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The Heart of a Stuntman/Transcript

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(Episode opens with MordecaiRigbyMuscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost setting up a party at the Park. Mordecai plugs a microphone into the radio.)

(Song: Timmy's Birthday Rap)

Yeah

Set up the chairs and wipe off the tables

Plug in the mic, but don't trip on the cables

Blow up the balloons and blow out the candles

At stunt-themed parties you don't wanna wear sandals!

Check your invitation, Park's the location

When the clock strikes ten it's time for celebration

Timmy's birthday party, yo!

It's the big one, oh!

Timmy, Timmy Ti-Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Ti-Timmy

Timmy, Timmy, Ti-Ti-Ti Timmy!

Woooooooaaaaaaah!♪

(Mordecai and Rigby laugh)

Rigby: Man, Timmy's so awesome.

Hi Five Ghost: I can't believe he's already turning ten.

Muscle Man: Seriously. We watched that kid grow up, bro.

(Flashback to Timmy's first birthday)

All: Happy birthday, Timmy!

(Timmy licks his cake, then he smothers his face in it. Everyone laughs. We are then shown Timmy at his pirate-themed party. He is standing on the plank.)

Timmy: Guys, guys! Check it out! I'm gonna walk the plank like a real pirate!

(Jumps off the plank into the ball pit)

Timmy (continued): Arrgh!

(Rigby and Muscle Man share a laugh. Cut to Timmy's astronaut-themed party.)

Benson; And the winner of the astronaut icecream-eating contest is....Timmy!

(Everyone cheers. Fives puts a spaceman hat on Timmy as everyone laughs.)

Timmy: You guys always make my birthdays the best!

(Flashbacks end)

Rigby: Man, Timmy's parties just keep getting better every year.

Mordecai: Yeah. We gotta make sure this stuntman party is the best one yet.

Benson: (On mobile phone) What do you mean a real stuntman job? But it's a stuntman-themed party! What are we supposed to tell our client?! Well, you can say goodbye to your complimentaty fountain sodas, and YOU'LL NEVER STUNT IN THIS PARK AGAIN, MR. HAZARD!

(Hangs up and throws his phone in anger)

Mordecai: Is everything okay, Benson?

Besnon: No, everything is not okay! The stuntman cancelled, and Timmy's party is ruined!

Mordecai: Are you serious?!

Rigby: But Timmy's counting on us!

Benson: I know. But where am I supposed to find a stuntman this late in the game?

Muscle Man: Well, I might know a guy who...actually no. I don't know any stuntmen. Aah! You're losing it, Mitch!

Benson: That's it! We have to cancel Timmy's party!

Rigby: No, wait!

Mordecai: Yeah. Maybe one of us can do the stunt.

Benson: No, it has to be a licensed stuntman. Our insurance doesn't cover amateurs.

Rigby: Well, how hard is it to get a license?

Benson: Hard. The success rate at Stuntman College is only 25%, and you guys aren't exactly stuntman material.

Mordecai: But if it's 25%, then one of us should be able to do it, right?

Benson: (Turns red) You think you'll beat the odds like that in one day?

Muscle Man: If that's what it'll take to make Timmy happy, then we'll do it!

Rigby: Yeah. It's the only chance we have.

Mordecai: We're done with all the party prep. I'll enrol us right now.

Benson: Ok, but one of you better come back with a stuntman license, or else Timmy's birthday are probably his life are gonna be ruined.

(Scene cuts to the Stuntman College)

Mordecai: Are you sure this is the right place?

Muscle Man: (Holding up the brochure) It's the address that was on the brochure.

Rigby: (Standing next to a stuntman staue) This is definitely the right place. Johnny Crasher is a living legend! Before he retired, he went in and out of over forty comas. No other stuntman has survived anywhere near that many.

(Motorbike engine sounds up)

Muscle Man: Huh?

Rigby: Johnny Crasher!

Johnny Crasher: Yeeha!

(Makes a wheelie and then proceeds to stand on the seat. He ends up crashing, and Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man and Fives clap.)

Rigby: Whoa, did you see that roll?

Johnny Crasher: Not part of the stunt! 

(Takes his helmet off)

Rigby: Ahh! Are you ok?

Johnny Crasher: Yes! Are you trying to say I look bad after bein' in forty comas!?

Rigby: Are you -- (Switches his sights to his right side) -- talking to me? Because...

(Points finger to his eye, hinting Johnny's misdirected eyeballs)

Johnny Crasher: Yeah, I'm talking to you! You think this stuntman is supposed to be pretty? You think (Interrupted by screams in pain) -- these headaches! Ok! Well, unless you're just here to drop off your recycling, let's get started! 

