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Portable Toilet/Transcript

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(Episode opens with Mordecai, Rigby, Eileen, and CJ having lunch in the park.)

Eileen: Alright, Rigby. Would you rather...comb your hair with a hot dog, or have feet for hands?

Rigby: Pfft! Feet for hands! Run twice as fast!

Mordecai: But how would you play video games?

Rigby: (Gets up in Mordecai's face) Feet for hands!

CJ: Your turn, Mordecai. Would you rather...live on a houseboat made of garbage, or eat a sandwich in a portable toilet?

Mordecai: Portable toilet.

CJ: You'd really do that?

Mordecai: (Scoffs) Over a garbage houseboat, obviously. It'd smell bad, and then the water would make it smell more, and then you just got a big pile of wet garbage.

CJ: So you're saying you would eat a sandwich in a portable toilet?

Mordecai: (Points at CJ) Yes.

CJ: Huh. (Pulls a wrapped sandwich out of her bag) Just so happens I got my sandwich right here. (Gasps and points) And what's that over there?

(Mordecai looks over his shoulder to see a portable toilet behind him)

Rigby: Ooh! (Slams his hand on the table) Time to put your sandwich where your mouth is!

Mordecai: You can't be serious.

CJ: What a coincidence, my sandwich is chicken, too.

(Rigby and Eileen shout out an amused 'Ooooh!' in behalf of CJ's playful banter. Mordecai seems to inwardly groan in disbelief as CJ slides her sandwich over to him.)

Eileen: She's got you there, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Are you daring me? (He puts up his hands) 'Cause if you're gonna dare me, just dare me.

CJ: (Shrugs) Alright, I dare you.

Mordecai: Oh, so we're just changing games now. Fine, then.

(He gets up from the table and begins to walk over to the portable toilet, CJ's sandwich in hand)

CJ: (Holds out her hand) Wait!

(Mordecai turns around)

CJ (continued): How will we know if you actually do it?

Eileen: (Who stands up from her spot at the table) Right, it's not a legitimate dare without a credible witness.

(Rigby quickly jumps up from his seat)

Rigby: Fine. I'll be the incredible witness! 

(He begins to walk away. Eileen sits back down, and CJ grabs a water bottle out of her bag.)

Eileen: (Turns to CJ) So.... were you planning that the whole time, or...

(CJ twists the cap off of her water bottle as Eileen says this)

CJ: Nah. It was more of an impulse.

(She takes a sip of her water. Meanwhile, Rigby is seen opening the door to the portable toilet, and he and Mordecai step inside. Rigby closes the door behind them and switches the sign from vacant to occupied.) 

Mordecai: (Looking around) Huh. I gotta say, this is pretty classy.

Rigby: I guess if I needed to go outside I'd do it here. So you're really going through with this?

(As Rigby continues speaking, Mordecai sits down on the toilet)

Rigby (continued): I can just vouch for you, ya know. It's no big deal.

Mordecai: (While eating the sandwich) I'm a man of my word. (Chewing) So, CJ and Eileen seem to be getting along.

Rigby: Yeah, I guess.

(He pulls himself up so that he can look out the window. He sees CJ and Eileen talking over at the picnic table and decides to make a mockery of their conversation.)

Rigby (continued): (In a lame impression of Eileen's voice) Boy, we have so much in common. Would you rather... awkwardly kiss Mordecai on New Year's Eve, or dare him to eat a sandwich in a portable toilet? Oh wow, both?!  (He turns around to see Mordecai has finished the sandwich. He immediately goes back to using his normal voice.) Oh, you're done. 

(Mordecai swallows the last of the sandwich)

Mordecai: Easy peasy no big deezy!

(He blows into the plastic bag that held CJ's sandwich and pops it. Rigby hops down from his spot at the window.)

Rigby: Great, let's get out of here.

(He goes to open the door when he realizes that the handle is stuck)

Rigby (continued): (Turns to Mordecai) It's stuck.

Mordecai: Dude, that's not funny.

Rigby: Why would I joke about this; you know how I am with small spaces!

(He begins to panic and furiously jiggles the door handle)

Mordecai: Come on, dude. Try and calm down.

(Rigby stops trying to open the door)

Rigby: (Puts a hand to his head) Okay, I'm trying. Caaaaaaalm.

Mordecai: Good. CJ and Eileen are right out there. They'll come and get us any minute.

(The camera shows Rigby with a blank expression on his face)

Mordecai (continued): Right? Uh.... Rigby?

(Mordecai waves his hand in front of Rigby's face)

Mordecai (continued): Rigby?!

(Rigby immediately begins to act hysterical)

Rigby: (Screaming) We're gonna starve before they find us! Why'd you eat the whole sandwich? You should've saved some just in case!!

