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This is the transcript of the episode "White Elephant Gift Exchange".
(at the house)
Benson: Alright, everybody! It's the holiday season so we've got a lot of things on the agenda. We've got to hang the lights on the tree, prep the track for the annual sled-athon. And last, but not least, tonight is our yearly white elephant gift exchange.
(everyone but Muscle Man groans)
Muscle Man: Whoo! Hear that, sugarplums?! White Elephant! You know Muscle Man brings it with the gifts! I'm gonna start bringing in the holiday cheer right now! (he takes his shirt off, swings it around and runs off)
(cut to Benson's office, everybody but Musclr Man is there, complaining)
Rigby: Benson, you've gotta call off the white elephant!
Mordecai: Yeah, you know Muscle Man always pranks us by getting us terrible gifts!
Pops: Every year, his gifts ruin Christmas!
Hi Five Ghost: Yeah, I love the guy, but he doesn't know when to quit!
Skips: You remember the glove incident!
(Benson has his fist on his mouth, trying not to be sick)
Benson: Ooh! Don't remind me. Every time you think you're gonna get something you want then, BAM! (his fists slam onto the table) Muscle Man swoops in, steals your good gift, and you're stuck with his prank one! But this year's gonna be different, this year, we're gonna give him the horrible gifts!
Everyone: Whoa! Cool! Nice!
Mordecai: But there's no way of knowing if he'll pick the right gift!
Skips: It's impossible to rig it!
Benson: It's not impossible if the odds are stacked in your favor!
Rigby: What do you mean?
Benson: I mean I've got a plan!
(screen blurs to Benson's imagination)
Benson (off-screen): The order of the white elephant gift exchange is decided by picking random numbers out of a hat!
Benson (in thoughts): Next up is... Number 6!
Rigby (in thoughts): OOOHHH! Lucky number 6!
(Benson's imagination freezes)
Benson (off-screen): But what if it wasn't random? What if we write the exact same number on every slip of paper, pretend to have our numbers called!
Rigby (in thoughts):Lucky number 6! (the camera zooms into Rigby's piece of paper and it says '7') I wonder what it could be? (he picks up a gift)
Benson: Yes, what could it be? What's something Muscle Man wouldn't want to steal? Something even he would find absolutely horrible!
(Rigby opens his box and things appear inside as they are said)
Skips (off-screen): Deodorant.
Pops (off-screen): Ooh! A New Tie!
Hi Five Ghost (off-screen): A Huggstable doll?
Benson: Close, but no!
(a wooden bowl and two wooden spoons appear in Rigby's hands)
Rigby (in thoughts): Aw, salad accessories!?
Benson (off-screen): Yes! Salad Accessories! It's a known fact that Muscle Man hates anything salad related!
Benson (off-screen): Keep doing this, gift after gift! Nothing but salad accessories until Muscle Man is the only one left in the game who hasn't stolen anything.
Muscle Man (in thoughts): Blech! (he sticks out his tongue)
Benson (off-screen): Leaving no choice but for him but to pick the last remaining gift we set up for him. And when he goes to open the gift...
Everyone: Yeah? Yeah!?
Benson: I don't know, I haven't thought that far ahead.
Benson: But that's where you guys come in, I already bought the salad stuff. We just need to find the worst possible gift for Muscle Man.
Mordecai: Hmm, hmm. With pleasure!
Rigby: Yeah, we could totally do that!
Benson: Alright then, let's split up and get shopping! We're out for revenge, people, so go! Go! Go!
(cut to Pops and HFG at a shop called Naughty 9-Cent)
Hi Five Ghost: Hahahaha! What about this? Can't get any worse than expired tuna!
Pops: Isn't that a bit much?
Hi Five Ghost: No way! Remember what he did to you at last year's white elephant!?
(flashback to previous year)
Pops: Oh! It's perfect! It looks just like the SS Constantinopal!
Benson: I was hoping you'd pick that one, Pops!
Pops: I love it!
Muscle Man: Not so fast, Pops! It's my turn now! And I choose to steal... (he steals Pops' bottle boat) This gift!
(Pops starts to cry)
Muscle Man: Don't worry, Pops! It's all part of the game! (he picks up his gift) Now you get to open the last gift! (he gives it to Pops)
Pops: Ooh! (he opens the gift, which is revealed to be a black liquid in a bottle) Oooh! What on earth is this? (he pulls the bottle top off and sniffs it) Yeurgh!
Muscle Man: It used to be ranch dressing 20 years ago, but now, BOOM! Brand new paperweight! (he laughs)
Pops (present day): You there! (points to an employee) What's the worst expired food item you've got!
(cut to Mordecai and Rigby at a shop called Outdoorz & Morez)
Rigby: Aw dude! We gotta get this!
Mordecai: No, don't you think this is too harsh!
Rigby: Oh, so Muscle Man's pranks were never too harsh!?
(flashback to a previous white elephant, Mordecai and Rigby are in itchy sweaters rolling around on the floor)
Mordecai & Rigby: Aaaaaargggghhhh!
Muscle Man: Hahahahaha! Itching powder in the sweater, classic white elephant gift!
Mordecai & Rigby: Aaaaargh!
Mordecai: It's in my eyes!
Mordecai: It's not harsh at all. Let's buy it.
(Mordecai and Rigby reach for their item)
Mordecai & Rigby: Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm!
