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This page is the transcript for "The Unicorns Have Got to Go".

(Episode begins in The Coffee Shop. Margaret gives Mordecai and Rigby a drink of coffee)

Margaret: Here're you guys, enjoy.

Rigby: (Takes a big sip from his coffee) Ah! Nothing beats drinkin' joe with my bro! Haha, right, Mordecai?

Mordecai: Huh, what? Yeeeeeaaahh. (Sighs) (Margaret then looks at Mordecai) Dude, Margaret totally just smiled at me.

Rigby: No she didn't.

Mordecai: Yes she did.

Rigby: Then why don't you ask her out?

Mordecai: Agh. It's not that easy. You wouldn't understand.

Rigby: Yeah, I wouldn't understand. Probably 'cos I'm too busy drinking joe with my bro like we came here to do in the first place, remember?

Mordecai: Shh. Wait.

(A commercial starts on the TV)

Man on TV: I once was lost, but now I'm found. (Sprays cologne, and women tears the man's clothes off) DudeTime, for men.

Rigby: Pssh. What kind of loser would want a bunch of chicks tearing their clothes off? Right, Mordecai?

(A dream sequence follows. Mordecai imagines what would happen if he bought that cologne, he sprays it on and a bunch of chicks come out, including Margaret.)

Margaret: Mordecai.

Mordecai: Oh, hey Margaret. Didn't notice you there.

Margaret: Gee Mordecai, I don't think I've ever realized how awesome you are. And you smell great too. Mordecai? Mordecai?

(Imagination sequence ends and Rigby is snapping him out of it, Margaret's voice fading into his)

Rigby: Mordecai? Mordecai?

Mordecai: Dude, I'm buying that cologne.

Rigby: Agh! Why? You said you would chip in for that awesome new game.

(A flashback occurs in where Rigby is watching a commercial with two dudes with no shirts)

John #1: I'm John.

John #2: I'm also John.

John #1 & 2: We're the Strong Johns! Strong Johns, Strong Johns! You have to buy Strong Johns! Strong Johns, Strong Johns! You gotta buy Strong Johns! (Flashback ends)

Rigby: (Sings the theme song from the commercial) Bam! Now do want that game?

Mordecai: No, I still want the cologne.

Rigby: If you buy that cologne then I'm gonna lose all respect for you.

Mordecai: Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

Rigby: Ugh! What's with you? We had a plan: coffee, Strong Johns, hang out!

Mordecai: Dude, we can hang out later. I just wanna go buy some that cologne really quick.

Rigby: No, that wasn't part of the plan! If you leave, then I'm gonna have to get some new friends!

Mordecai: That's cool. I'll probably be too busy with the ladies anyway.

Rigby: Well fine. I'll be busy with my new friends! Plan-breaker!

(Mordecai leaves. In the next scene, Mordecai sits on a bench in the park and sprays on DudeTime, and is waiting for chicks, but only Rigby comes, shocking Mordecai.)

Rigby: Are you done with your stupid cologne yet? You know that stuff's not gonna work.

Mordecai: Why don't you get out of here? You don't know anything.

(Pops comes to the scene)

Pops: Mordecai, Rigby, wonderful day we're hav--. (He smells something funky, which is the cologne, and he runs away squealing in horror.)

Rigby: (laughs) In your face! I knew that stuff wasn't gonna work.

Mordecai: Shut up! I'm not trying to attract Pops, I'm trying to attract Margaret. She's probably on her way right now. (Sprays more of the cologne, while Rigby is coughing, and the cologne attracts a haze.) Margaret? I'm over here. Margar--? (Spots a Unicorn behind him) Oh, geez!

1st Unicorn: (sniffs) Whaddaya got there?

Mordecai: DudeTime?

1st Unicorn: Aw, I knew it! Come out, bros, come out! I told you it was DudeTime!

(Five other Unicorns emerge from the bushes.)

