Park!

(Montage begins with Monday where Pops flies Carmenita with a banner that says "Visit the Park!" in the sky, Mordecai and Rigby are arrow sign holders holding up the signs that says "Park", and Benson and Skips setting up an air dancer that says "Park", but the tabber says "000", meaning they have no visitors. On Tuesday, Mordecai and Rigby are at the Snack Bar with Mordecai crossing out the "No" in the "No Refills" sign to make it say "Refills". On Wednesday, a ball pit is set up, and as a kid and his mom are walking towards the ball pit, Pops appeared out of the balls, scaring the kid and his mom and they ran away, and the tabber says they have 2 visitors. On Thursday, Mordecai places a sign that says "Concert Tonight!" on a stage and the guys as Mordecai and the Rigbys are performing on stage, but no one is here. Circle-wipe transitions to the house with Huge Head still hiding in the bushes as the montage ends.)

Benson: (offscreen) Well, this was a disaster.

(Cut to the guys back in Benson's office with a gird chart with the arrows that represents visitors are going down, meaning they got negative visitors)

Benson: (continue) Low turnout is one thing, but how did we get negative visitors? Guys, in 24 hours, Maellard's gonna shut the Park down! No more ideas at all?

Hi-Five Ghost: We could update our resumes.

Skips: Good idea. (He opens and looks at his scroll-like resume that says "Ye Old Skips' Resume, Park Worker, 1800 - NOW) Oy.

Benson: This is it.

Pops: (his eyes filling with tears in sadness) I'll miss you all (blows his nose with a tissue)

Benson: Aw, come on, guys. (sniffles) Let's have some fun at our last night, huh? Wing Kingdom? My treat?

(Cut to the guys in a gazeebo at East Pines eating chicken wings from Wing Kingdom and drinking sodas while they're chattering)

Benson: So, I'm all like "You don't get it, man."

Rigby: Oh, yeah, I remember that.

(Skips burps)

Benson: (shushing) Hey, hey! I wanna say something. Here's to the best crew I've ever worked with!

(Everyone cheers)

Benson: And you know what? I'm just gonna say it. Maellard is a jerk!

(Everyone, except Pops, cheers again)

Pops: He's my father, though.

Benson: And people are jerks, too. Why wouldn't you wanna come to our Park? I mean, look how pretty it is tonight.

Mordecai: You know what my favorite part of the Park is? (points to the left) That tree right there. Wait, that's not... Or... where was it, again?

Pops: Come to think of it, where are we?

Skips: Ah. I've worked here for years. I've never seen this part of the Park before.

(Gene and his two employees are behind the gazeebo)

Gene: That's because this isn't your park!

Taylor: Yeah! Remember stuff somewhere else. You're holding up the line for the gazeebo. (points behind a line of angry people waiting for the gazeebo)

Benson: How did we end up in East Pines?

Mordecai: (slaps his face) How many wings have we had?

Muscle Man: Quick, guys, let's trash the place! (He slaps a glass of soda off the table, jumps above the lights and attempts to destroy the poles, but fails) That's actually pretty solid.

Gene: Get 'em outta here!

(Taylor and the other East Pines employee escorts Benson out of East Pines)

Benson: Hey! Stop! Cut it out! (He attempts to unwrangle himself from the employees, but fails) Sweet threads. (Taylor and the other East Pines employee throws Benson out) What's the secret?! Why does East Pines gets visitors when we don't?! It's the uniforms, isn't it Gene?!

Gene: (sighs) Yeah, Benson, it's the uniforms.

(The guys laugh maniacally)

Benson: Ha! So you admit it!

(Gene and his two employees look at each other confused)

Gene: What are you talking about?

Benson: It's too late! We know your secret! Let's get outta here!

(He and the guys run back to the Park, then circle-wipe transitions back to the house, then cut to the guys in the computer room. The guys are mumbling)

Benson: Hey! Hey! Quiet! We only have 12 more hours to save the Park. Now... (He holds up and opens a can of soda) ...who's ready to stay up all night designing uniforms?

Guys: Uniforms! WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Montage begins with the guys selecting and deciding different designs and what to add to design their uniforms on the computer with a whispering voice saying different words from the YOUnique website until the scene fades to the next day where guys outside the house as the montage ends.)

Benson: Well, guys, this is it, our last day, so I don't know, rake some leaves or something.

(Huge Head is still behind the bushes, breathing heavily as the Zip Delivery truck arrives and the delivery guy drops 7 separate boxes on the ground and leaves)

Benson: Oh, great! Guys, the uniforms!

Guys: (running up to the boxes) Uniforms!

Benson: Huh. Maybe, it won't be our last day after all.

Skips: Where'd they put them all in separate boxes?

Hi-Five Ghost: (looks at a label on one of the boxes) Looks like there's some kind of warning.

(The label says "Caution: Contents of this package exceed ugly index and should not be combined with other items of similar rating. Avert eyes!")

Rigby: Blah, blah, blah! Do you wanna read a bunch of words, or do you wanna save the Park? (opens the lid of the box)

(The guys put on their uniforms, and the uniforms turned out to be ugly)

Pops: Oh, my. These didn't turn out well at all.

Rigby: I don't understand. They look so cool on the computer last night.

Muscle Man: (taking a picture of Rigby in his ugly uniform) Smile, bro! My friend, Scottie is gonna love this.