(Cut to the guys except Fives sitting on crates in front of Crasher) 

Johnny Crasher (continued): Here are your stunt textbooks! (Hands books out) They contain everything you need to know to complete this course! You should read these in case I forget to teach you something important, which is very likely because I've been in forty comas. You may think you have what it takes to be a stuntman, but I'm here to tell ya, none of that matters if you can't do one thing: A stuntman's gotta hit his marks! If you can't do that, (Muscle Man nods) you are worthless!

(Has a bucket in his hands)

Johnny Crasher (continued): Now, uh, before I give away any other freebies, there's a little matter of tuition. Cash your money orders only.

(The guys cash in the money)

Johnny Crasher (continued): That'll just about make up for the way things turned out. So just a few warnings while you're still in the comfort of your chairs. You're gonna be breakin' bones out there. You're gonna be gettin' your teeth knocked out, your faces smashed, your eyeballs ripped out! Anybody wanna quit yet?! No? Alright, good.

Rigby: He's just being dramatic, right?

Johnny Crasher: Hey, little guy. I'm sorry, do you wanna teach the class?! Maybe you should get up here on the mark and show everybody how to take a punch. Huh?!

Rigby: Buu...

Johnny Crasher: Now!

(Rigby steps up to the mark)

Mordecai: Good luck, dude.

(Johnny punches Rigby once he is on the mark)

Muscle Man: Yeah! Whoo hoo! Teach us, teacher!

Johnny Crasher: You think there's something funny about stunts?

Muscle Man: No, sir! I'm sorry, sir. That looks very serious, sir.

Johnny Crasher: It was, but I don't think you realize how serious. So why don't you get up here and take the next punch?

(Muscle Man does so)

Johnny Crasher (continued): Back to your crib, you little baby.

(Rigby goes back to his seat as he and Muscle Man groan simultaneously.)

Muscle Man: So are they any secr-

(Gets interupted by punch and squeals and cries)

Mordecai: (Puts hand up) I'm confused. Aren't we supposed to learn how to take a fake punch?

Johnny Crasher: Oh, you're confused. Ah, okay. Why don't you get on this mark so that I can punch you in the face?!

Mordecai: Uhh...

(A montage of the stuntman course begins. The first part is Endurance, where the guys have to avoid getting hurt by Johnny Crasher as he rides his motorbike right behind them. The second part is Rolling Over Cars, where Johnny trains them to roll over a car one by one. The third part is Introduction to Pain, where the guys make crazy motions until Johnny signals his assistants to smash fake chairs on them. The fourth part is Getting Dragged 101, where the guys are hanging onto ropes while Johnny drags them along on a boat. Objects are thrown at them to knock them off course, but Muscle Man manages to hang onto a buoy and save himself. The fifth part is How to Fall, where the guys have to fall on their own marks. At the Locker Room, Muscle Man pulls out a picture of him and Timmy, which the others find cool, and they take out their photos with Timmy as well. After taking more parts of the stuntman course, and the twenty-fourth one where they walk from an explosion and look cool, the guys have reached the final exam.)

Johnny Crasher: (Clapping) Well, well, well. You passed basic training. Congratulations! By the way, I'm being sarcastic.

(Everyone agrees)

Johnny Crasher (continued): You've gone from being delicate butterflies to slightly less delicate butterflies. It don't mean NOTHIN'! If you want your stuntman licenses, you have to pass my final exam!

Guys: Final exam?

(Johnny presses a button, and the curtain behind him reveals a full stuntman course. Cut to the guys at the start.)

Johnny Crasher: This ain't no mamby-pamby true or false test. It's five and a half acres of pure pain! And if you survive that, you just hit your mark, and you'll get your license.

Mordecai, Rigby and Muscle Man: Uhhh....

(Mordecai phone rings and he answers it.)

Benson: Where are you guys?

(Cut to a panicked Benson)

Mordecai: Uhh, we're about to take the stutman exam.

Benson: Well, hurry. We need a-

(He hears a car honking. It is Timmy's mother, who opens the door for Timmy and the kids. Timmy is playing a video game.

Timmy: Uncle Benson!

Benson: (on the phone) Timmy's here! Uh, I'll stall! ( puts on the goofiest false smile you've ever seen) Tiiiiiiimmy!

(Cut back to the guys)

Muscle Man: Bros, come on! Bring it in!

(The other come in and put their hands in.)

Muscle Man (continued): The odds say at least one of us will make it.

Guys: 1, 2, 3!

Muscle Man: Who's this for?!

(They put theit hands in the air.)

Guys: Timmy!

(They walk up to Crasher)

Johnny Crasher: You ready?!

Guys: Sir, yes sir!

Johnny Crasher: Starting positions!

(The guys hop into their shopping carts.)

Johnny Crasher (continued): Get set! Go!

(The guys scream as they speed down the ramp.)

