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New Year's Kiss/Transcript

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(The episode starts off with Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost and Thomas at the Coffee Shop)

Muscle Man: Hey, hear me out. All I'm saying is that it's hard to make a New Year's resolution when you're always bringing your "A" game.

Mordecai: Tch! Come on, you gotta have a resolution for new years.

Muscle Man: Hmm. I guess I can put in more time on my amazing muscles. I'll really get these kittens to purr next year.

Hi Five Ghost: I think I would like to learn a second language. What about you, Thomas?

Thomas: I'm going to try to help my mom more next year.

(Rigby blows raspberries in response)

Muscle Man: Not cool, bro. That resolution is legit.

Eileen: Here are your coffees, guys.

Rigby: Yo Eileen, you got a resolution?

Eileen: Well, I would like to work on my craft blog more, but I won't have time until we get a new waitress around here.

Man: (Off-screen) Can I get a refill?

Eileen: Later.

(Walks off)

Rigby: Ugh! Let's talk about real resolutions. This year is going to be the year of the Rigby. I'm keeping it all Rigby, all the time.

Mordecai: What does that even mean? Your'e just picking something vague so you can't fail at it.

Rigby: No; last year didn't have much Rigby, this year is going to be Rigby crazy!

Mordecai: I don't know, last year was pretty crazy.

Rigby: That's just cause Margaret dumped you.

Mordecai: Aw, dude! Come on!

Rigby: What? I'm just keeping it Rigby.

Muscle Man: So, you gonna turn around your lady luck this year?

Mordecai: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am. This year, no more waiting to wuss out. If I see a cute girl, I'll just talk to her.

(The gang cheers)

Muscle Man: So, when are we meeting up for the New Year's Eve party?

Thomas: What New Year's Eve party?

Rigby: It's one of those parties where you wear masks and stuff.

Mordecai: A Masquerade?

Rigby: Yeah, whatever. Like I said, you wear masks.

(A door opens up, which reveals a girl with snake hair and her friends. She manages to catch Mordecai's eye.)

Muscle Man: Yo, bro. She's pretty smoking.

Mordecai: Yeah. Uh, I mean what?

Rigby: You should go talk to her, man.

(The gang complains)

Muscle Man: Come on, dude. Come on.

Mordecai: Uh, I don't really think--.

Everyone: Come on, dude!

Rigby: Come on, dude. You got this. No problem.

Mordecai: Yeah. All right. I got this.

(Everyone cheers Mordecai on while he walks up to Tracy. Mordecai talks to her and her friends and they start laughing while the gang tries to hear the conversation.)

Rigby: What are they saying?

Muscle Man: I don't know, bro. Be quiet.

Thomas: She's smiling a lot.

Hi Five Ghost: Shh! Shh! He's coming back. How did it go?

Mordecai: (Sighs) I got her digits!

(The gang cheers)

Thomas: So, are you gonna call her?

Mordecai: Yeah. I think I'll ask her to the New Year's party tomorrow.

Muscle Man: Nice.

Rigby: Looks like we need a round of victory coffees! But first, I need to empty the tank.

(Rigby flushes the toilet and starts washing his hands when a hologram appears that looks just like Rigby)

Future Rigby: R-R-Rigby!

Rigby: Ahh!

Future Rigby: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill, dude. It's just me, I mean you. Look, I'm you from the future.

Rigby: What the--? Were you in the stall the whole time?!

Future Rigby: Gross! No! I got something to tell you. You have to help Mordecai. He's going to kiss a girl at New Years and you have to stop him.

Rigby: That sounds like the opposite of helping him. Are you really me from the future?

Future Rigby: Come on! You have to trust me!

Rigby: Oh, yeah? Prove it! If you're from the future, then what's my New Year's resolution?

Future Rigby: Year of the Rigby, baby!

Rigby: Whoa! You are me from the future!

Future Rigby: Yeah, I know.

Rigby: Okay, so what's the deal about this New Year's kiss again?

Future Rigby: Okay, so it's going to happen like this. Tomorrow at the New Year's mask party, Pops is going to open a bottle of sparkling apple juice too early, then Muscle Man is going to streak in a diaper, and then right after that, Mordecai is going to kiss a girl he shouldn't kiss. You gotta stop that kiss!

Rigby: Okay, but why?

Future Rigby: Sorry dude, future rules say I can't tell you. But--.

Future phone: Insert five credits to continue the hologramic call.

Future Rigby: Wait! Trust me! It's the only way he'll be happy!

(Future Rigby disappears)

Rigby: Uhhhhh...

(Back at the house, Rigby is having a nightmare about what his future self told him, which shows him running as a lot of clocks spin around until they hit midnight. He then falls onto the cork on the apple juice bottle as Pops is opening it up. It sends him flying, and he sees Muscle Man streaking as he passes by.)

