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Play Date/Transcript

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(Episode opens with Pops's House. Mordecai is brushing his teeth. Rigby is standing at the door.)

Rigby: Look, you know I couldn't be happier that you didn't back down from going on this date with CJ. I admire that. But tonight we had plans! Man plans! Man's!

Mordecai: (Turns to look at Rigby) I know, I know, but this is important. And I told you I was sorry.

Rigby: Yeah well sorry doesn't help me eat pizza and prank call Benson. 

Mordecai: But we do this every Saturday; I'm only missing it once.

Rigby: (Points at Mordecai) You know this is a two man job. 

Mordecai: (But Mordecai wasn't listening, and goes back to brushing his teeth) I'm not hanging out with you tonight, dude.

Rigby: Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! (He dramatically throws his arms up and spins out of the bathroom.)

(A clock transition reveals that it is later in the day. CJ is standing outside waiting for Mordecai. Mordecai opens the front door.)

CJ: Hey!

Mordecai: Hi, hey! So, um, I'm glad you could make it out tonight. (He gives CJ a hug.)

CJ: (Chuckles) Woah! You're a real move maker today.

Mordecai: Oh, uh... I mean... I thought...

CJ: Hey, hey, I'm just teasing! It's cool. You already got me on a date, there's no need to impress me.

Mordecai: (Blushes) Ha, yeah, it's cool. I'm cool.

CJ: Pfft. Alright, cool guy. What are we doing on this hot date?

Mordecai: Well, we could go eat at the new falafel fusion truck, or there's the tried-and-true Wing Kingdom, and then after that I was thinking we could (Begins to count off on his fingers) go catch a movie, or go to trivia night at the arcade, or take a chance on disco night down at that weird bingo hall.

CJ: Yeah, sounds good.

Mordecai: Uh... which one?

CJ: All of 'em. Let's just start at the beginning and see how far we get.

Mordecai: Okay.

(They begin to walk away when all of a sudden, a ghostly green light appears, along with a portal that has spirits flying out of it. A van drives out of the portal, revealing Death and his wife, who appears to be yelling at him about something. Death then appears to be trying to reason with her. The camera focuses back on Mordecai and CJ.)

CJ: Uh... (Points) that van just came out of thin air.

Mordecai: We should go.

(He tries to quickly walk off with CJ)

CJ: (Still pointing) Do you know them?

Mordecai: Nope.

Death: Hold it right there!

(A door is heard opening, and Death walks over to Mordecai and CJ before they can get away.)

Mordecai: (Nervously waves) Ha ha. Hey, Death. How's it going?

CJ: (Looks at Mordecai) Uh... Death?

Mordecai: (Motions to Death) CJ, this is Death. (Motions to CJ) Death, CJ.

Death: Charmed.

Mordecai: Well, it's been great running into you. (He tries to leave again.)

Death: Oh, we're not through yet. (He gestures over to his van) You're gonna babysit Thomas tonight.

(He uses magic to open one of the van's doors. Thomas is seen sitting in his baby seat with a grumpy expression on his face.)

Mordecai: Aw, man!

CJ: (Puts up her hands in defense) Um, actually, we were just about to head out ourselves.

Death: Well, you're in for a change of plans, missy, because (He points at Mordecai) this joker owes me a favor. 

Mordecai: (He quickly glances over at CJ before coming up with a plan) Hold on a second.

(He walks a few feet away and dials somebody's number. Rigby is heard answering the phone.)

Rigby: Yeah?

Mordecai: Dude, I need you to do me a huge favor and babysit Thomas tonight.

(The camera shows Rigby sitting on somebody's couch, sporting a rather confused expression.)

Rigby: Isn't he like, in college?

(The camera goes back to Mordecai again.)

Mordecai: Not that Thomas, Death's Thomas! Can you help me out?

(The camera switches back to Rigby.)

Rigby: Sorry to hear that, but I've got some important plans that I can't cancel on!

(Just then, Eileen walks over to him.)

Eileen: Sorry we have to watch it on my computer. (She sits down on the couch beside Rigby) I haven't had a T.V. since I moved out of my parents' place.

(The camera then switches back to Mordecai, who appears to be shocked.)

