This is the transcript for the episode The Lunch Club.
(The episode starts at Mr. Maellard's Billionaire Brunch. Two guests get a drink as Maellard walks towards them)
Mr. Maellard: And that's what I call liquid assets!
(the female guest laughs)
Male Guest: Maellard, oh boy! Your brunch is the event of the season!
Mr. Maellard: Eh, it's okay. But no brunch would be complete without a little dessert! (he taps his cup with his cane) The most expensive sheet cake in the world!
(a giant sheet cake is being brought in by some guards, it has "$1,000,000" written on it)
Mr. Maellard: If you want to know how much it costs, take a look at the frosting.
(Everybody laughs as Maellard smiles, when suddenly, Rigby comes through the bushes, sleeping on a lawnmower)
Benson: (turning red) RIGBY!!
(Rigby ends up wrecking the cake, getting it splattered all over everybody)
Mr. Maellard: Aarrggh!!!
(Cut to Benson's office)
Rigby: What? I'll buy you a new cake!
Benson: (red and angry) YOU REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME!!
Mr. Maellard: Hold on now, Benson! You share as much to blame as he does! You are his manager.
Rigby: It's true, Benson! I told you I needed a nap.
Benson: You were tired because you were up all night PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!
Mr. Maellard: ENOUGH!!!! Rigby's a screwup but discipline starts at the top. So here's what's gonna happen. (he opens a drawer, gets out some paper and a pen) One of you is going to write a letter of resignation by 5 o'clock. Nobody leaves this office until it's done, and if you can't work it out. YOU'RE BOTH FIRED! (he leaves and slams the door)
Benson: This is the last thing I need today! First, my car breaks down and I have to get a ride from my dad. And, now this. All right, Rigby, stop playing around and write that letter.
Rigby: (in the manager's chair) Why should I write it? Didn't you hear? Maellard said it was your fault. 'Cause you mismanaged me!
Benson: Come on, Rigby! We both know this is your fault.
(Rigby reads a book on the desk)
Rigby: Not now, Benson. I'm reading up on my management techniques, there's some really good stuff in here.
(Benson snatches the book away from Rigby)
Rigby: Hey, I was reading that!
(Rigby tries to take the book back)
Benson: Why can't you take anything seriously?
Rigby: Why are you so uptight?!
(The book splits in half as the two fight for it, just before Maellard barges in)
Mr. Maellard: What's going on in here?
(Benson and Rigby mumble. Maellard spots the torn book and takes it away)
Mr. Maellard: Give me that! This isn't "party" time, this is "write a letter to quit" time. And if I have to come back in here, I'm busting heads!
(Maellard storms out)
Rigby: I'm not writing that letter.
(A clock is shown as time flies to 1 o'clock. Rigby sneaks out of the office)
Benson: Rigby, don't you make me come out there! Ugh!
(Benson chases Rigby, who packed a bag on his bed)
Benson: Rigby! If Mr. Maellard catches us out of the room, we're dead!
Rigby: Well then go back so that you won't get caught!
Benson: That's it, Rigby, you march right back- -! (he hears someone coming) Oh, shoot! (hides under the bed)
Mordecai: (comes in with Skips) Rigby, what are you doing here?
Rigby: You can come out now, Benson.
(Benson crawls out of the bed)
Mordecai: Oh hey, Benson.
Benson: Mmm.
Mordecai: I thought Maellard was gonna fire you.
Rigby: (scoffs) Maellard's just bluffing.
(They hear footsteps from the hallway)
Pops: (offscreen) But Papa! You can't fire both of them!
Rigby: Aah!
Benson: Shh! (whispers) We gotta get outta here!
(Benson and Rigby climb out of the window and onto the roof of the house.)
Rigby: Which way is your office?
Benson: Uh... down there!
(They start going around the roof to Benson's office, but Rigby stops Benson when he saw Maellard looking out the window)
Mr. Maellard: (groans) So angry at those two! I think I'll just stare at my beloved park for a few long minutes.
(Rigby and Benson crawl under the window so that Maellard wouldn't see them)
Mr. Maellard: Nah, on second thought, I better check in on them
(On that note, Rigby and Benson quietly gasp in shock before they quickly ran off until they found the window for Benson's office)
Rigby: Oh yeah-yuh!
(Rigby opens the window and goes in the office, but when Benson tried to get in, he slipped on a loose tile and clung onto the window)
Benson: Aah! Rigby, give me a hand!
(Rigby hears the door being knocked on by Mr. Maellard and runs towards it)
Benson: Rigby!
(The door slowly begins to open, only for Rigby to push the door shut and lock it)
Mr. Maellard: What the- -?!