Mordecai: Dude, that makes no sense!

Rigby: (Points at Mordecai) You makes no sense!

(He begins to screech and pound on the door violently, to which Mordecai just rolls his eyes)

Rigby (continued): Help! I'm trapped in here with a crazy person!

(The camera shows the portable toilet rocking back and forth as Rigby hits it, his screams audible to anyone nearby. Meanwhile, CJ and Eileen are engrossed in a deep conversation.)

Eileen: I think the character I love to hate the most is King Harry. He's such a pill.

(Both girls look up as they hear a loud noise)

CJ: Huh?

(Rigby continues to pound on the door violently, and the girls walk over to the portable toilet)

CJ: Hey guys! How's it going in there?

Mordecai: Well, things are going fine. The sandwich is done. But, uh, now it's kinda...

Rigby: The door is stuck. Get us out of here!

CJ: (Sarcastically) Oh, that's terrible.

(CJ and Eileen snicker)

CJ: Do you need some...oh, what is the word I'm looking for?

Eileen: It's on the tip of my tongue. Help?

CJ: Oh, yeah...help or something?

Rigby: Yes! Could you please help us?

CJ: I guess we could try.

(CJ attempts to open the door. She pulls on the door's handle, but it refuses to open.)

CJ: Oh. It really is stuck.

(Rigby begins to scream again)

Eileen: I knew I should've brought my keysmith multi-tool today. Never doubt your gut, Eileen.

Mordecai: There's some tools in the garage.

CJ: All right. Hold tight. Don't run out of oxygen in there!

(The girls laugh and begin to walk away)

Eileen: I get that you're joking, but actually, portable toilets are quite well-ventilated.

Mordecai: This thing is brand-new. How did the handle get stuck like... wha...oh!

(Mordecai pulls his hand back, revealing some kind of a brown sauce sticking to his fingers)

Mordecai (continuned): What is this stuff?

Rigby: That's meatball gravy.

Mordecai: How did meatball gravy get on the doorknob, Rigby?

Rigby: I was eating meatballs!

Mordecai: You're not supposed to eat meatballs with your hands, dude.

Rigby: Hands are nature's forks!

Mordecai: Try the window or something.

(Rigby jumps up to the window)

Rigby: I can't even get my fingers through the holes. They're like tiny prison bars.

Mordecai: All right. Option two: let's ram the door.

(Mordecai and Rigby ram the door, which leads to them knocking over the portable toilet that they're in. A flowerpot hits Mordecai on the head and knocks him out. )

(Muscle Man and High Five Ghost are walking in The Park)

Muscle Man: So, what are you doing tonight?

High Five Ghost: I got to house-sit my cousin's dog. What about you?

Muscle Man: That on-target 1.2 combination model's been singing my name all week.

High Five Ghost: Oh. They finally installed that new outhouse?

Muscle Man: Show some respect, bro. It's called a "portable toilet".

High Five Ghost: Okay. Well, that sounds like fun. Have a good weekend.

Muscle Man: Oh, I will, bro. I will. I'm yours now, baby.

(Muscle Man sees the portable toilet knocked over)

Muscle Man: What?! No! This is not okay.

(Muscle Man pulls out his cellphone and dials a number)

Muscle Man: Yeah. It's Muscle Man. We got a code sixty seven over here.

(A helicopter comes in and replaces the knocked down portable toilet with a new one)

Muscle Man: Make sure she gets a good home!

Helicopter Pilot: She will! Decommissioned units get sent to the military for target practice.

Muscle Man: That's so honorable!

(The helicopter flies off with the old portable toilet. Muscle Man now goes into the new portable toilet.)

(Later, Eileen and CJ show up at the portable toilet. Eileen pulls out a hammer from the tool box and begins to bang it against the door's handle.)

Eileen: Alright...first, we'll test the...

(The door opens, revealing Muscle Man to be in the portable toilet. He is wearing a bathrobe and is surrounded by candles. Relaxing music is heard playing in the background.)

Muscle Man: Eileen! Uh... Second girl. This is not awkward.

Eileen: Okay...

Muscle Man: I said it's not awkward! (Sighs) Listen, ladies, I know this model was voted throne of the year by Flush Twice Quarterly, but you're gonna have to wait your turn.

CJ: Mordecai and Rigby were locked in here. Do you know where they went?

Muscle Man: Uh... Okay. Yep. Well...this is awkward.

(A clock transition shows the helicopter flying away with the portable toilet. We cut to the inside of the portable toilet, where Mordecai and Rigby are lying unconscious. Rigby's phone then begins to ring, causing him to wake up and answer it.)

Rigby: (Groggily) Hello?

(CJ is heard responding on the other end)

CJ: Where are you guys?

Rigby: Let me check.