Mordecai: Are you at Eileen's?!

(Rigby suddenly shouts back at him over the phone.)

Rigby: VERY IMPORTANT!!

(Mordecai cringes and lowers the phone. He groans in annoyance and then proceeds to walks back over to CJ and Death.)

Mordecai: Sorry, CJ. Looks like I can't get out of this.

CJ: We don't have to give up on our date just because of Thomas. 

Mordecai: Really?

CJ: Yeah! I'll just help you babysit him. I'm sure we can still have a good time.

Mordecai: Okay. Let's do it!

(Death walks back over with Thomas in his arms.)

Death: Glad to hear it. We'll pick him up at eight. (He suddenly remembers something) Oh, a little heads up. (Whispers to Mordecai) Thomas is going through a little bit of a phase right now.

Mordecai: Wait, what?

Death: Ciao! 

(He walks back over to his van and drives away, disappearing through another portal.)

Thomas: So... we meet again.

CJ: Woah, he can talk?

Thomas: Obviously.

Mordecai: (He puts Thomas down on the ground) Yeah, he's actually three hundred years old.

CJ: Then why is he so shrimpy?

Thomas: (Gestures angrily at CJ) Who is this female?

Mordecai: (He points at Thomas) Her name's CJ, and you're messing with our date plans, so try to be nice, okay?

Thomas: Date?

 Mordecai:  Uh, yeah.

Thomas: And she's actually okay with being a girlfriend to someone like you?

Mordecai: (Blushes and rubs the back of his neck) Well, she's not really my girlfriend yet

(The camera pans over to CJ, who's blushing and smiling as well.)

Mordecai (continued): Uh, we're just on a date right now-

Thomas: (Interrupting) Gah! Such simple minds! You mortals have the most tedious rituals.

CJ: Hey, at least we're not three hundred and still wearing baby clothes.

Thomas: What?! How dare you.

(His eyes begin to flash a bright red color. This stops as soon as Mordecai addresses him, however.)

Mordecai: So, Thomas, what do you want to do?

Thomas: (Points at Mordecai) Take me to the playground!

CJ: Hey, not a bad idea. This could be pretty fun.

Thomas: (Angrily) Oh, we'll see about that.

(A clock transition shows little kids having fun on a playground. The camera pans over as a young boy goes down a slide and lands flat on his face in the sand below.)

Thomas: Where have you taken me?

CJ: It's a playground, dude.

Mordecai: Yeah, go run around or something.

Thomas: But where's the fire? The brimstone? The overall loss of hope?

(The camera shows a depressed man sitting on a park bench)

Mordecai: I don't know. That guy on the bench looks kind of sad.

Thomas: (Crosses his arms) Take me to the underworld playground.

(A stout, little kid walks over to Thomas. Thomas pushes him over, and the kid falls on his back, his arms and legs twitching.)

CJ: You haven't tried it out yet. Give it a chance!

Mordecai: Come on, I'll push you on the swings.

(They begin to walk towards the playground, the little boy's limbs still twitching in the background. Thomas complains loudly.)

Thomas: Daaaah! Gaaaaaaah!

(The camera shows Thomas getting pushed back and forth on a swing. He looks grumpier than before.)

Thomas: This is terrible! The swings in the underworld go much higher!

(Mordecai continues to push Thomas, despite this remark.)

Mordecai: Well, too bad.

(He turns when he hears music coming from an ice cream truck. The ice cream man is shown giving a little kid some ice cream.)

Mordecai (continued): (Whispers to CJ) Follow my lead.

CJ: (Giggles) Okay.

Mordecai: Alright. I'm gonna push you really high this time! (He pushes Thomas with all his might)

Thomas: Now that's a good swing! Keep this up and I'll... (He realizes Mordecai and CJ are gone) Wait. What the...?

(The camera switches over to Mordecai and CJ, who just received a cone of vanilla ice cream from the ice cream man. Mordecai holds the cone out to CJ.)

Mordecai: Wanna share?

CJ: Yeah, sure.

(They both go to hold onto the cone, causing their hands to touch. They smile at each other before being rudely interrupted by Thomas.)

Thomas: Fools! You can't leave me alone! You are here to do my bidding! Now take me to the underworld playground.