(Rigby grabs Benson's hand and helps pull him up into the office, before hearing Maellard banging on the door again. Rigby opens the door.)
Mr. Maellard: Rigby! What's the meaning of this?!
Rigby: Uh, the door was stuck. I was trying to help. You know, old house.
Mr. Maellard: (suspiciously) Benson?
Benson: (hesitates a little; nervously) Uh... yeah, it does that sometimes. The door... sticks.
(Mr. Maellard looks on suspiciously and closes the door)
Benson: (exhilaratingly) What am I feeling right now? What is this called?!
Rigby: It's called being alive.
Benson: Oh. Well... thanks for helping me.
Rigby: No problem.
(A clock wipe transition to the office. The time is now 2:00. Rigby plays his game on the couch while Benson sits on his desk with his hands on his head in despair)
Benson: Ohhhh, what am I gonna do? This job is my life! Okay, tell you what; if you write this letter, I'll write you a stellar letter of recommendation for your next job.
Rigby: Yeah, Benson, I'll think about it. But I can't think on an empty stomach. (pulls out a box of wings from Wing Kingdom)
Benson: You're not gonna eat those wings cold, are you?
Rigby: Geez, Benson, you're even uptight about how to eat hot wings! (takes a bite of a wing) You'll do a lot better at your next job if you loosen up a bit.
(Benson turns mad, runs toward Rigby and takes the box of wings)
Benson: Gimme that.
Rigby: Hey!
(Benson opens part of his office's floor, which leads to the ceiling ducts, and gets in. Rigby follows him)
Rigby: Benson, wait!
(Cut to Benson and Rigby climbing into the ducts)
Rigby: Where are we going?
Benson: The kitchen, Rigby. We're gonna cook these wings.
Rigby: But I'm fine with eating them cold.
Benson: We're better than that.
Rigby: I'm not!
(They look at the floor of the kitchen from the air vent)
Benson: Looks like the coast is clear.
(Benson opens the kitchen vent and he falls out and lands on his feet, striking a pose. Rigby, however, lands on his stomach)
Rigby: We're just gonna reheat 'em and go, right?
Benson: Yeah.
Rigby: (runs to the door) I'll look out for Maellard.
(Benson opens the kitchen cabinet)
Benson: Now where's the paprika?
Rigby: Are you-- Paprika? Are you kidding?!
(Cut to Benson, already gotten out the things needed to make his own style of the wings, with his apron on. He puts the wings in a bowl)
Rigby: I thought we were just gonna reheat 'em and go.
Benson: Uh, that's what I'm doing... (Looks at Rigby) ...the Benson way. (Winks)
(Rigby slowly turns to the door while Benson imitates an electric guitar riff)
Benson: (singing) Microwave wings, microwave wings. This is Benson's recipe for microwave wings. Dash of pepper, blast of curry, mixing 'em slow-woah, not gonna hurry.
Rigby: What are you singing?
Benson: "Microwave Wings", off of Cournitopia, Heir To The Throne's recipe concept album. It was a huge hit on the Adult Contemporary Prog Rock Soft Metal charts.
Rigby: Never heard of it.
Benson: (singing) Microwave wings, Microwave wings. Where did everybody go after the show? (Puts wings in the box) Benson's on his own again, don't ya know? Benson eats alone. (Puts box in the microwave and sets the timer for 90 seconds) Benson eats alone. (talking) Man, good tune. Weird bridge though.
(Rigby watches Pops and Mr. Maellard running)
Rigby: (gasps) They're coming!
Benson: But the song said it's gotta cook for 90 seconds, and not one second less!
Rigby: I'm bailing! (runs) Get outta my way!
(Rigby jumps on Benson and hides in the air vent)
Benson: Come on. Come on.
Rigby:Benson, don't be stupid.
Maellard: (off-screen) My shirt's still got stains on it.
(Rigby looks to his right and screams as he sees the door open. Benson looks for a hiding spot)
Pops: (opens door and enters the kitchen with Maellard) Club soda will get that right out. Now, where did I put it? Hmm...
Maellard: Ah, it's probably in the pantry. (walks over to the pantry) Pops, when's the last time this kitchen was remodeled? (turns his head to Pops and opens cupboard with Benson hiding in it holding Rigby's wings)
(Pops screams)
Maellard: Huh?
Pops: I mean, ah, ah, ah-ht seven. '07.
Maellard: Ah! No wonder I like it so much. (Benson crawls on the floor to avoid being spotted by Maellard. Classic! Now, let's see. (As Maellard repeats saying Club Soda, Benson signals Pops to throw him up into the vent. Pops puts his hand out and throws him into the vent.)
Pops: Alley-oop!
Maellard: Did you say something?
Pops: (laughs) Just doing calisthenics, father.