Johnny Crasher (continued): Good luck, cadets!

(The guys continue screaming down the ramp until their shopping carts splash into the water. They fly out and hang onto zipline cables as they zip along. They crash through wooden panels, and this action is seen in three different shots. When they land, all but Fives is still active. He starts coughing.)

Hi Five Ghost: Bros, go on without me. I can't take it.

Muscle Man: What? No!

Hi Five Ghost: Just now, going through those wooden panels, it felt like we went through three times or something.

Rigby: What about Timmy?!

(Fives puts his hand on Muscle Man's.)

Hi Five Ghost: Timmy's a great kid. Be great for him.

(He turns and lies motionless.)

Mordecai: We got to go!

(The guys continue running.)

Guys: Timmy! Timmy!

(They go over two parked up cars, and jump off a netboard over explosives which set off st that moment, and they catch fire. The guys stop on a ramp where two guys extinguish them.They continue running faster as a car rushes behind them. They eventually hop onto the top of the car as a second one comes next to it.)

Muscle Man: Don't try this at home!

(He carefully moves to the top of the other car.) 

Muscle Man (continued): Come on, bros!

(He looks in front and sees a ramp in approach. The drivers swerve on both sides of the ramp as a helicopter rides above them. The guys grabs onto the landing skids and the cars crash into a fake house. As the helicopter moves on, Mordecai begins to lose grip.)

Rigby and Muscle Man: Mordecai!

Mordecai: Dudes.... cant... hold on!

Muscle Man: But you gotta!

Mordecai: Tell Timmy.....i'm sorry.

(The skid Mordecai is grabbing breaks and he screams as he falls.)

Rigby and Muscle Man: Nooooooo!

(Mordecai falls on the landing mat. Rigby and Muscle Man let go of the skids and land on the mat on top of the building. They start jumoing down until they fall through and go into cannons. They are then shot through a brick wall. Muscle Man slowly gets up.)

Rigby: Go without me, dude.

Muscle Man: What?! We already lost two men!

Rigby: But the pain...

Muscle Man: How about Timmy's emotional pain when his big 1 0 blows! Your pain means nothing! Timmy means everything!

Rigby: You're...right!

(He gets up and they both run over to their motorcycles. They drive past some tires, and jump snakes and alligators on ramps.)

Rigby (continued): Well, at least we didn't have to jump any sharks!

(A cannon fires something in the background.)

Muscle Man: What was that?

(They scream as a metal shark crashes in between them. They look behind and see three more metal sharks being fired at them, and begin dodging.)

Rigby: The final jump! Gun it, bro!

(Muscle Man nods and they speed up. As they head toward the big ramp, which has C-4 explosives, and man set them off. Rigby and Muscle Man become airborne from the explosion and no longer on their motorcycles. Johnny Crasher, at the end of the course, looks through his telescope.)

Johnny Crasher: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, this part always gets up!

Rigby: Dude, we're gonna miss our mark!

Muscle Man: Get on my back, bro!

(Rigby does so, and Muscle Man pulls the front of his uniform, revealing a wingsuit.)

Rigby: Dude, how'd you know to wear a wingsuit?

Muscle Man: It was in the textbook, bro!

(Muscle Man, with Rigby on board, starts spinning in the air toward the mark.)

Johnny Crasher: Well, I'll be! He read the textbook!

Muscle Man: Alright, let me down easy!

(He goes down lower, and they start rolling down the path until they finally make their mark. They lift their head up, and two men show up smashing their back with pieces of wood.)

Johnny Crasher: The doctor said this eye would never produce tears again, but the way you hit those marks out there is nothing short of a miracle!

(He throws the stuntman licenses on them.)

Johnny Crasher: Congratulations! And, uh, this time I'm being sincere.

(Rigby and Muscle Man groan with happiness. We cut back to the party, where Benson is behind the "Happu Birthday Timmy!" sign.)

Benson: Everything ready, guys?

Muscle Man: Yeah.

Benson: Okay, kids, it's the moment you've all been waiting for!

Timmy: It's time for my birthday stunt!

Benson: Hit it!

(Mordecai plays a roll n roll track on the radio, and Rigby and Muscle Man, both completely bandaged up, come riding in through the sign on a bicycle.)

Muscle Man: Yeah! Whoo!

Rigby: Make some noi-oise!

(Timmy and the others are stunned.)

Rigby and Muscle Man: Happy brithday, Tim-

(As they go up the ramp, the bicycle falls through the confetti cake, sending them through it as well. Muscle Man start squealing in pain.)

Muscle Man: I'm sorry, Timmy.

(Rigby slides through the rest of the ramp.)

Timmy: Alright! That was the best stunt I've ever seen. Now, let's open some presents!

Rigby: Aw, I love that little guy.

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