(Mordecai and CJ look at each other.)

Mordecai: We can't. Just play on this playground.

(All of a sudden, Thomas lets out a cry of frustration. His eyes begin to glow red again, causing the big ice cream cone decoy on top of the ice cream truck to explode. The ice cream man runs for cover. Mordecai yells in surprise as the ice cream cone he bought for him and CJ melts all over his hand.) 

Thomas: (Chanting) Underworld. Underworld!

Mordecai: (Who screams to be heard over Thomas) I'd take you but I don't even know how to get there!

(Thomas immediately stops throwing his tantrum and smiles.)

Thomas: I know how.

(A clock transition shows Mordecai, CJ, and Thomas being dropped off at Death's house via taxi. They are then shown in Death's garage as Thomas flicks on the light and presents something to Mordecai and CJ.)

Thomas (continued): This is how.

Mordecai: Dude, we can't all fit on that bike.

Thomas: Not that bike. (He points to another bike with a side car) That bike.

Mordecai: Great, but I still don't know how to ride a motorcycle.

CJ: (Turns to Mordecai) I have a motorcycle license.

Thomas: Then it's decided. The female you're trying to impress will drive us. How emasculating.

(CJ then proceeds to put on a biker jacket. Mordecai puts a helmet on Thomas's head, which makes him frown in protest. They are all then seen sitting on the motorcycle, Mordecai and Thomas in the side car and CJ on the motorcycle itself. She revs it up and begins to drive off.)

Mordecai: It's pretty cool you know how to ride a motorcycle.

CJ: Yeah, I did motorcross when I was younger.

Thomas: Enough! Take a left up ahead and go into seventh gear.

CJ: Seventh gear?

Thomas: DO IT!

CJ: Okay, okay.

(She puts the motorcycle into seventh gear. The green headlights come on, which ironically are in place of a skull's eye sockets. A portal appears in front of them, and CJ screams in terror. They are immediately transported to the underworld playground.) 

Mordecai: (Nonchalantly) You get used to it.

Thomas: Ah. (He takes his helmet off) At last!

(The camera shows a playground that is surrounded by fire. It then pans around to show three evil looking spring toy animals and a sandbox with an eel-like monster it. The eel-like monster proceeds to eat a crow.)

CJ: (Shudders) Ughhh. This playground doesn't look very safe.

Mordecai: (Points) You wanna go sit down on those swings? I don't think they'll incinerate us.

CJ: (Shrugs) Sure. (They walk over to a set of swings, which are composed of wood and bones for handles. Mordecai appears to be slightly disgusted. CJ doesn't really seem to mind, however, and sits down before Mordecai does.)

CJ: Wow. Look at him go.

Mordecai: Yeah. He's really in his element.

(The camera shows Thomas feeding the eel monster another crow.)

(The camera then switches back over to Mordecai and CJ. CJ starts to swing back and forth, while Mordecai sighs and awkwardly climbs up onto his swing, making CJ giggle.)

Mordecai: Hey, thanks for coming along and helping me. I don't know a lot of people who'd do that.

CJ: Well, it's no disco night at the bingo hall, but I'm having a lot of fun hanging out with you.

MordecaI: Really?

(He sits down on his swing, and CJ bumps into him playfully.)

CJ: Yeah, really.

(They both start to laugh. CJ grabs onto one of his swing's handles, pulling him closer.)

CJ (continued): You know, I think this date is going pretty good.

(She smiles at Mordecai, and he smiles back. They lean in to kiss each other, when suddenly, Thomas appears out of nowhere. Mordecai screams in surprise.)

Thomas: Push me!

Mordecai: Uh, yeah. (He gets out of his swing) Here you go.

Thomas: Don't patronize me. These are baby swings. I wish to go on the elder boy swings.

(A much scarier set of swings is shown, complete with skulls, spiky poles holding them up, and a cauldron of fire at the top.) 

Mordecai: (Gulps) Sure.

(He begins to walk away with Thomas.)

CJ: I'll meet you guys there. I gotta hit the restroom. (The camera zooms in on her serious expression) I'll scream if I need you.

Mordecai: Got it.