Maellard: Aha! Getting strong, eh? Think you can take on your old man? (Maellard starts challenging Pops. Pops cries)
Pops: No!
Maellard: Good. Never challenge me again.
(We cut back to Benson's office where Rigby and Benson are laughing)
Rigby: Dude, that was awesome!
Benson: Well?
Rigby: (eats the microwave wings) You're right. These are way better!
Benson: Told ya.
Rigby and Benson: Lunch Club!
(We pan to a music montage where Benson and Rigby are both eating wings. Upon eating them, the two have stars in the eyes. The scene cuts to Rigby reacting to the wings. Benson gets water from a water cooler to hydrate Rigby, spilling all the water and falling on the ground in the process. We cut to Rigby balancing a wing bone, then Mordecai putting his head to the wall to hear what's happening, with Rigby and Benson are drumming with bones. The scene then cuts to Benson and Rigby playing The Floor is Lava. When Rigby covers Benson's eyes, Benson imagines the floor being covered in lava, followed with Rigby and Benson jumping on the cushions as platforms. The scene cuts to Muscle Man looking through the peephole seeing Rigby dance. We then cut to Rigby and Benson playing with action figures and wearing paper hats, Benson as a park ranger and Rigby as a hobo. We then see Benson and Rigby jamming to music and later cutting to Rigby eating a microwave wing and running on paper whilst Benson times him. Skips walks by Benson's office and jams to the music. The music montage ends with Benson and Rigby lying on the floor amongst wing bones and paper, listening to soft rock music. We see Benson's boombox playing with a tape saying "Benson's Wind Down Mix", then we cut back to a close-up of Rigby and Benson talking.)
Rigby: Benson, what are you anxious about?
Benson: Ho, ho. Awkward silences, airplane toilets, silverfish, do I have any library books out? What if they stop making that gum I like? This recurring nightmare where I'm flailing in a futureless void. My father's there. He's laughing at me.
Rigby: Wow, you're pretty messed up. My dad, he was always like,(imitates Rigby's Dad) Your brother Don is so amazing. Just go back to being a screw-up, Rigby." I don't even understand half the reasons I do the things I do. I'm expected to be a clown, so I'm a clown. But clowns cry too, man. Clowns cry too.
Benson: My old man criticized me for being in that band. Wake up! You don't have any talent! Get a real job! Drumming's my life, Dad! Hair to the Throne forever!" After six months, they replaced me with a drum machine He was right. Then I started working here, where I'll probably be until I die. "Here lies some uptight park manager."
Rigby: Don't say that. You're more than that!
Benson: (chuckles) Thanks, man. And you're more than just a goof that messes things up.
(looks at the clock)
Benson: It's almost five. What are we gonna do?
Rigby: I'll do it. For once, I'll take responsibility for my actions.
Benson: No, I'll be fired. For once, I'll have a spine and change my life.
(The clock ticks. We cut to Benson's office which is empty. We see two empty chairs. Maellard arrives)
Maellard: Where are they? (picks up a letter on Benson's desk)
Benson: (narrating letter) Dear Mr. Maellard, we accept that we messed up. But you're crazy to make one of us write a resignation letter. (Benson and Rigby walk down to hall) You see us as you want to see us. (close up of Benson)In the simplest terms, you see us as an angry, uptight boss.
Rigby: (close-up of Rigby walking; narrating letter) An irresponsible slacker.
(Benson and Rigby walk down the stairs)
Benson: (narrating letter) A guy who has no fun.
Rigby: (narrating letter) A guy who has too much fun.
(Benson sees his father in the car honking the horn. Benson gets in the car)
Benson: (narrating letter) A guy who's estranged from his father. (stops narrating letter) Dad, we never talk. (continues to narrating letter) So, if one of us resigns from your precious park, we both resign. Does that answer your question? Sincerely, the Lunch Club. (cuts back to Maellard reading the letter) P.S. Shove it, you decrepit old fart.
(Maellard tries to read the letter but has trouble doing so as the text on the letter appears blurry)
Maellard: Ah, it's no use. I can't read this at all. (enters Pops' room) Pops! Read this for me. I can't find my glasses.
Pops: Um, it says... we love the park and don't want to be fired. We're sorry. Love, Benson and Rigby. P.S. - Ah... nice things! (laughs nervously and eats the letter)
Maellard: Well, what a lovely letter! Especially the nice things they said at the end. I forgive them. I don't know what I was thinking. Those two round out the whole dynamic here. Where would we be without a Benson or a Rigby? (chuckles) Heh, heh. Where, indeed? (leaves the room)
(Rigby is seen walking on a football pitch and pumping his fist. The text "Created by J.G. Quintel" appears on the screen)
(End of "The Lunch Club")