Muscle Man: Happy New Year, bro! Whoo hoo!

(Then Mordecai shows up puckering up for a kiss. Rigby screams, then wakes up. He quickly grabs Tracy's phone number and flushes it down the toilet.)

(In the morning, Mordecai starts looking for Tracy's phone number)

Mordecai: Dude, have you seen that girl's phone number? I thought I put it on the nightstand, but I can't find it.

Rigby: Uh, what did it look like?

Mordecai: Like a bunch a numbers next to a girl's name.

Rigby: Oh, that phone number! Nope, haven't seen it.

(Mordecai looks at Rigby suspiciously)

Mordecai: Rigby, where's the number?

(He takes Rigby's magazine away)

Rigby: Look, you don't need to be mad, but I might have thown it away.

Mordecai: What?! What's wrong with you? Ugh!

Rigby: Hey, just calm down. My future self told me this is the right thing to do.

Mordecai: Oh, yeah; then where's this future self now?

Rigby: Uh, he had to go; he ran out of credits. Future credits.

Mordecai: Not cool, bro.

Rigby: Come on, we'll go to the party with a group like we planned. It'll be fun.

Mordecai: Alright. It's not like I'm going to see that number again, anyway.

(Mordecai's phone suddenly rings, and he answers)

Mordecai (continued): Hello? Oh, hey, Tracy. Yeah yeah, of course I remember you, from the coffee shop. No, no, I was totally gonna call you; I just didn't know if I had to wait like a day or two or two and a half. But, um, yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to, if you don't have plans, to go to this New Year's masquerade party tonight? With me, I mean. 

(Short pause, and Mordecai silently cheers as Rigby walks out of the room. Mordecai still continues to talk to Tracy.)

Mordecai (continued): Cool. So, should I pick you up?

(Rigby then goes downstairs and sees Muscle Man and High-Five Ghost)

Muscle Man: Yo, Rigby; check it out. I'm gonna prank in the New Year right. I'm making these tear-away tuxedo pants, so I can streak at midnight.

(He tears off the pants)

Muscle Man (continued): Fives, time.

Hi Five Ghost: Point forty-five seconds.

Muscle Man: Still not fast enough.

Rigby:  (Makes a disgusted face) You're streaking at the New Year's party? (Gasps) Oh, no!

(Runs off)

Muscle Man: Whatever. Not everyone understands performance art.

(Rigby goes to Skips's house)

Rigby: Skips! I have to stop Mordecai from kissing this girl at midnight.

Skips: Why?

Rigby: Cause my future self appeared to me in the bathroom, and he told me all this stuff that's going to happen, and now it is happening, and all I know is it's really important!

Skips: Hmm. Well, it sounds like the wheels of fate are already in motion, so... you're probably gonna fail.

Rigby: What?! So, what do I do?

Skips: Time traveling gets really complicated, and my advice is to not overthink it. See you at the party.

Rigby: Aghhhhhh!

(At the party, Rigby starts talking to Benson)

Rigby (continued): Benson, have you seen Mordecai?

Benson: Yeah, he came in a while ago with his date. She seems pretty nice, yeah.

Rigby: No! Ahhhh!

(He runs into the party trying to find Mordecai)

Rigby (continued): Mordecai? Pops! Have you seen Mordecai?

Pops: Oh, Rigby; how did you know it was me? (Laughs) Oh, before I forget, make sure you get your sparkling apple juice.

(Rigby gasps as he remembers that Pops was going to open an apple juice bottle at the party)

Rigby: Oh, no! 

(Runs off)

(Scene changes to Mordecai and Tracy)

Tracy: So, you work and live at the park.

Mordecai: Yeah; it's pretty cool. Uh, hey, do you know what this party reminds me of?

Tracy: Uh, what?

Mordecai: Well you know that video game where you're spying that four anemasie, and you have to fight all the zombies?

Tracy: I wasn't allowed to play video games as a kid.

Mordecai: What? You gotta be kidding me. (Laughs) So, what are you into?

Tracy: Texting, some social media.

Mordecai: I'm gonna get us some punch.

(Mordecai leaves while Rigby comes in)

Rigby: Mordecai!

(He hides behind a pole as Tracy is seen talking on the phone)

Tracy: (On the phone) Ugh! This date is the worst! I thought he was eccentric, but he's just weird. The good news is when Tommy finds out I'm with another guy, he'll be so jealous. We're totally getting back together.

Rigby: Aw, future me totally called it.

(Mordecai returns with a cup of punch)

Mordecai: Here's your punch.

Rigby: (Rigby knocks down the punch) Dude, no!