(Mordecai and Thomas continue to walk over to the elder boy swings, where a praying mantis lady is now pushing her child. Thomas chuckles at something, and Mordecai suddenly grows suspicious.)

Mordecai (continued): What's so funny?

Thomas: Hmmph. You and that female babysitter are never going to connect. 

Mordecai: What are you talking about?

Thomas: Oh, it's been so easy to get between you all day. What a pitiful romance. I've barely been able to keep a straight face.

Mordecai: What the... you've been trying to get between us?!

Thomas: Trying? (Laughs) It's been as effortless as it's been entertaining.

Mordecai: Ugh. You little jerk. (He points at Thomas) That's it, we're going home.

Thomas: Oh, we'll see about that.

(He begins to shout so that the praying mantis lady can hear him, as well as anyone else who might be on the playground.)

Thomas (continued): What? No! I will not ask this woman for her phone number! 

Mordecai: Huh?

(The praying mantis lady looks over at them)

Thomas: She's obviously married! I can't believe you're asking me to pick up women for you while your date is in the bathroom!

(The camera shows a Cerberus mother sitting on a bench, reading a book while her child plays with a toy truck. She looks up in disgust.)

Cerberus Mom: Did you hear that? How awful!

(The camera then shows a serpent, whose child is sitting beside him.)

Serpent Dad: Ugh. Who would do such a thing?

(CJ walks back over to Mordecai and Thomas, unaware of what is happening)

CJ: Hey guys, what's going on?

Mordecai: (Laughs nervously) Not much. We should probably get out of here.

(Before they can do that, however, a shadow looms over Mordecai.)

Anonymous: Hey, buddy!

(Mordecai turns around. The camera pans up to show a Minotaur, who is wearing a rather angry expression.)

Minotaur: You trying to pick up my wife? Well?

Mordecai: (Waves his hands frantically) No, no! I'm just the babysitter!

Minotaur: What kind of sicko uses a child to try to pick up a married woman?

(The praying mantis lady responds to him in some weird form of insect gibberish)

Mordecai: Look, it's not really like that. I'd never go after your wife, honest!

Minotaur: Oh? So now my wife isn't good enough? You think she's revolting just because she's pregnant with hundruplets?! 

(The Cerberus mom begins to walk over, growling menacingly.)

CJ: We need to get out of here!

(The Minotaur begins to roar as well. Mordecai grabs Thomas and takes CJ's hand.)

Mordecai: Come on!

(They leap onto one of the elder boy swings, swinging over a seemingly bottomless abyss that lies below. They land roughly and begin sliding on the ground. They quickly get up and run away as the playground monsters pursue them.)

CJ: We've got to get to the bike!

(One of the spring toys narrowly misses hitting CJ. The Minotaur is then shown throwing another one, which lands right in front of them and causes them to be blown back. Mordecai looks up worriedly as they hit the ground.)

Mordecai: CJ!

(CJ grabs her leg, which appears to be hurt from the fall. Mordecai quickly runs over to her with Thomas as the third and final spring toy is thrown at them. He helps her up, and they run over to the motorcycle. )

CJ: Wait! (Mordecai looks up as he puts Thomas in the side car) I can't drive! My ankle is messed up.

Mordecai: Uh, okay. Then get in the side car!

(She hops into the side car with Thomas. Thomas puts on a helmet and she does the same. Mordecai puts one on as well and gets on the motorcycle.)

Mordecai (continued): Tell me how to start it!

(The serpent father roars and throws a sharp boulder at them. They cover their faces as debris scatters everywhere.)

CJ: Uh... turn the key!

(He turns the key, the camera zooming in on him as he does so. The motorcycle immediately starts up.)

CJ (continued): On three, let the clutch out slowly. THREE!

(Despite CJ's warning, Mordecai quickly pulls out and almost drives right into a boulder. The playground monsters quickly chase after them in hot pursuit. Mordecai swerves and catches a glimpse of the monsters behind him.)

Mordecai: We're not going fast enough! 

CJ: Get out of first gear! 

(Mordecai tries to do what she says, but he only ends up stalling the motorcycle instead.)

Mordecai: Huh?

(They get yanked back towards the monsters.)

CJ: You stalled it! Turn it back on!

