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This page is the transcript for "The White Elephant Gift Exchange".


(Episode opens to the workers outside)

Benson: Alright, everybody. It's the holiday season, so we've got a lot of things on the agenda. We've got to hang the lights on the tree, prepare the track for the annual sled-a-thon, and last, but not least, tonight is our yearly white elephant gift exchange.

(Everyone, except Muscle Man, groans)

Muscle Man: Whoo! Hear that, sugar plums? White Elephant. You all know Muscle Man brings it with the gifts. I'm gonna start bringing in the holiday cheer right now!

(He takes off his shirt, swings his shirt over his head, and leaves)

Muscle Man (continued): Whooooooo!!!

(Circle-wipe transfers to everyone in Benson's office, and they start complaining)

Rigby: Benson, you've gotta call off the white elephant.

Mordecai: Yeah, you know Muscle Man always pranks us by getting terrible gifts.

Pops: Every year, his gifts ruin Christmas.

Hi-Five Ghost: Yeah, I love the guy, but he doesn't know when to quit.

Skips: You remember the glove incident?

(Benson covers his mouth to stop himself from throwing up, and then breaths)

Benson: Don't remind me. Every time, you think you're gonna get something you want, then bam! Muscle Man swoops in, steals your good gift, and you're stuck with his prank one. But this year's gonna be different, this year, we're gonna give him the horrible gifts.

Mordecai: Really?

Hi-Five Ghost: Okay.

Rigby: Nice.

Mordecai: But there's no way of knowing if he'll pick the right gift.

Skips: It's impossible to rig it.

Benson: It's not impossible if the odds are stacked in your favor.

Rigby: What do you mean?

Benson: I mean, I've got a plan.

(Scenario begins to everyone in the living room during the white elephant gift exchange)

Benson (V.O): The order of the white elephant gift exchange is decided by picking random numbers out of a hat.

Benson: Next up is, Number 6!

Rigby: OOOOOOOH! Lucky number 6!

Benson (V.O): But what if it wasn't random? What if we write the exact same number on every slip of paper, pretend to have our numbers called?

Rigby: Lucky number 6! (He picks up a gift and prepares to open it) I wonder what it could be!

Benson (VO): Yes what could it be? What's something Muscle Man wouldn't want to steal, something that even he would find absolutely horrible?

(Rigby opens the gift)

Skips (V.O): Deodorant.

Pops (V.O): Oooh, a new tie!

Hi-Five Ghost (V.O): A Hugstable doll?

Benson: Close, but no.

(A salad bowl and spoon appear.)

Rigby: Aww, salad accessories?

Benson (VO): Yes, salad accessories! It's a known fact that Muscle Man hates anything salad related.

Others: Ahhhh! (all nod)

Benson (VO): Keep doing this gift after gift, nothing but salad accessories, until Muscle Man is the only one left in the game who hasn't stolen anything...

(Muscle Man makes a sour motion.)

Benson (VO): ...leaving him no choice but to pick the last remaining gift we set up for him. And when he goes to open the gift...

Others: Yeah? Yeah?

Benson: I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead.

(The others groan.)

Benson (continued): But that's where you guys come in. I already bought all the salad stuff. We just need to find something that will make the worst possible gift for Muscle Man.

Mordecai: Hmm hmm. With pleasure.

Rigby: Yeah, we could totally do that.

Benson: Alright then. Let's split up and get shopping. We're out for revenge here, people, so go, go, go!

(Cut to a food shop called Naughty 9 Cent. Fives can be heard laughing. Inside, he picks a can of tuna from a food aisle. Pops is with him.)

Hi Five Ghost: What about this? Can't get any worse than expired tuna.

Pops: Isn't that a bit much?

Hi Five Ghost: No way! Remember what he did to you at last year's White Elephant?

(Zoom in on Pops. A flashback to last year, where Pops' get a ship in a bottle as a gift.)

Pops: Oh, it's perfect! It looks just like the SS Constantinople!

Benson: I was hoping you'd pick that one, Pops.

Pops: I love it.

Muscle Man: Not so fast, Pops.

(Muscle Man holds up his number, which is unseen.)

Muscle Man (continued): It's my turn now, and I choose to steal...this gift!

(He steals Pops' gift, causing him to begin whimpering.)

Muscle Man (continued): Don't worry, Pops. It's all part of the game.

(He takes out a crudely wrapped gift.)

Muscle Man (continued): Now you get to open the last gift.

(He gives it to Pops.)

Pops: Oh!

(Pops closes his eyes and opens the gift. It is a bottle, but with black liquid inside.)

Pops (continued): Oooh, what on Earth is this?

(He takes off the cork in the bottle, and immediately gags at the stench.)

Muscle Man: It used to be ranch dressing 20 years ago, now boom! Brand new paperweight!

(Cut to Pops' shocked expression as Muscle Man laughs in the background.)

Pops: Nooo-hoooooo!

(Fades back to the present, where Pops has an angry expression on his face. We see an employee from the store,  who is confronted by Pops.)

Pops (continued): You there!

(He has his wallet of lollipops ready.)

Pops (continued): What's the worst expired food item you've got?!

(Clock wipe to Outdoorz and Morez.)

Rigby: Ooh! Dude!

(Inside, Mordecai and Rigby are staring down at an unseen - and supposedly large - item.)

Rigby (continued): We gotta get this!

Mordecai: I don't know. Don't you think this is too harsh?

Rigby: Oh, so Muscle Man's gifts were never too harsh?

(Mordecai has a thought. He flashbacks to another previous year of W.E., where Mordecai and Rigby are rolling around, scratching and yelling while wearing red sweaters. Pan to Muscle Man laughing.)

Muscle Man:  Itching powder in the sweater! Classic White Elephant gift.

Mordecai: Aaaah! It's in my eye!

(Scene pans out and the flashback ends.)

Mordecai (continued): You're right. It's not harsh at all. Let's buy it.

Mordecai and Rigby: Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hmm-hmm-hmm!

(Clock wipe to the alley. We pan over to Skips and Benson, who appear to be talking with someone.)

Benson: How much?

(The unknown person is in the darkness of the alley.)

???: $500 for the day.

(Skips puts a hand on Benson's shoulder.)

Skips: Benson, do you really wanna go through with this?

(We quickly zoom in on Benson as yet another flashback occurs. The guys are all together in the living room as Benson is wearing gloves he received from Muscle Man.)

Benson: Wow! These gloves are great!

Muscle Man: Do you think so?

(Benson feels them on his face.)

Benson: Yeah, they're so soft!

Muscle Man: Do you really think so?

Benson: Yeah, I do. Why?

Muscle Man: Because they're made of my old underwear!

(Benson immediately takes his hands off his face and sees the palms of the gloves have the oulines of underwear. He panics and tries to shake them off.)

Benson: Noooooooooooo!!

(The flashbacks ends.)

Benson (continued): I didn't wanna retire at 65 anyway.

(He gives the unseen stranger the $500.)

???: Pleasure doing business with ya.

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