(He glances out of the window and begins to scream hysterically. The camera then switches over to CJ, who backs away from the phone after hearing Rigby screech like a banshee. Eileen quietly listens in on the conversation.)

CJ: Try and sit tight. Muscle Man is dealing with it. (Quizzically) He says he knows a guy?

(CJ and Eileen turn to look at Muscle Man, who is pacing around in front of the new portable toilet. He is on his phone trying to get ahold of somebody, but to no avail.)

Muscle Man: (Annoyed) Weak, I got the automated system.

(He starts pacing again as the electronic voice begins speaking)

Automated System: For toilet replacement, press one.

Muscle Man: (Firmly) No. Undo replacement!

(He continues to pace around angrily)

Automated System: You have selected toilet replacement.

Muscle Man: (Who is even angrier than before) NO!!

(He throws his free arm up in exasperation and indignantly shakes it at the sky)

Automated System: This is your second replacement today.

Muscle Man: (Heatedly) Put me through to the MILITARY!

Automated System: Thank you for calling On-Target. Goodbye.

(A hang up sound is heard. Muscle Man throws his arms up, officially defeated.)

Muscle Man: Aaaaaaah! Ah!

(He punches the new portable toilet in frustration. He then turns to look over at the girls.)

Muscle Man (continued): It didn't work. 

CJ: (On the phone) Where are you now?

(The camera switches back over to Mordecai and Rigby in the portable toilet. Mordecai is still unconscious, while Rigby is patiently awaiting CJ's question.)

Rigby: Uh... (He crawls over to the window and nervously peers outside) Uh....

(He sees a bunch of craters in the ground below)

Rigby: It looks like the moon! (Turns away dramatically) A horrifying moon of death! Do you know where that is?

(The camera switches back over to CJ, who appears to be extremely confused)

CJ: What?

(The camera immediately switches back over to Rigby)

Rigby: Hold on a second.

(A loud sound is heard, and the portable toilet shakes along with it. Mordecai finally wakes up, albeit in a very disoriented manner.)

Mordecai: Huh? Whaaa? (He sits up) What's happening?

(All of a sudden, the portable toilet is flipped right-side up. Mordecai and Rigby cry out in surprise as they plummet to the bottom of the structure. The camera then switches back over to CJ, who is looking at her phone in concern. Eileen rushes over to see what's the matter.)

CJ: Are you guys alright?

(Mordecai and Rigby are finally able to stand)

Mordecai: I think we're landing!

Rigby: It looks like...(Toilet lands among other toilets) a State Fair.

Mordecai: What? (On the phone) No, dude! It's a military base!

Rigby: (On the phone) How should I know? I've never been to a military base!

Mordecai: (On the phone) You've never been to a State Fair, either.

Muscle Man: Uh-oh. Okay, ladies. Now don't go whacko on me, but sometimes, the military uses decommissioned toilets for target practice.

CJ and Eileen: What?!

(The camera quickly switches back over to the military base. It zooms in on a sign that says 'keep out', and then proceeds to pan overtop all of the portable toilets. A covert building is then shown sitting atop a hill. The camera then reveals the inside of the building, which shows a man furiously typing away on a keyboard. Someone else is heard talking on the phone, as well.)

General: Mmm...mmm, yes. Mhm, agreed. 

(As the general is talking, the camera switches over to another man, who is viewing footage of the portable toilets. It then switches back over to the man who was first seen typing on his computer. He appears to be staring intently at a screen, as well. The camera finally reveals the general, who has his back turned as he continues to speak on the phone.)

General: (continued): Will do, sir.

(He hangs up the phone)

General (continued): Begin test phase of the F29 disintegrator laser system.

(One of the corporals swivels in his seat)

Corporal: Permission to speak freely, sir?

General: No.

(He turns towards the other corporal, who shifts in his seat as well)

Corporal #2: Permission to speak freely, sir?

General: Granted.

Corporal #2: Sir, why do we test the satellite laser on portable toilets, sir?

General: (Turns to face the corporal) Why do we test on portable toilets? (He walks over to the corporal) We need to be able to stop the enemies at a moment's notice. Enemies and portable toilets have two things in common: they're both soulless- (He gets up in the corporal's face)-and they're about the same size.

Corporal #2: Can never be too safe, sir.

General: You better believe it. (Begins walking away) Now I do not feel like being intimidated today, so let's put some taxpayer money to good use! Begin laser sequence!

(Multiple buttons are pressed and switches are flipped. A lever is raised up, causing the satelite laser to power up. General and Coperal #2 insert keys into the sockets.)

General: 3...2...1. Let's drop a laser-guided number two on this duke bucket.

(They turn the keys, and the satelite laser shines down on one of the portable toilets. It then shoots a laser at the toilet, obliterating it. Mordecai and Rigby witness this, and a shock wave rushes at them.)