Mordecai: I thought you said this was easy.

CJ: (Puts a hand to her head) Ugh, I was just trying to look cool!

(Mordecai revs the motorcycle and smiles as it starts back up. He continues to drive forward as the monsters follow close behind.)

Thomas: Can't this thing go any faster? 

Mordecai: This is all your fault! You make it go faster!

CJ: I know a way to go faster. 

Mordecai: Really?

CJ: Yeah, we just need to get rid of some dead weight. 

(The monsters are seen behind them again.)

Thomas: Well then, hurry up!

CJ: My pleasure!

(She holds Thomas over the edge of the side car, acting like she's going to drop him.)

Thomas: What? No! (He frantically kicks his feet) Stop this at once!

CJ: Oh, yeah? Why should I? This whole time you've been trying to get between me and Mordecai. 

Thomas: No! No I... t-that doesn't sound like me!

Mordecai: Yeah, right. You told me so yourself!

CJ: I've been looking forward to this date for a long time, and I'm sick of you messing it up!

(Mordecai looks over in awe and smiles.)

CJ (continued): Well, out you go!

Thomas: No! Pull me in! (Flails his arms and legs) PULL ME IN! (He screams.)

(The force of his screams causes a miniature abyss to open up in front of the monsters. A boulder falls in, causing molten lava to splash up and cover the serpent. The Cerberus and praying mantis lady are caught off guard and ram right into a boulder. The Minotaur is the only one remaining. Mordecai manages to hop over a chasm and get himself, Thomas, and CJ to safety. The Minotaur snorts and tries to make the jump as well, but only manages to fall to his death in the chasm.)

Minotaur: (As he's falling) No! I'm the victim here! You're the one who hit on my wife! I was just playing with my kids! (He finally hits the bottom of the chasm.)

(The camera switches back to Mordecai, CJ, and Thomas. Thomas opens his eyes when he realizes that they are no longer in danger.)

Thomas: Huh?

CJ: We totally tricked Thomas into thinking we were gonna drop him!

(Mordecai and CJ do a trademark 'OOOOH!' and high five.)

CJ (continued): Let's get out of here.

(Mordecai shifts into seventh gear, and another portal appears in front of them.)

Thomas: (Whining) Being tricked is one of my least favorite things!

(He begins to throw a tantrum inside the portal, causing the motorcycle to spin and turn upside down. They exit the portal and Mordecai swerves, crashing through Death's garage door. They all land on the ground. Thomas groans and picks himself up, taking off his helmet in the process. He then begins to laugh.)

Thomas (continued): When I tell my daddy what you've done, he'll torture your souls for eternity! Good luck going on dates then! 

(He laughs and bangs on the wall, causing a bowling ball to roll down towards him.)

CJ: Uh....

Mordecai: (He silences CJ) Shhh.... Shh... Shhh... 

(The bowling ball fall and hits Thomas right on the head, knocking him out. All of a sudden, a door is heard opening, and Death walks in.)

Death: What the... 

(The camera shows Thomas on the ground, snoring softly. Mordecai and CJ quickly stand up.)

Death (continued): So, looks like you're two for two, Mordo. If you don't watch yourself, I'll have to enlist you as a full-time sitter. (Laughs)

Mordecai: (Nervously) Ha ha...

Death: (Pokes a finger in Mordecai's chest) Now get out of my garage!

(He walks away with Thomas and slams a door that leads to his house.)

CJ: Wait, you don't get paid?

Mordecai: Nah, he just lets us live.

CJ: Well, really I should thank you for that. I can't believe you learned how to ride a bike so fast; that was awesome!

Mordecai: Yeah, well, I was just trying to look cool.

CJ: (Playfully shoves him) Alright, alright, I can get wanting to impress your date.

Mordecai: So did it work?

CJ: He doesn't need to impress me, I already think he's cool.

Mordecai: Well, he thinks the same about her. You've really been looking forward to this for a long time?

CJ: Yeah.

(They share their first intentional kiss.)

Mordecai: Want a lift while we try to hail a cab?

CJ: Oh, please!

(Mordecai lets CJ hop onto his shoulders, and he carries her away while they share a good laugh.)

(End of Play Date)

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