4th Unicorn: Alright! DudeTime!

5th Unicorn: Yeah! DudeTime, bros!!

(The Unicorns chatter excitedly. A 7th Unicorn floats down from the sky)

7th Unicorn: Yo! Did someone say there's DudeTime down here?

1st Unicorn: Can I bum a spray, can I bum a spray?

(The unicorn grabs the DudeTime and sprays it all over his neck and face)

Mordecai: Who are these guys?

Rigby: I dunno. They seem pretty cool, though!

7th Unicorn: You bros wanna hang out?

Rigby: (gasps) I wanna hang out! But you're wasting your time with this guy. All he wants to do is get with Margaret.

1st Unicorn: Margaret? That doesn't sound like a dude's name. Are you using DudeTime to get the ladies?

Mordecai: Yeah, so what?

(The unicorns all gasp in horror)

1st Unicorn: Aw no, bro! You don't use this to get the ladies. You use it to hang out with the bros!

Unicorns: Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros! Bros!

Rigby: Yeah, hee hee! Finally somebody's speaking my language! (Rigby joins in with the chant of Bros.)

1st Unicorn: Haw haw! Little dude makes me laugh. Seriously though. You're pretty cool, too, for letting us bum some of your DudeTime, so... if you really wanna attract the ladies, we can help.

Mordecai: Really?

1st Unicorn: Aw, yeah. We know all about the ladies.

(Montage follows of 1st Unicorn getting a massage at the beach, 6th unicorn in a hot tub with five beautiful women, and 1st Unicorn being fed a bucket of something as he says, "Aw yeah, girl!")

Mordecai: Actually, uh, that would be pretty awesome, guys.

1st Unicorn: Cool. Just point us to the lady.

(The scene cuts to outside the coffee shop, where the original six unicorns are waiting with Mordecai and Rigby. Rigby is shown wearing an open dark green shirt)

Mordecai: Well, this is where she works. What do I gotta do?

1st Unicorn: Oh, we'll tell you what to do, but first you have to drink from the Cup of Knowledge.

(1st Unicorn hands a sparkling chalice filled with turquoise liquid to Mordecai, who drinks up as the Unicorns look on, grinning. Mordecai spits it out in disgust and the unicorns laugh)

Mordecai: Aw, sick. What was that?!

1st Unicorn: It's definitely not unicorn slomp! (The Unicorns high-five. The 7th Unicorn has arrived by this point)

Mordecai: How is that supposed to get me a lady?

1st Unicorn: Chill out, bro. We're just having a little fun.

Rigby: Yeah, fun! Ever hear of it?

(Mordecai punches and grabs Rigby)

Mordecai: Quit bein' such a jerk!

(The unicorns separate the two)

1st Unicorn: Come on! We won't mess with you anymore. I promise. Got a great way to help you get your lady.

Mordecai: Great. As long as I don't have to stand next to that total loser I'm up for anything.

Rigby: Meh meh meh meh meeeh meh meh meh meeeh meh meeeeeh!

(Scene resets with everyone outside the coffee shop again)

1st Unicorn: 'Kay, check it: the ladies love dudes who slick their hair back. Jimmy, give 'im the stuff.

5th Unicorn: Here, use this!

(The 5th Unicorn, Jimmy, hands Mordecai a bottle full of a sparkling turquoise liquid.)

Mordecai: Huh, fine.

(Mordecai pours it onto his hand and slicks his hair back with it. He looks at it in the reflection on the glass window)

Mordecai: Are you sure she'll be into this?

1st Unicorn: Totally, bro, she'll be all about it. All you gotta do is lay it down.

Mordecai: Lay it... down.

1st Unicorn: Yeah, bro, you know: lay it down!

(The unicorns all chant 'lay it down' as one of them pushes Mordecai into the coffee shop. Mordecai sighs nervously and walks towards Margaret)

Margaret: Can I help you?