Rigby: (On walkie talkie) Hurry up and help us!

(The shock wave passes through a tower)

Mordecai: You guys gotta come quick! We're gonna die out-

(Line cuts from the phone, causing them to lose the girls)

CJ: We lost them!

(A helicopter arrives and places a portable toilet near the other one)

Eileen: I'll try and flag them down!

(She grabs flags from her toolbox and stands on top of one of the portable toilets to signal the pilot, who is reading a book and talking. She hops down from the portable toilet.)

CJ: What's wrong?

Eileen: My signals aren't working!

CJ: No! Now what we do? (Furious) This is terrible!

Eileen: Try and keep calm.

CJ: Keep calm?! Things finally stopped being weird with Mordecai, and now he's gonna get killed, (Turns dark) and it's all because of some stupid dare which wasn't even clever.

Eileen: CJ!

(Sees the first portable toilet being grabbed by the helicopter's claw)

Eileen (continued): Do you trust me?

CJ: Yeah.

Eileen: Would you rather: let Mordecai and Rigby get killed, or jump into that portable toilet and rescue them?

(CJ takes a deep breath, causing her to return to her normal color)

CJ: That's easy.

(They run into the portable toilet before it is carried away. Back at the military base, Rigby is trying to open the portable toilet's door.)

Rigby: I've been trying to open this for so long, I can't feel my arms. (Mockingly) Thank you, Mordecai!

Mordecai: Hey, you didn't have to close the door.

Rigby: Don't put this on me, man! I'm not the one who flirts by taking toilet dares!

(The two start fighting. We pan over to the helicopter taking the portable toilet. It lowers it to the ground, and Eileen and CJ run out, panting.)

General: Continue testing.

Corporal: (Looking through the screen) Oh, no. (To General) Uh, permission to speak freely, sir?

General: No.

Corporal #2: Permission to speak freely, sir?

General: Granted.

Corporal #2: Didn't the president say to limit testing because each blast costs three billion dollars?

General: The president's not my father! I'll blow up as many toilets as I like! Now, continue testing!

(Corporal #2 nods and raises the lever. Cut back to the girls.)

CJ: How much time do we have?

(Laser blasts toilet behind them)

Eileen: Uh...None!

(They jump out of the way)

CJ: They gotta be here somewhere. Come on!

(They start running)

Eileen: We need to split up!

(They do so)

CJ: Mordecai! Rigby!

(A toilet is blasted as she runs by. Cut to Eileen, who sees a rattling portable toilet. She opens it, but a random man runs out.)

Man: Thanks, lady!

(Eileen and CJ meet up again)

Eileen: Any luck?

CJ: No.

(Rigby appears through a toilet behind them, and they smile)

Rigby: We're right here!

(Mordecai and Rigby pound their bodies against the door. CJ and Eileen pull from the outside.)

Eileen: It's still stuck!

CJ: Get the tools.

General: Initiate humongous explosion signal.

(Multiple buttons are pressed and switches are flipped. Eileen grabs a crowbar from the toolbox and sticks it through the protable toilet door. CJ and Eileen pull. A corporal smashes the glass to the "Humongous Explosion Primer" lever and moves it down. The laser satellite starts spinning.)

Mordecai: We have to do it together!

General: On my mark.

Mordecai/General: 3...2...1!

(CJ and Eileen pull the door open. Mordecai and Rigby come out just as the satellite shines down on the toilet.)

Mordecai: Run!

(They run as the satellite blasts the portable toilet. There is a bright explosion. We are then shown Mordecai, Rigby, Eileen and CJ wrapped up in blankets.)

General: What were you kids thinking? You're lucky we saw your heat signatures so we could distinguish you from the debris.

Corporal #2: Sir, the president's on the line.

General: Urgggh! (Takes phone) Hello?

Mordecai: Thanks for getting us out of there, guys.

CJ: Couldn't have done it without you.

Eileen: Yeah. You guys were hitting that door pretty hard. CJ jumped into a moving helicopter.

Mordecai: Wow. Really?

CJ: Well, you know, more like a portable toilet being carried by a helicopter.

Eileen: Ain't no biggie.

CJ: We're not the ones getting stuck in portable toilets.

Mordecai: (Chuckles) Whatever. It was your bet.

CJ: Hey, Eileen, would you rather: sit here and be boring, or go play with that space laser?

CJ and Eileen: (Who lean in towards each other) Space laser!

(They walk over to the two corporals)

CJ: Hey, can we try this thing out?

Corporal: Well, I don't see why not.

Rigby: Wow. CJ's pretty cool.

Mordecai: Hah. Yeah. She is.

(CJ, Eileen and corporals laugh as they play with the space laser)

(End of Portable Toilet)

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