(Cut to Scottie typing on his computer at his place. His phone rings, he picks it up and sees the picture of Rigby in his ugly uniform) Heh. Classic. Mmm-hmm. (He shares the picture)

Muscle Man: Check it out! Your picture is going viral!

Rigby: Stop talking!

Mordecai: Woah, Benson, look! We've got visitors.

(A family arrives in their RV, come out and are taking pictures of the guys in their ugly uniforms)

Benson: Huh. Looks like the uniforms are already working.

Skips: Hey, there's more!

(A line of cars, buses and campers arrive at the Park as lots of people come out of their vehicles and take lots of pictures of the guys in their ugly uniforms)

Rigby: Woah, this is crazy!

Anonymous #1: Dude, whenever they're paying you to wear those ugly uniforms, it's not enough!

(They both laugh)

Anonymous #2: They're even more heinous than that internet picture!

Mordecai: Aw, what?! Muscle Man! These people are just here to make fun of our uniforms because of your dumb picture.

Muscle Man: Whatever. Any publicity is good publicity.

Anonymous #3: (he touches Muscle Man's shoulder) Hey! I wanna picture with double-wide!

Muscle Man: (shoves the man towards the crowd) Get off me, bro!

(The people start laughing at them as they're continuing to take pictures of them)

Benson: Alright, alright, let's all settle down. We're glad you're visiting the Park. (A dodgeball gets thrown at him) Who threw that?

(People continue to take pictures of them and making fun of them)

Rigby: Augh! No more pictures!

Skips: Now seems like a good time to leave.

Mordecai: Agreed.

(The guys start to run away)

Anonymous #4: They're getting away!

Anonymous #1: Hey! I'm not done making fun of 'em!

Anonymous #5: Get 'em!

(The people start to chase the guys)

Anonymous #6: Where are they going?!

Muscle Man: Hey, guys! The houndstooth copies was a great idea, but it's making it hard to run from this angry mob!

Mordecai: Ditch the uniforms?

Muscle Man: Bingo!

Benson: Okay, fine! But it's a colossal waste of money!

(They start to take off their ugly uniforms)

Anonymous #7: They're they are!

(The guys throw their ugly uniforms into the ground, combining, then the uniforms are glowing)

Mordecai: Uh, guys, what's going on?

Skips: Those clashing colors and styles are highly unstable! Run!

(They run behind a tree as the people run to the uniforms and the clashing colors is transformed into a black hole of ugliness and starts to suck the people in)

Skips: It's a black hole of ugliness! It only sucks in ugly things.

(A guy's shirt, a Sphynx cat and another man is sucked into the black hole)

Skips: Yeah, but we're safe. We're not ugly.

Muscle Man: (holding on to the tree) Oh, yeah, bros! We got nothing to worry about!

Rigby: We have to find a way to plug up that hole!

Benson: Agreed. In the mean time, Muscle Man try to be more... attractive?

(Muscle Man nods, grabs a comb and brushes his hair. As the black hole continues to suck in the people, Huge Head comes out of the bushes and starts to sneak up on Pops. The guys go to shed and Benson opens the shed to find an opossum and it's babies inside it and hisses at them as the guys screamed, then the black hole sucks the opossum and it's babies in. As Huge Head continues to sneak up on Pops, the guys run towards the hole with shovels)

Benson: Fill it in!

(The guys tried to dig the dirt to plug up the black hole, but failed, then two hipsters and a male model appeared)

Hipster Female: Look at these dweebs.

Male Model: I'm a male model, and even I know you can't fill up a magic portal.

Hipster Male: Yeah, losers!

(The two hipsters and the male model get sucked into the black hole)

Skips: Guess they were ugly on the inside.

Muscle Man: Bros! Bros! I think I might be the right size and shape to plug up that hole! I'm too, you know, appearance-challenged for this world anyway, right?

(The guys mumble in disagreement, then the tree starts to break as the guys gasp shockingly)

Muscle Man: Stop trying to protect my feelings, bros! It's science! I'm gonna let go!

(The guys hesitate at Muscle Man's idea and start to run to Muscle Man to save him)

Skips: No!

(Huge Head runs behind Pops and grabs him by the neck)

Huge Head: Gotcha! I've waited a long time for this! Huh?

Muscle Man: Time to see what's on the other side. (He lets go of the tree and heads towards the black hole.)

Huge Head: (As he and Pops are pulled by the black hole) What is this?!

Pops: Who are you?!

Huge Head: You took my life away from me! Now I'm gonna return the favor! (Laughs evily) Huh?

(He and Pops see Muscle Man about to be sucked into the black hole, but bumps into Pops, making Huge Head let go of Pops and he is about to be sucked into the black hole. He is completely sucked into the hole as the scene cuts to black, then we cut to the turnstile getting 6981 visitors as people come into the Park. A fair is happening)

Mr. Maellard: (shaking hands with Benson) Well, I don't know how you did it. We have never had more visitors.

Pops: (excitedly) Oh, Papa, does that mean?

Mr. Maellard: That will be open for years to come, yes! This park is wonderful! (sips his tea) Oh, this tea is wonderful too.

Benson: Thanks for noticing the tea, sir.

Mr. Maellard: How did you all think of it?

Benson: Well, we just asked ourselves "what do we have that other parks don't?"

(Cut to Huge Head's head stuck in the black hole as Huge Head is seen by the people)

Huge Head: (chuckling) Finally! You've changed and I've deserved! I'm so happy! He he.

(Episode ends)

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