Mordecai: (nervously) H-hey, Margaret...

Margaret: Mordecai?

(The unicorns are seen through the window, laughing and high-fiving)

Margaret: Oh, hey! What's up?

Mordecai: I'm uh, I'm here to... lay it down.

Margaret: What?

Mordecai: Lay it... down?

Margaret: Um. Sure. Are you feeling OK?

(The unicorns and Rigby laugh from the window)

Mordecai: Yeah, I'm great, uh, I'll be right back.

(Mordecai runs outside)

Mordecai: What the H, guys? Not cool!

1st Unicorn: Chill out, bro! We were watching you in there and little dude had a really good point.

Mordecai: What point?

1st Unicorn: That we're totally not hanging out enough.

Mordecai: Aw, jeez.

1st Unicorn: Don't worry. We're still gonna help you get your lady.

Mordecai: How?

1st Unicorn: By partying at your place!

Mordecai: (screaming) Wait what?!

(Scene cuts to outside the park house at night. The lights are on and rock music is playing as a TV smashes through an upper window. Inside, we see the unicorns chugging soda and fighting in the kitchen. Rigby and Mordecai are just inside the back door, watching the carnage)

Rigby: Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Mordecai: Dude, these guys aren't trying to help me. They're just messing with me.

Rigby: Dude, they're just partying.

Mordecai: How is this supposed to help me get the ladies?

Rigby: They got you a lady!

(We see a long-haired man with an open green shirt on a chair in the corner. He has stubble on his chin, a necklace, wristbands, blue jeans, and cowboy boots)

Mordecai: That's not a lady.

(Mordecai approaches the 1st Unicorn, who's drinking soda with the 2nd Unicorn. He puts his hand on 1st Unicorn's shoulder)

Mordecai: Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret.

1st Unicorn: (angrily) Something's touching me!

(1st Unicorn elbows Mordecai, who flies onto the floor. The unicorns laugh)

Rigby: Hey, bros, check this out. (Approaches Mordecai) Here, let me help you up. (He pulls his hand away at the last second.) Psych! Why don't you ask Margaret to help you up? Ohhhhh!

(The unicorns all laugh)

Mordecai: You know what, Rigby? Have fun with your new friends, you jerk. Oh, and just so you know, when Benson finds out about your friends and their little hangout time, he's probably gonna fire ya. Later, bro.

Rigby: (worried) Mordecai, wait!

(The door slams.)

5th Unicorn: (from upstairs) Bros! I found a trampoline!

Rigby: No! (Rigby runs up to his room) What are you doing to my bed?

5th Unicorn: You sleep on this, bro?!

Rigby: Get off it!

5th Unicorn: Right after this somersault. (The unicorn flips in mid air and his horn rips the trampoline, falling to the floor.) Bros, this trampoline's all over me. Help me get it off!

(The unicorns run in, chanting 'bros', and in a matter of seconds reduce the trampoline to torn fabric and twisted metal)

Rigby: My bed!

(1st Unicorn and 3rd Unicorn are shown by the closet door)

1st Unicorn: Hey, bro. You know this nerd?

(They open the closet door to show Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook. Benson rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)

Benson: Hrrgrh! Rgh! Rrrghhlllghg! Mmmmnnnggghllgh! (probably) Rigby! When I get out of here I'll kill you!

1st Unicorn: Check this out. (He gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them) What's the matter, Rigbone? You like that nerd or something?

3rd Unicorn: (slaps Rigby) Yeah, dude. Chill out. (Elbows Rigby) And have a drink! (He sprays Rigby with a soda can, temporarily blinding Rigby. In his confusion, Rigby stumbles between the unicorns, who have formed a circle with the intention of repeatedly farting on him)

(The scene cuts to outside, where Mordecai is sitting alone on the steps as bassy music plays inside. Rigby comes out to join him, putting his arm on Mordecai's shoulder.)

Rigby: Hey, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Don't touch me!