(cut to a dark alleyway with Skips and Benson)
Benson: How much?
Guy in Dark: $500 for the day.
Skips: Benson, are you sure you wanna go through with this?
(flashback to a previous christmas, Benson is wearing "gloves")
Benson: Wow, these gloves are great!
Muscle Man: Do you think so?
Benson: Yeah, they're so soft!
Muscle Man: Do you really think so?
Benson: Yeah I do, why?
Muscle Man: Because they're made of my old underwear!
(Benson looks at them and tries to get them off)
Benson: Agh! AAARGH! NO!
Benson: I didn't want to retire at 65 anyway!
(he gives the guy $500, the man has an elf arm)
Elf: Pleasure doing business with you.
(cut to the house)
Mordecai: Man, which one should we give him?
Rigby: I dunno which one's worse?
Benson: All of them. ALL OF THEM! Put all of them together, NOW!
(a short montage of them putting the gifts together is shown with Benson laughing over it)
(everybody starts to laugh, then there is a knock on the door, it's Muscle Man)
Benson: Okay, okay, okay! Cool it! He's here!
(he opens the door and sees Muscle Man with a big tall rectangular gift)
Muscle Man: Happy white elephant, Benson!
(an instrumental of Jingle Bells plays, as everyone fakes their number, picks up a salad accessory and Muscle Man laughs at them)
Muscle Man: Geez, what's with all the salad stuff? You guys on a diet or something?
Benson: Alright everybody, we're down to the last two gifts! I wonder what they could be!? Next up is number 6!
Rigby: OOOHHH! Lucky number six!
Benson: Rigby! Come on up and pick your gift!
Rigby: Hmm, which one?
(he picks Muscle Man's gift)
Muscle Man: Good choice, bro! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Rigby: Heh-heh, yeah! I know!
Muscle Man: Good! I know you know!
Rigby: Heh, Well I know you know I-
Benson: Just open the gift!
(Rigby gets a nervous face)
Benson: Open. it!
(Rigby gulps and opens it, it reveals to be a new HD TV with surrounding sound.
Rigby: Huh? A new TV!
Muscle Man: Happy white elephant, bro!
Everyone: Huh, what?
Mordecai: Okay, what's the deal, Muscle Man?
Muscle Man: What are you talking about, bro?
Mordecai: Come on! We know this is a prank!
Rigby: Yeah, is this thing gonna electrocute me if I plug it in or something?
Muscle Man: No, bro! It's not a prank! It's an honest to goodness flat screen TV! (he sighs) Look, I know I may have not been the best White Elephant participant in the last few years! Some of you may even have called my pranks harsh or out of line and (he starts to cry a little) I thought this gift would bring us closer together! 'cause you guys are like my family! That's what the holidays are about! Family! (he bursts into tears then sniffs) Anyways, since there's nothing good left to steal, I guess I'll just take this one. (as he is about to open it, everyone else teleports)
(They are in a white place)
(there is a white elephant there)
White Elephant: Mordecai! Rigby! Others! You have ruined the spirit of the white elephant gift exchange! Now you get to spend all of eternity in my temple of gifts! PS! You don't get to open the gifts!
Rigby: Aw man!
Benson: Look, I know we went a little overboard with the prank gift for Muscle Man! But didn't you see the gifts he gave us? The ranch dressing, the sweaters, the underwear gloves, I could go on!
White Elephant: You're not supposed to get gifts you like! You're supposed to give gifts you don't like! That's what makes it fun! Except you had to go and rig the game and get revenge! Well, I hope you're happy with yourselves!
Benson: I guess he's right. Maybe we got too hung up on it.
Skips: It really is just a silly game after all.
Hi Five Ghost: And he did give us that sweet TV!
Mordecai: Yeah! Muscle Man was just trying to have a good time! That's what we should do, too! Mister White Elephant, sir!
White Elephant: Yes.
Mordecai: Send us back so we can stop Muscle Man from opening that gift!
White Elephant: Well, I don't know. I've never really done that before! I suppose you could go home. Or you could see what's in this box! (he has a box on his trunk and he moves it up and down)
Rigby: Can we see what's in it first? (he gets punched by Mordecai)
Mordecai: No thanks, I think we'll just go home!
White Elephant: Fine. (everybody teleports back home)
(Muscle Man goes to open the gift, but Benson stops him)
Benson: Muscle Man, wait!
Muscle Man: What is it, bro?
Benson: Well, the truth is...
Rigby: Benson, wait! It's just a box full of Chinese food!
Muscle Man: Hahahahahaha! Got you, bros! Hard Felt speech get's them every time! Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahah! But what were you gonna say, Benson?
(Benson looks at everyone else, they nod, then Benson turns to Muscle Man)
Benson: Enjoy opening that gift!
Muscle Man: (he gets slower as he speaks) Okay bro! (he pulls the bow)
(Holly Jolly Christmas plays, Clam Chowder splashes all over his face, he falls and pulls an other bow, then he is seen saying Oh No Bro! as a dispenser throwing itchy sweaters and underwear balls at him, everyone laughs and is filming him, then Muscle Man then pulls another one, then an elf comes out and beats him up)
Skips: Now this is fun!
(everybody laughs as the screen zooms out of the house and reveals they are in a snow globe in the white elephant's box, he winks and walks away)