Mordecai: Ugh! Rigby; what are you doing?

Rigby: You can't kiss that girl! She said you were "electric" and weird, and she's just using you to get back with Tommy!

Mordecai: That's it!

(Grabs Rigby)

Rigby: She's the wrong girl! You have to listen to me!

Mordecai: No, dude; will you quit messing with me?! I think I have a chance at this!

Rigby: Aghhh! You can't do this! My future self told me this is important!

Mordecai: Oh, the future self you met in the bathroom? Right.

Rigby: No! (Grabs onto Mordecai's leg) Don't kiss her!

Mordecai: Get off of me!

(Mordecai shakes Rigby off of his leg, but Rigby tries to stop him. He finally ends up pushing Rigby into the bathroom.)

Rigby: No! Wait!

(Mordecai closes the bathroom door and shoves a chair under the knob so Rigby can't get out)

Mordecai: I hope you enjoy spending the year of the Rigby alone!

(Rigby randomly pounds on the door and his future self appears)

Future Rigby: R-R-Rigby!

Rigby: Dude, why are you always showing up in the bathroom?

Future Rigby: (Shrugs) I just get better reception. Anyway, what are you doing in here? You're running out of time.

Rigby: Me? What are you doing in here? I could've used you out there when I was trying to convince Mordecai. He wouldn't believe me, and now it's almost midnight!

Future Rigby: Alright, alright, here's something to help you.

(Future Rigby sends his past self a stopwatch)

Future Rigby (continued): This stopwatch will slow down time for about sixty seconds. It will buy you some time to stop the kiss.

Rigby: Great, but how am I supposed to get outta here in time to use it?

(His future self points up to an air vent)

DJ: Alright everybody, the ball is dropping on my watch, which means it's time to countdown for the New Year.

Rigby: (Rigby climbs up to the air vent) Uh, I guess I'll see you later?

Future Rigby: Not unless you screw up something royal.

(Future Rigby teleports away and Rigby gets inside the vent. He tries to find an exit while everyone is counting down to the New Year. Rigby finds the exit unsuspectingly and falls down. He then sees Mordecai and Tracy about to kiss and he uses the stopwatch, which slows down everything except for Rigby himself. Muscle Man is shown tearing up his clothes while in a diaper. Rigby starts running over to Moredcai and Tracy, but accidentally bumps into Pops, which makes him open his sparkling apple juice early. The juice gets on Benson and Skips, and the cork bounces and hits Muscle Man's eye, which makes him go on a rampage. Mordecai and Tracy are shown about to kiss once again.)

Rigby: Nooooooo! Huh?

(Rigby notices some people that Muscle Man knocked down are blocking his path and jumps on one of them and shoves "Mordecai" away from the kiss. The stopwatch breaks into pieces, and the time goes back to normal.)

DJ: Happy New Year!

(Everyone cheers and balloons fall down)

Rigby: Did I make it?

Tommy: (Wearing a mask that represents Mordecai's face) Get off me, punk!

Rigby: Huh?

Tracy: Oh, Tommy; are you alright?

Tommy: Tracy Hashtag, you're the best.

(Tracy and Tommy start kissing)

Rigby: Wait, what?

Mordecai: Hey.

Rigby: Mordecai!

Mordecai: So I figured out who Tommy was. You were right, dude. I should've listened to you. Sorry for locking you in the bathroom.

Rigby: So that means--? You didn't--? I did it! Whoo! Year of the Rigby!

Mordecai: (Bumps into a girl whose head represents a cloud) Oh, uh sorry.

CJ: No worries. Running to meet your date? I get it.

Mordecai: Actually, the date thing didn't plan out tonight.

CJ: Oh, I know how that goes.

(Mordecai and the girl laugh as they notice everyone kissing their dates)

CJ (continued): You know, while the clock isn't over yet, we can still make the best of this.

Mordecai: Huh?

(The girl kisses Mordecai. There is a short pause, and they kiss again.)

DJ: And let's greet the New Year with a fresh face. Everyone, take off your mask!

(Mordecai and the girl stop kissing to take off their masks. When the girl takes off her mask, Mordecai finds out that the girl is CJ; who he hasn't seen since "Yes Dude Yes")

(The both of each other both say each other's names)

Mordecai: CJ?

CJ: Mordecai?

Mordecai: Uh...?

Rigby: Aw, what?! So, does that mean--? Did I--? I gotta check the bathroom.

(Runs off)

Mordecai: CJ?

(Mordecai notices she's gone and we see her exiting the party. Mordecai sees her mask and picks it up, worrying about what's going to happen now. Then we see Muscle Man still streaking while being chased by cops.)

Muscle Man: Whooo! Happy New Year! Whoo hoo!

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