Rigby: Heh, huh... So, I sorta need your help.

Mordecai: Why don't you ask your new bros for help?

Rigby: Dude, get over it! It's not my fault! If you would have just hung out with me and played some Strong Johns, none of this woulda happened.

Mordecai: Look, I'm sorry about the game, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me like garbage! (yells) You owe me an apology!

Rigby: (avoiding eye contact, speaking quickly and quietly) I'm sorry.

Mordecai: A real apology.

Rigby: OK, I'm sorry. I'm... sorry! (screaming) Is that what you want to hear? (screaming louder) I MISS YOU!!!! I miss you...! (Rigby looks like he's about to cry)

Mordecai: OK, quit being a baby. (He punches Rigby in the arm)

Rigby: Ahh! Why?!

Mordecai: That's for psyching me.

(Rigby grumbles, and a window smashes behind them)

Mordecai: It's gonna suck for you when Benson gets untied.

Rigby: Dude, you have to help me.

Mordecai: Way ahead of you, bro.

(The scene cuts to outside Skips' house. The garage door is open and the lights are on in the house itself. Inside, Skips is bench pressing weights while Mordecai and Rigby stand at his feet)

Mordecai and Rigby: Hey Skips.

Rigby: We have a problem.

Skips: Unicorns?

Rigby: How'd you know?

Skips: They peed on my lawn.

Mordecai: So, how do we get rid of them?

Skips: Well, that's really hard. They're like insects, but... (hefts his weights onto the bar and sits up) there's one thing unicorns never say no to. (He motions for Rigby to hand him a towel - Rigby does so and Skips wipes his face with it. We zoom in close to Skips' face) Drag racing.

(Scene cuts to the park road, where Benson, Skips, Hi Five Ghost and Muscle Man stand at the trackside. Behind a starting line are Mordecai and Rigby in a golf cart, and six of the unicorns in an oversized dragster. Pops is in front of the finish line with two checkered flags. The unicorns are chanting 'Bros'; Rigby joins in until Mordecai stops him with a raised hand and a shake of the head)

Skips: You guys know what to do, right?

Mordecai & Rigby: Yeah.

Mordecai: (loudly, so the unicorns can hear) Hey, Rigby. Weren't we supposed to race some unicorns, and not a bunch of losers?

(The unicorns shout threats and chant Bros again)

Unicorns: You're dead! You're gonna die!

Pops: Horseless carriages...

(The unicorns are still chanting Bros)

Pops: ... commence!

(The dragster takes off at lightning speed, leaving fiery trails in its wake. They are still chanting as they disappear into the distance. Mordecai and Rigby haven't moved. Skips is next to the cart with a remote control)

Skips: This is how you get rid of unicorns.

(Skips presses the red button on the remote, raising a ramp further down the road. The dragster hits the ramp and flies into mid-air. The unicorns soar through the sky, chanting Bros as they go)

Rigby: But what if they come back?

Benson: They ain't comin' back!

(Benson hits a remote control of his own, and the dragster explodes into twinkling sparkles over the city skyline)

Mordecai & Rigby: (sparkles in their eyes) Cool!

Benson: That's the only way to get rid of unicorns.

(Scene cuts to daytime, with a close-up of a hand turning a valve. Water is shown flying from a hose; it hits Mordecai, who screams in shock. Benson is hosing down Mordecai and Rigby)

Benson: I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here. You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up or you'll wish it was YOU DRIVING THAT CAR!!!

Rigby: The unicorn one? (Benson sprays Rigby with the hose and Rigby falls over, squealing) Argh! Cold!

Benson: (to Mordecai) And you!

Mordecai: (flinches and screams)

Benson: Quit sprayin' that cologne, it's not gonna get you any ladies. Idiots.

(Rigby scampers over to Mordecai)

Mordecai: Wanna go... bro?

Rigby: Strong Johns?

Mordecai: Yeah.


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